I met someone at a festival recently, who made a few interesting observations about what it is to be human. As we walked by groups of animated festival-goers, he remarked: “Everybody here has paid money just to be around other people. Humans love being near other humans.” As we passed strings of coloured fairy lights, he added: “Humans are always drawn to the light.” He then urged me to scream: “I’m alive!” We both did, like an aural, two-man Mexican wave: “I’m alive! I’m alive!” Each declaration stirred the life inside me. “It’s true,” I thought. “I am alive.”
A week later, as I drove towards my home town, a great tune came on the radio. I’d love to be on a night out so I could go mad to this song, I wished. Then, I reminded myself that there’s no time like the present. So I howled at the moon and fist-pumped at the oncoming traffic.
And just tonight, as I lie in bed, the wind whipping outside, I grasp a whisper of that evasive peace I felt as I listened to the nocturnal sound of the sea once upon a time in Utila, in Antiparos, in Ballyferriter. I can have that peace right here, right now, I decide with a smile.
Really living doesn’t have to be reserved for the weekends or when you’re drunk or high or on holiday. Each breath is a reminder of the life that courses through you. Your life is a wonderful, miraculous gift. You can enjoy every single moment. Every slurp of tea. Every unexpected chuckle. Every splash of colour. Every chord, caress, aroma and flavour.
You know that you’re alive when your body bounces to a beat, arches into a kiss, nuzzles into slumber, twitches in a dream. You know that you’re human when you shed hot tears of rejection and loss. When your insides glow at a compliment or a pleasant exchange. When you feel the excitement of a flirtation or the nervousness of a new challenge. And you know that there’s more than all this when you feel that magical intimacy with another human being and the world opens just a fraction wider to accommodate the growth of the budding bond that you share.
You feel how spectacular the world is with every glimpse of the sky, the clouds, the trees. With every field, flower, and blade of grass. With the wind that keens and moves amongst it all. With every breath that revives you and moves you… Allow yourself to be moved.
Today, I attended a Byron Katie workshop. Byron Katie’s work involves asking yourself four simple questions whenever you’re feeling bad. They are as follows:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
You then turn the thought around. I’ll give you the example I used when filling out the “Judge-Your-Neighbor” worksheet. We were instructed to go back to a time when we felt hurt. I remembered being dumped by a boyfriend. Katie asked us to go back to the centre of the most painful moment of that episode. I was lying on my bed, roaring crying. I felt shocked, upset, disappointed and rejected. I was also angry because I felt that hehad disrespected me.
Here are a couple of the questions from the worksheet: In this situation, what advice would you offer to that person?You should be honest and true to yourself. What do you think of this person in this situation?I think ______ is asleep, unfair, dishonest, cowardly and immature.
I asked myself the four questions, which I understood and which rang true for me. But it was the turnaround that really blew me away. Turn the thought around: I should be honest and true to myself. Yes, without a doubt. ______is honest and true to himself. He is awake, fair, honest, brave and mature. Of course he is. He was awake enough to know that he didn’t want to be with me any longer. He was honest with himself and with me. He was brave enough to end it. He was mature enough to do the right thing. I was asleep, unfair, dishonest, cowardly and immature. Right again! I was willing to stay in a relationship that wasn’t working. I was being dishonest with myself and with him. I was wailing like an abandoned infant. Wow!
There were a number of other Aha moments as the day progressed. I’ll mention a few of them. One man stated: “_____ should be more open-minded.” Katie asked, “Can someone be more open-minded than they are in that moment?” The answer is no. This really got me thinking. Imagine if we stopped trying to control how others behaved? If we stopped judging them, criticising them, feeling superior to them, feeling hurt by them? The other person is not hurting us. It is our thought, our reaction that hurts us. And we have the power to change that thought. What a liberating realisation!
