Tag Archives: pain

Cha-ching!

“You find it hard to practice what you teach, don’t you?” This came from a woman I was chatting to the other day. She continued: “What people say still affects you. And so long as you’re worrying about them, you’re not living your own life. You’re not being you.” The directness of her words cut through me. I felt like a fraud. Who am I to be giving Positive Living classes, I thought. And with a flash of insight, I realised that I had just proved her point.

I decided, rather than let this get to me I could allow it to get through to me. The lady went on: “Life is gently tapping at your door, trying to give you a message. If you don’t listen, if you refuse to change, the knocking will get much louder.”

About a month ago, I was feeling tired and unenthusiastic about life. I was pushing myself a little too hard, which was sucking the enjoyment from my activities. Then, I put my back out at the gym. I was forced to stop. I felt frustrated. I wanted to continue my routine the way I had planned.

As a result of this injury, I decided not to renew my gym membership and I have taken up Pilates, yoga and getting out in nature instead. I also worked on my time management so that my class preparation isn’t eating too much into my evenings and weekends. My back is all better now, thankfully, and so is my life.

The other challenging aspect of my life of late has been my dealings with the opposite sex. I set up an online dating profile and met a number of men. I experienced a few disappointments and a few okay-but-nothing-to-write-home-abouts. And then four first dates cancelled on me in as many days. At this stage, I’m no longer bothered. I’m even seeing the hilarity of it all. Plus, these cancellations freed me up to do something else or to simply relax.

Having said that, I have been speaking an awful lot about men. I realise that I was giving a lot of energy to the negativity of the situation instead of surrendering to the whatever’s meant to be will be mentality. Also, I now feel that I’m being spared becoming emotionally invested in men who wouldn’t be good for me.

This morning, I received an email from TUT… A Note from the Universe. It read: “Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Sharon, is a pretty good sign that you’ve got something huge and profoundly liberating to learn.” I laughed out loud. I then did some Zhan Zhuang along with a YouTube video and the voice-over said these words from the Tao te Ching“To bend like a reed in the wind – that is real strength.”

This afternoon, while I should have been having lunch with one of my no-shows, I went to close a dormant credit union account in my home town and discovered that I still had money in it. Last weekend, I had impulsively decided to give a fair amount of money to someone. We embraced excitedly and she promised to repay me. I told her that I meant it as a gift. It just felt right. And today, I got back almost all of that money. So I filled my car with petrol and took myself to a nearby village for lunch. When I went to purchase a parking ticket, a man handed me his as he left the car park.

You really do get what you give out. So rather than resisting the changes to my carefully laid-out plans, cursing any perceived lack in my life, caring what others are saying, doing or not doing, I’m being present, listening to life and feeling the abundance. And even though it sometimes feels that the wind will break me, I know that I could just let go and become part of this beautiful dance.

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Dead Right?

I was about to leave my family home this morning when I spotted a daddy-long-legs (crane fly) moving on the spare bed in my childhood bedroom. I’d first seen it on Saturday night. Half of its legs lay a couple of inches away from its body. I’d presumed it dead. But it had been suffering there for at least two days. I agonised over what to do.

The humane option would be to kill it, I thought. But why should I have the power to decide to end its life? If I lost a leg, I’d still have the will to live. I’d still have hope for my survival. But there were no other daddy-long-legs rushing to its rescue and there were no daddy-long-leg hospitals that I knew of. It would be easier to simply leave it there but who knew how long it would remain in pain before it eventually died. It was all alone. I brought my face close and inspected it. Did it have a chance? “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Lots of people don’t think twice about killing healthy insects. Mosquitoes, ants, even spiders. But I didn’t want to kill any living creature. Was that selfish of me? I would allow it to continue to writhe there because I didn’t want to feel bad. I was going to feel bad either way. If I believed in reincarnation, the daddy-long-legs wouldn’t die as such, it would simply move on to the next part of its journey. Maybe it would come back as something much better than a daddy-long-legs. Then again, who am I to judge what a good incarnation is? Oftentimes, being a human is so complicated that maybe living as a daddy-long-legs would be a relief.

