Recently, somebody told me that he made a list of all the qualities he’d like in a romantic partner. Then he whittled it down to 20 characteristics, which he decided would be non-negotiable. A few weeks later, he met a woman who embodied everything on his list. And now she’s his girlfriend.
Hours later, I made my own list. At first, I jotted down all the qualities I’d like in a partner. Then I decided upon 20 characteristics that my partner would need to have.
Moments after making the list, I was already clearer about what I want. My mind flitted to a few guys who have been hovering on the outskirts of my romantic horizon. Immediately, I realised that none of them are the right man for me.
Reliable and Confident are two of the qualities on my list. One of the men is unreliable. Another is insecure. Having either of these men as a partner would probably drive me to distraction.
If I’d made the list earlier, I wouldn’t have even spent energy on considering them as partners. Then again, I’ve changed a lot recently so now is probably the perfect time to dream up this marvellous man menu.
Of course, I know that men are humans too. Everybody has flaws and weaknesses. And a wonderful part of being in a relationship is loving somebody unconditionally. But there are certain characteristics on my list that are essential for me.
I want my man to have a zest for life, an open mind and a good sense of humour. He is attractive, loving, strong and affectionate. He’s intelligent, respectful, honest and trustworthy. And he’s a good communicator. I’m not asking for much, am I?
Interestingly, my list got me wondering if I possess all of the qualities I’m looking for in somebody else. It turns out, I have most of them. But it’s made me aware that there are a few areas that I need to work on. So I will.
If you’re single and hoping to meet a special someone, why not make a list describing your perfect partner? What are your non-negotiables? Be clear about what you’re looking for so you’ll know it when you see it.
Let’s put it out there and see what manifests…
Posted in Love, Personal development, Positive Thinking
Tagged acceptance, affection, allowing, ambition, anger, attraction, awareness, clarity, communication, confidence, dating, desires, determination, dreams, energy, flaws, focus, friendship, frustration, goals, growth, honesty, humanity, humour, intelligence, law of attraction, learning, life, living, love, manifestation, men, mind, needs, openness, peace, personal development, positive thinking, positive thoughts, relationships, respect, romance, science of deliberate creation, self-awareness, self-help, soulmate, strength, thinking, thoughts, trust, unconditional love, unfolding, universal laws, universe, vibe, weaknesses, women
I’m currently rereading Anodea Judith’s excellent book Eastern Body, Western Mind. This morning, I completed an exercise on the Inner Family that I’m going to share with you.
Anodea Judith suggests making a list of the various parts of yourself. You might include the inner child, the clown, the achiever, the lover, the critic, and so on. In my case, I listed the lost child, the inner child, the lover, the romantic, the fearful one, and the warrior.
Next to each name on the list, write a few words describing how you perceive this part of yourself.
For example, I could describe the inner child as playful, curious or innocent. The lost child might be scared and alone. The lover is open, present and sensual. The romantic believes in love. The fearful one anticipates that bad things will happen. And the warrior is stunning, strong and skilled.
Now, write down what you think each part wants. My inner child wants to experience. The lost child wants to be loved. The lover wants to make love. The romantic wants to connect. The fearful one wants peace. And the warrior wants to live.
Ask yourself how often these parts succeed in getting what they want. How realistic are their desires? And what can be done to bring them into wholeness?
In order to bring the various parts of myself into wholeness, I can connect with people, including myself. I can be open to relationship and to love. I can meditate, rest and be still. I can be in nature, surround myself with beauty, and go on adventures. Using all of my senses, I can make love with life every single day. I can be present, really live, relax, allow and enjoy.
The final part of this exercise is to look at who relates to whom. For instance, does the critic inhibit the artist? Or does the clown entertain the sad inner child?
I realise that the parts of myself that I listed seem to go in pairs. The loving, playful inner child is the lost child’s reassuring companion. The confident lover and the dreamy romantic are in perfect partnership. And the warrior protects the fearful one and makes her feel safe.
This is an interesting exercise. Try it and let me know how you get on.
Posted in Personal development, Random
Tagged achiever, adventure, anodea judith, anticipation, artist, badness, beauty, beliefs, body, books, bravery, centre, chakras, clown, companionship, confidence, connection, courage, critic, curiosity, desires, dreams, eastern body western mind, enjoyment, experience, fear, giving, good, heart, hope, human, inner child, inner family, innocence, life, live, loneliness, lost child, love, lover, meditate, mind, nature, needs, now, openness, people, perception, play, pleasure, presence, protection, reading, receiving, relationship, relaxation, rest, romance, romantic, sadness, safety, security, self-acceptance, self-discovery, self-help, sensuality, sex, sexuality, skill, soul, spirit, stillness, strength, success, touch, wants, warrior, wholeness
Tonight at an Amber Run gig, I watch as the band becomes immersed in playing. There’s something riveting about witnessing other people express their creativity and passion. It’s exciting to be invited to share the experience.
The vibration of the music pulses through my body. The beat of the drums pulls me in and spurs me on. My hips begin to sway. I raise my arms and close my eyes.
The music moves in me and expresses itself through me. I’m not thinking about how I should dance. And I’m not looking at what other people around me are doing. I’m perfectly happy with myself in the enjoyment of this moment.