Byron Katie spoke about relationships. She suggested: “Your partner is your teacher. He / she is working on you as he / she is always showing you what you need to learn. This makes it much easier for you as it cuts your work in half.” I had never thought of it that way before. So, it’d be in my interest to find myself a “teacher”… Must put in a request…
Finally, one woman told us that she hates her belly because it’s too fat. Byron Katie picked up a little flower and said (in the type of voice a flower might have): “I’m so beautiful!” She then pointed the flower in the direction of a vase filled with different flowers. She / the flower said: “There must be something wrong with me… I’m not yellow. I don’t have as many leaves as that flower, I’m not as open as that other one, and I think I’m too short.” We laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. She then turned to the woman and asked, “Your belly is too fat for what?” The woman answered, “To be sexy and attractive.” Katie said: “So, you see your body as collateral. You think – I’m not going to get much with this body.” Again, we laughed. The woman admitted that sometimes her boyfriend tells her that he doesn’t like her belly. Byron Katie said: “You be your boyfriend and tell me that you don’t like my belly. I’ll be somebody who loves my belly. I’ll be you.” When the woman told Katie that she had a problem with her belly, Katie responded: “Oh my God, I hope you get over that! That must be awful for you. Whose problem is that? It’s certainly not mine.” She added: “If your mind cannot compare, is it possible to see yourself as anything other than perfect?” She concluded: “Your ego doesn’t want you to become enlightened. Your attachment to the thought that you are fat is not allowing you to wake up.” Sit with that one for a moment…
Who would you be without the thoughts that are terrorising you? Relaxed? At peace? Happy? Present? Become aware of the thoughts that are making you feel bad. Develop an inquiring mind. Question your beliefs. And turn them around. As Byron Katie says: “Change your thoughts. Change the world.”
Last night, I dreamt that I was going to stay in a hostel with a young couple. I worried that the couple wouldn’t get in if they weren’t seen to be with me. They went in ahead of me and got in, no questions asked. As we settled in our bunks, I could hear the couple talking loudly. Again, I worried that others would judge them, dislike them, and maybe even kick them out. I was surprised to see the older people around them smiling, joining in, laughing, and even telling dirty jokes.
When I awoke, I wrote down this dream. I realised that I am still trying to control my feelings and behaviour. I think I need to change myself because I’m afraid that if I don’t, others will criticise or reject me. In certain situations, around certain people, I believe that I “should” behave a certain way in order to give off the “right” and “acceptable” impression. I fear that if I am open with my emotions or childlike in my behaviour, people will have nothing to do with me. However, in the dream, the older people enjoyed the lightness the young couple brought to the hostel. They even began joking about “inappropriate” things.
I recently started seeing someone who’s very calm and centred. I really like the way he’s so sure of who he is. He doesn’t change himself for anybody else. However, I worried that I wasn’t as together as he is. That if he found this out, he’d be out the door. I know now that I started to close myself off a little, trying to control and even change myself. One evening, as we played Cranium, I was so astonished to answer a factual question correctly that I actually tumbled off the couch, landing in a heap on the floor. I had been taking myself so seriously and I still wound up arse in the air right in front of him! I laughed and laughed.
I am adamant now that I am not going to change myself for anybody else. Thankfully, we are all different. We can learn from each other and enjoy our differences, bringing new depths and dimensions to our lives. I was drawn to this guy because he is so sure of himself, which is clearly something I need in myself. And maybe he was drawn to me because he sensed that I could bring an element of fun into his life. And whether it lasts or doesn’t last isn’t important. We should keep learning and growing, no matter what, always remaining open to love for and from others and, most importantly, for ourselves.
This got me wondering how much do we close off to when we hold back, when we suppress what we’re really feeling, and when we deny ourselves what we truly desire? All because we think we have to hide who we are. We are afraid that if we are our true selves, if we express what we’re feeling, and ask for what we want, we will be judged, criticised, and abandoned. So, we control ourselves. In new relationships, in the workplace, and even amongst friends and family, we hold in our opinions because we’re afraid that we won’t come across as being intelligent or witty or loveable.
But here’s the shortcut – be yourself and you’ll find out much, much sooner if you and your partner are really suited. Or your ideas might revolutionise your company. Your friends and family members could learn a lot from your views. The simple act of being yourself is so freeing that it will allow others close to you to be themselves also. Judgement and role-playing will dissolve. You will become assertive in asking for what you desire in your life. People will know where they stand with you because you will be reliable to them – you will always be exactly who you are. And because you are no longer judging or trying to change yourself, those around you will know you are not trying to control or change them either. How liberating!