I probably shouldn’t interfere with its fate, I pondered. Perhaps I could throw it out the window, let it back outdoors where it belonged. Although if I had just had my leg amputated, being thrown from a two-storey building would be my very last preference. If I squished it, would that be a sin? Surely not if I believed I was doing the right thing.

Eventually, I scooped it up in a piece of tissue and killed it. It was difficult but, once I decided to do it, I did it quick. I brought it to the bathroom, flushed it down the toilet, then sat on the edge of the bath and cried. I have no idea if I made the correct choice. I’m sorry, little guy. I really am.

What a pain!

I came across an interesting quote in a book last week. It went something like this: “The purpose of all suffering is the development of compassion.” For the past few days, I’ve been suffering with a pain in my right hip. I’ve noticed that, because of this pain, I haven’t been in as good form or as present as I had been.

As I was crossing the street this morning, a car came towards me. I decided not to run as I was afraid my hip would crack out of place. I remembered those times that I felt angered by people who sauntered in front of me as I drove. I thought such pedestrians were cocky and the dark side of me had wanted to rev up and give them a fright. Today, I realised that perhaps some of those people were physically unable to speed up.

The other night, a friend was describing his travels in India. He had stayed with a number of Catholic families on his way. He couldn’t get over their unshakable faith. He said that, each morning as they rose, they gave gratitude that they were alive for one more day. They were utterly joyous. They even gave gratitude for the “negative” parts of their lives. In fact, it was the first thing they did upon hearing bad news. They believed that everything was unfolding exactly as it should.

My attitude regarding my hip was wrong. It certainly wasn’t serving me in any positive way. I was annoyed that it wasn’t disappearing immediately, I was frustrated that I wasn’t able to do as much in the gym, I didn’t want to look like a cripple as I walked, and I was afraid that it wouldn’t get better. I decided to shift my attitude to gratitude.

Perhaps I was given this pain to, quite literally, stop me in my tracks. Maybe I needed to rest more or look at or change something in my life. This pain was also lending me compassion and understanding for others. Each time I winced as I moved, I remembered my aunt who’s been suffering with chronic hip and back pain for many years. I thought of clients who’ve told me of their debilitating pains. I’d always wanted to help these people but now I actually understood how they were really feeling.

Recently, Denise Linn spoke on Hay House Radio about steps for releasing fear. One of the steps was to give it new meaning. She asked, “What could be really good about it?” One of the answers she gave was cultivating compassion for others. This step can be used with any unwanted emotion or circumstance. It also allows you to face, allow, accept and even embrace the situation.

I still have the pain and I’m still struggling with the resting part of the equation but I am aware of the extra understanding and compassion I’ve gained as a result of this. Simply bringing acceptance to it is a relief. It takes away the struggle, the resistance, the fight. This even helps me physically as I’m letting go of the emotions that are causing tightness and rigidity in my body. And when I add gratitude, I remember the Indian families my friend spoke about and I feel humbled.

“The purpose of all compassion is the development of compassion.” Alicia Lee (2010) Homeopathic Mind Maps: Remedies of the Animal Kingdom.

Everybody Hurts

Last night, I watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset back-to-back. By the end of the second movie, I was in tears. Because I am single and pre-menstrual and because I don’t believe in romantic love the way I did when I was 21 and in love with the man I would marry and later divorce. Because I felt sick and tired and depressed. Going to bed, I felt so bad that I asked for a sign to be given to me in my dreams.

I dreamt that somebody close to me admitted that she was feeling depressed for the first time. I told her that I still get depressed sometimes. I described it as a heavy feeling that weighs down upon you. I confessed that I get frightened when I feel like that because I’m scared that I’ll be the way I was before. Because I once suffered from depression and because it “ruined my life a few times”. I then told her that it’s just a feeling and it will drift on by so long as you don’t put a label on it. And then I woke up.