Suddenly, I realise that the same concept holds true for life. When we’re present to the now, we’re in the flow. We don’t have to worry about how a thing will unfold. Because when we let go and allow, unfold it will. Beautifully so.
We are the instruments through which life happens. We are the consciousness that sees life happening. And we are life.
A bombshell of awareness and connection implodes and explodes and ripples into infinity. I stand for a while in blissful understanding. Then I smile and rejoin the dance.
Posted in Random, Spirituality
Tagged acceptance, aha moment, allowing, amber run, awareness, band, beauty, bliss, body, concert, connection, consciousness, contentment, creativity, dance, dublin, energy, excitement, experience, expression, flow, gig, happiness, infinity, life, music, musicians, now, passion, presence, realisation, relaxation, resistance, self-consciousness, sensuality, sharing, stress, talent, the academy, understanding, universe, vibration, witness, worry
Three things I’m taking away from my Life Coaching session this morning:
1. I’m going to work with the “negative” voice that regularly pipes up with annoying statements like: “You’re not good enough.”
I’m going to coach this voice. I’ll listen to it and be there with it and ask it how it feels to believe such a statement.
I understand that it’s there for a reason. It’s actually there for my good as it’s showing me what I need to look at in order to heal. And so I give it, I give myself, compassion.
2. I’m not going to make assumptions or take things personally (And even if I do, I’ll be aware that I’m doing it).
I can’t know why anyone does or doesn’t do something. I don’t know what’s going on in their heads or what issues they have in their lives.
3. I’m going to stop focussing on all the things I can’t do and all the things I’m not.
Instead, I concentrate on my uniqueness and on the wonderful talents that I’m bringing to the world around me. We’re all different. There’s beauty in that.
And a fourth one that didn’t arise from the coaching session but that has made itself known to me in a more obvious manner than ever before:
It’s all unfolding perfectly.
I simply have to get out of my head and drop into my heart. Let go of control. Release fear. Relax.
I am present. I am open. I trust. And I realise that everything I need is provided for me. I allow, accept and give gratitude.
Sometimes, what comes isn’t how I would have imagined it. It may even hurt as I attempt to resist it.
But the learning and growth that emerges from what does come makes me realise that everything happens for a reason. And the incredible people and gifts that appear are better than anything I ever could have planned.
Posted in Personal development, Positive Thinking, Spirituality
Tagged acceptance, allowing, anger, assumptions, beauty, beliefs, coaching, compassion, control, don miguel ruiz, emotions, empathy, fear, feelings, focus, gifts, gratitude, grief, growth, head, heart, inner critic, inner voice, insights, judgement, law of attraction, learning, letting go, life, life coaching, listening, living, manifestation, negative thinking, negativity, openness, peace, people, perfection, personal development, positive thinking, presence, present, present moment, relaxation, sadness, self-acceptance, self-development, self-esteem, self-worth, talents, the four agreements, thinking, thoughts, trust, understanding, unique, universe, world
It’s a sunny day in beautiful Barcelona and I am alone. My friend had an earlier flight to catch but instead of travelling with her to the airport and hanging around there for a few hours, I find my way to a park and sit facing the sun.
I watch the other park dwellers. There are groups of friends chatting, drinking and dancing. Couples sleep side by side, holding hands. A few solitary figures read or play with their phones. Others jog, cycle and saunter by.
I have no book, no notepad, no music. Usually, I have all three. Today, I am forced to sit and do nothing.
Earlier on, I noticed my mood drop. I went into fear around business and money. I spoke harshly to myself for not being successful enough. Where’s your get-up-and-go, I asked myself. You need more drive.
I compared myself to other women, judging myself for not being as slim, toned, pretty or stylish. No wonder those girls are in relationships, I thought. They’re cool and confident. You’re not.
I also criticised myself for not undertaking enough big challenges with regard to the Rejection Therapy I’m currently doing.
Suddenly, sitting here on Spanish soil, I have an awareness. I realise that, despite not actively seeking rejection, I am still being rejected. By myself. And that makes me feel sad.
Asian men with plastic bags walk by, repeating the mantra: “Agua! Cerveza!” I purchase a one euro can of beer and sip it as I sit and watch and think and feel the sunlight on my skin. A welcome feeling of calm settles upon me.
I understand that, when I project into what may or may not happen in the future, I feel overwhelmed. I’ll just take it one step at a time, I decide. I can manage that.
I also have a knowing that comparing myself to others just doesn’t feel good. I am what I am. All I have to do is be present. And enjoy the moment.
And for one whole hour, I do.
Me. In Barcelona.
Posted in Modern Society, Personal development, Positive Thinking
Tagged acceptance, alcohol, barcelona, beauty, beer, body, body image, business, calm, comparing, confidence, couples, determination, drive, enjoyment, fear, finances, friends, friendship, future, holidays, judgement, life, living, love, meditation, men, mind, mindfulness, money, mood, motivation, nature, negative thinking, overwhelmed, park, peace, perfection, presence, present moment, projections, rejection, rejection therapy, relationships, sadness, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-image, sunshine, thinking, thoughts, travel, women