This morning, as I walked in the sunshine, I felt strong. Not because I was feeling a bit better. But because it’s okay to feel “bad”. Because we’re all only human. I passed other people and realised that they also feel down occasionally. To quote an R.E.M. song: “Everybody hurts sometimes”. We just aren’t comfortable with letting people into our pain and suffering. We all feel hopeless and purposeless and beaten down. We all go through hard times. We get dumped, we lose our jobs, we struggle to pay the bills, we feel lonely, we wonder what the point of life is, and how we’re going to cope.

But they are the days when we don’t leave the house. When we cancel plans to meet friends. Or when we hide behind makeup and alcohol and busy schedules. When we put our best foot forward and hope nobody will notice that we’re terrified or grief-stricken or worn out. We see other people smile and laugh. We look on as they post the best possible version of themselves on Facebook. What we fail to realise is that they too are hurting. They too worry that they don’t know what all of this is about. They too wish they felt more connected, more positive, more sure of themselves.

Our humanness is what binds us together. We are not alone. We all feel sad at times. We have the same fears and worries and regrets. We have the same longings and resentments and insecurities. We just don’t show them. We think people will only accept us or like us or love us if we are perfect. If we look well and feel well and keep on achieving. But all it takes is for one of us to admit that we’re not so perfect after all.

I set up a Positive Living group this year. Some of the people in the class presume that I’m doing well all of the time. But they don’t see me first thing in the morning, tired and makeup-free. They don’t see me as I weep in front of Ethan Hawke movies. They don’t see me cranky and weak in the days coming up to my period. They certainly didn’t see me when I left my husband or when I fought with a family member or when I bitched about a co-worker. And they didn’t see me when I hated myself and lost all confidence. They see me now, having come through all that, trying to pass on some tips to live a happier, more positive life.

I do believe that we should stay present and do things to make ourselves feel better, so we don’t dwell too long in our suffering. But I want everyone to realise that even the most successful, positive, energetic people have off days. And that is okay. Once we acknowledge this, we will feel more compassion for our fellow human beings. We will feel more connected, more normal, and more at ease with the wide spectrum of human emotions. And we will know that we are never alone.

So, the next time you’re feeling down or fearful or fed up, let a loved one in. Let them in when you’re tired, when you’re feeling fat and ugly, and when you can’t stop crying. Not only will you feel better but you’ll be giving that person license to show you that they’re not “perfect” either.

The Work

Today, I attended a Byron Katie workshop. Byron Katie’s work involves asking yourself four simple questions whenever you’re feeling bad. They are as follows:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

You then turn the thought around. I’ll give you the example I used when filling out the “Judge-Your-Neighbor” worksheet. We were instructed to go back to a time when we felt hurt. I remembered being dumped by a boyfriend. Katie asked us to go back to the centre of the most painful moment of that episode. I was lying on my bed, roaring crying. I felt shocked, upset, disappointed and rejected. I was also angry because I felt that he had disrespected me.

Here are a couple of the questions from the worksheet: In this situation, what advice would you offer to that person? You should be honest and true to yourself. What do you think of this person in this situation? I think ______ is asleep, unfair, dishonest, cowardly and immature. 

I asked myself the four questions, which I understood and which rang true for me. But it was the turnaround that really blew me away. Turn the thought around: should be honest and true to myself. Yes, without a doubt. ______ is honest and true to himself. He is awake, fair, honest, brave and mature. Of course he is. He was awake enough to know that he didn’t want to be with me any longer. He was honest with himself and with me. He was brave enough to end it. He was mature enough to do the right thing. was asleep, unfair, dishonest, cowardly and immature. Right again! I was willing to stay in a relationship that wasn’t working. I was being dishonest with myself and with him. I was wailing like an abandoned infant. Wow!

There were a number of other Aha moments as the day progressed. I’ll mention a few of them. One man stated: “_____ should be more open-minded.” Katie asked, “Can someone be more open-minded than they are in that moment?” The answer is no. This really got me thinking. Imagine if we stopped trying to control how others behaved? If we stopped judging them, criticising them, feeling superior to them, feeling hurt by them? The other person is not hurting us. It is our thought, our reaction that hurts us. And we have the power to change that thought. What a liberating realisation!

Byron Katie spoke about relationships. She suggested: “Your partner is your teacher. He / she is working on you as he / she is always showing you what you need to learn. This makes it much easier for you as it cuts your work in half.” I had never thought of it that way before. So, it’d be in my interest to find myself a “teacher”… Must put in a request…

Finally, one woman told us that she hates her belly because it’s too fat. Byron Katie picked up a little flower and said (in the type of voice a flower might have): “I’m so beautiful!” She then pointed the flower in the direction of a vase filled with different flowers. She / the flower said: “There must be something wrong with me… I’m not yellow. I don’t have as many leaves as that flower, I’m not as open as that other one, and I think I’m too short.” We laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. She then turned to the woman and asked, “Your belly is too fat for what?” The woman answered, “To be sexy and attractive.” Katie said: “So, you see your body as collateral. You think – I’m not going to get much with this body.” Again, we laughed. The woman admitted that sometimes her boyfriend tells her that he doesn’t like her belly. Byron Katie said: “You be your boyfriend and tell me that you don’t like my belly. I’ll be somebody who loves my belly. I’ll be you.” When the woman told Katie that she had a problem with her belly, Katie responded: “Oh my God, I hope you get over that! That must be awful for you. Whose problem is that? It’s certainly not mine.” She added: “If your mind cannot compare, is it possible to see yourself as anything other than perfect?” She concluded: “Your ego doesn’t want you to become enlightened. Your attachment to the thought that you are fat is not allowing you to wake up.” Sit with that one for a moment…

Who would you be without the thoughts that are terrorising you? Relaxed? At peace? Happy? Present? Become aware of the thoughts that are making you feel bad. Develop an inquiring mind. Question your beliefs. And turn them around. As Byron Katie says: “Change your thoughts. Change the world.”

Which of these poppies is not perfect?

Image: incrediblesnaps.com/60-beautiful-flower-pictures

Life as Miracle

Life is miraculous. From pregnancy to childbirth; fingernails and eyelashes, involuntary muscle action and the healing process; sleep and dreams, tears and laughter, memory and pain, pleasure and love…

Miracles abound in plant life and in the world beneath the ocean; from sleeping flowers to deep-sea bioluminescence. In the moon’s effects on the tides. In the stars and the planets that glow. In the ever-changing, ever-moving clouds and the simple strangeness of a rainbow. In rivers and mountains and volcanoes. In the mere 62 miles from here to outer space.

Miracles can be sensed in the steady growth of a seed, in the sweet scent of yellow furze, in a silent snowfall. A miracle can be witnessed in every lamb, lion, peacock and panther. In every earthworm, elephant, foal and firefly. In the astonishing metamorphosis of frogspawn, caterpillars and eggs to frogs, butterflies and soaring eagles. In the transformation of chunks of wood to keening violins, the deep tones of a cello, the heartbreaking ambience of a piano and the flamenco dancers invigorated by the passionate plucking of guitar strings.

Miracles can be felt in the beauty that arises from sweeping paintbrushes, from words that tumble from vision to feeling to pen to paper, from a voice that channels raw emotions. Miracles can be found in mathematical genius, geometry and quantum physics. In spirituality, creation, destruction and creator.

A miracle is born with every breath and birdsong; when the leaves dance in the wind, the weeping willow sways and the cherry blossoms fall. Miracles rejoice in the delightful chuckle of an infant, in a lover’s touch, in the awe-struck appreciation of a sunset…

The miracle of life is found in the searching, in the connection, in the bliss and in the discovery of self. In the present moment, in the here and now, in the being beyond language and analysis and definition, in the space between everything else; this is where magic happens. This is life as miracle.

Outside the Zone…

Here are a couple of small steps I’ve recently taken outside my comfort zone…

I was getting ready for a night out with the girls (no matter how old we become, I refuse to call them anything different), when my sister offered to do my makeup. She has a real flair for beauty so I agreed. After she had bronzed and highlighted and made my cheekbones look higher and my lips fuller, she asked: “Can I put fake eyelashes on you?” I hesitated. It would surely be the first thing everyone would notice about me. What if they looked so great that I no longer felt my own little lashes were good enough? Imagine if I was chatting to a cute guy and he looked at me in horror as they slid down my face. “There’s something terribly wrong,” he’d stammer, his face pale.

In case you haven’t noticed, I think too much. I blinked uneasily before blurting, “Why the hell not?” And they looked fantastic! As I walked up town towards the busy night club, I shielded my eyes from the wind and rain and demanded that my friend tell me if my eyelashes fell off. They didn’t.

This morning, I offered to cut a woman’s toenails because she’s in pain and can’t bend to do it herself. Before, I would never have willingly taken on such a task but I told myself, What’s the difference between her feet and mine? She was surprised and pleased and relieved. And she was humble enough to allow me do it. This simple act reinforced for me the beauty of connection and oneness, vulnerability and helping another human being out.

These two experiences are examples of tiny moves away from my comfort zone. You don’t have to run fast or leap far to challenge yourself. Today, I dare you to do something, anything, that you wouldn’t have done before. And if you can do that, imagine what else you could do…

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." Neale Donald Walsch

Image: http://www.thephotoargus.com/inspiration/40-breathtaking-examples-of-serene-sunrise-photography/

No More Excuses

It’s all well and good having brilliant flashes of insight into our behaviour. It’s marvellous to come to some understanding as to why we might be miserable. We can have many an Aha moment as we read tonnes of self-help books and watch endless YouTube clips of Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra. But what’s the point if we never actually change? We moan:

“I’m exhausted because I push myself too hard. I’m constantly striving for perfection. Because I think I’m only worthy of love and acceptance when I’m perfect.”

What a wonderful realisation! But what can we do with it? We might take a little rest (if even) and resolve to love ourselves unconditionally, before falling right back into our old self-destructive patterns. Working too hard, exercising and dieting to excess, and denying ourselves any morsel of pleasure in life… until the next time we binge or act lazy or reconnect with a bad habit; until we fall ill or get depressed and can no longer do all those things that make us feel we deserve a space on this planet. And yet again, we punish ourselves and cry, and wonder what’s the point of life… And if we don’t break down completely or (worst case scenario) decide to take our own lives, we pick ourselves up, wipe away our tears, root out those Mooji clips and dusty Thich Nhat Hanh books and start all over again…

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this. At least we’re trying. I know I do the exact same thing, time and time again. I thought my life would never be the same after watching an inspiring movie, after being introduced to Byron Katie’s work, after reading Awareness, Mutant Message Down Under, Veronika Decides to Die, The Power of NowAnd I really believed it. Every single time. Until my next spell at rock bottom, when I was left wondering where it all went wrong.

Maya Angelou wrote, “When you know better, you do better.” So, if we know what’s to be expected from that sort of conduct, why not save time, energy and heartache and just change, once and for all?

All the motivational books and videos and quotations do help. But they can only bring us forward a certain amount. It’s not called “self-help” for nothing. Ultimately, it’s you, and only you, who can help yourself. People can give you advice, tips and recommendations, but if you’re not ready to take them on board or if you’re unwilling to change, then it’s not going to do much good, is it?

“You can’t teach anybody anything, only make them realise the answers are already inside them.” Galileo

It’s much easier telling others how to live their lives, and to spot where they’re going wrong. We can talk all we want about needing to transform our thinking, but when it comes to actually making a change, most of us chicken out. Because it’s unfamiliar and scary. It takes courage, determination and persistence to change.

I’m not going to finish this off with a persuasive video clip or a book list that’s guaranteed to change your life.

Just change. Do it.

Images: http://blamethecrane.tumblr.com/; http://stylishwebdesigner.com/50-stunning-photographs-to-refresh-your-mind/

Am I Only Dreaming?

Why is dreaming big so frowned upon? When a child announces that he’s going to be a dancer, his parents and teachers hope he’ll grow out of it. Why is it more acceptable to say you want to be a doctor or a teacher, rather than a playwright or a photographer?

Simple. It’s because the people who care about you want to protect you from disappointment and hardship. Because your talent, no matter how much you and your loved ones appreciate it, might not be to everyone’s taste. Because so few people blessed / cursed with creativity “make it”. Because “struggling” is the most common adjective to describe “artist” or “actor” or “writer”. Because they want you to be safe and get a “real” job – one that comes with a company car and a pension. So, you’re advised to just be realistic.

But what’s realistic is acknowledging your gifts and doing something with them. What’s realistic is at least giving it a shot. What’s realistic is wanting to live a happy life doing something you’re passionate about.

Of course, it’s easier to live a normal life. Sharing your creativity means baring your soul. It means lifting the comfortable veil that most of us wear. There can be no secrets when you allow others to glimpse the depths of your emotion, the shades of your pain, the hidden creases of your heart, and the crevices of your imagination.

Sadly, many people don’t even try to pursue their passion. They know they’ve got something special but they’ve given up on it before they’ve even started. Or they’ve never had the time or space to explore their creativity. There are too many bored secretaries, frustrated sales reps and depressed accountants. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning these occupations. Creativity manifests in many forms. I’d just hope that if you work at one of these professions, it’s because order or commerce or numbers are your passion. And if not, that you’d at least humour your creative side on the weekends.

Without dreamers, the world would be a very dull place. We would never have even heard of music, poetry, theatre or literature. If nobody took a chance on their dreams, there would be no Harry Potter or Bilbo Baggins, Dracula or Holly Golightly. We wouldn’t be able to talk on the phone or fly to another continent. Andrea Bocelli would be just another blind Italian. And we wouldn’t have the likes of this. 

Or this.

Starry Night - Vincent van Gogh

Or this. 

Featured Image: Painting by Georgia O’Keeffe – http://www.artchive.com/artchive/O/okeefe.html

Other Images: http://www.flickr.com/photos/amandamabel/5597604359/;

http://www.arthistoryguide.com/Vincent_van_Gogh.aspx

The Gift of the Present

We spend far too much time in our heads – worrying, remembering, giving out to ourselves, complaining… Imagine how much energy we waste on our thoughts… Do we really need them? Could we go on without them? Picture how free we would be if we cut most of them out…

"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time." Charlie Brown

It’s extremely difficult to break the habits of a lifetime but it is possible and so worth it. Everybody’s got to start somewhere. So, here are a few simple exercises that you can try right here, right now…

1. Close your eyes and really feel what it is that you’re feeling. If you’re anxious, find out where that anxiety is. What parts of your body are affected? Give it a colour, a shape. Allow it to expand. There is nothing to fear. When we move out of our thoughts and into our feelings, we take a huge step towards being present.

2. If you’re experiencing pain somewhere in your body, don’t run away from it. It’s trying to tell you something – that you need to take a rest, slow down, make a change… Give the pain a name. Describe how it feels. I know it’s “sore” but what else? What’s the first thing that pops into your head? Homeopaths find the most effective remedies when people describe their symptoms in peculiar ways as it really narrows down the search (there are thousands of remedies). Is the pain digging or dragging, stabbing or burning? Does it feel like tiny needles or grains of sand? Is it hammering or pulsating? When you acknowledge the pain and allow it to express itself to you, it may shift or alter or even disappear completely.

3. I found this next exercise in Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now

“Close your eyes and say to yourself: ‘I wonder what my next thought is going to be.’ Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. Be like a cat watching a mouse hole. What thought is going to come out of the mouse hole? Try it now.”

How long did it take before a thought came in? Are you amazed at how quickly one invades your mind? Did you notice the gap in thinking – the stillness, the “state of intense presence”? Wasn’t that nice? Do you want more of it? Don’t worry, you don’t have to force anything. The more aware you are, the wider the gaps will become.

Being present is being aware. Of what you’re experiencing right now. Not what you think about it or what you think you should do about it. But what simply is. It’s so simple, in fact, that we dismiss it for that very reason.

"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." James Thurber

Images: http://cuzworldisntblackandwhite.tumblr.com/post/13779627654