Of course, it’s not easy to be yourself. First, you have to know yourself, own and accept it, forgive yourself, and love yourself unconditionally. Then, you can gift that beautiful, unique, sparkling true self to the world. Today, decide not to hold back any longer because you would be doing yourself, and those around you, a huge disservice.
So, the dude from last night texted me but I haven’t replied. I’ll explain why but first I’ll have to tell you the whole story…
The Dude got chatting to my friend and I by eavesdropping and then interrupting the tale I was telling her about a male friend. He enquired, “How did you get on with him?” “Fine,” I said and turned back to my mate. He persisted in asking me questions until he figured out that the guy from the story was just a friend. He then asked: “So, where’s the love of your life?” “I don’t know yet,” I responded. I never got to finish the conversation with my pal because The Dude was there to stay.
The Dude proceeded to seriously insult my resilient friend while simultaneously coming on to me. We can both take a joke but this guy was going too far. Fortunately, she wasn’t fazed by his brutal banter and he did make us laugh, so we stayed chatting to him and his mates. One of them whispered that The Dude was only joking and that it was a technique to chat me up. He explained that if I thought he hated my friend but liked me then I’d think I was extra special. What did he take me for? A needy puppy who couldn’t distinguish between a kick and a cuddle?
A few years ago, a male friend told me about a book called The Rules or The Game or The Condescending Bastard or something, which had taught him how to get lucky with the ladies. He began to adopt strategies like using insults as chat-up lines. He’d start with something like: “You could have at least brushed your hair before leaving the house!” The surprised dame would look all offended but then he’d follow with something charming and funny and she’d be hooked. Or he’d converse with the least good-looking girl in the group so the hot girl would wonder why he was ignoring her. Then, when he finally gave the pretty one his attention, she’d be relieved and grateful and his for the night. This unconventional approach worked a treat for him in night clubs.
That method might fool girls who are horribly insecure and easily manipulated but not a 31-year-old woman who’s made the effort to work on her self-esteem and doesn’t want to entertain such ridiculous mind-games (yes, I am talking about myself in the third person). I’ve come too far to waste my time on a man who belittles others to cover up his own insecurities.
If I went on a date with him, would he drop the act and be real with me? Or would I spend the evening trying to defend myself by conjuring up witty retorts, while desperately hoping to outsmart (and thus charm) him with my cool intelligence? This year, I’ve decided to go with my instincts. No prizes for guessing what my gut’s telling me about The Dude.
So, why did you give him your number? Because I told him I’m studying acupuncture. And despite informing me that acupuncture was a “questionable occupation”, he ran after me as I walked out of the pub and asked for my number because he wanted me to help him with his sore back (he’s actually not the first guy to use that line). I hesitated before giving him my digits. What if he really did want some acupuncture? Was I to deny a guy in pain some beneficial treatment?
Anyway, he texted today asking how I was. No mention of acupuncture. Not that I’m surprised. But I couldn’t be bothered engaging him in dialogue when I’ve no interest in meeting him again. Am I being mean? Pessimistic? Should I at least have the decency to reply to the chap?
Anyway, enough about him (although he deserves some recognition seen as I’ve just written an entire blog post about him). Here’s an update: My Resilient Friend texted her guy from last night and they’ve arranged a date for Friday. Quick work, girl friend! I told her she’s my role model.
Last night I witnessed a friend doing something so brave I almost came out in a rash for her.
I met my gal pal for a few Saturday night bevvies. We were standing in a cold part of the smoking section when my friend spotted a table by a heater. But a man was there. She decided to ask him if we could swap tables. She persuaded him by telling him he was a “strapping fella” and he was wearing a coat. He obliged.
As we caught up on our news, she kept catching his eye. After just two glasses of wine, she stood up and announced, to my excitement and horror, “I’m going to ask for his number!” I worried that she’d pick up on my terror so I kept my mouth shut and simply smiled and nodded. I may have also given her the thumbs up. I don’t know. It all happened so fast.
She sauntered over to him and I slyly watched them in the reflection of a window. She was talking and laughing and typing something into her phone. She breezed back, mission accomplished. And not a bother on her.
Later, we discussed the issue with a lad, who said it’s a turn-on when a woman approaches a man. It shows that she’s confident and doesn’t care what people think. I confessed that I’ve an almighty fear of rejection. My friend stated: “If you feel fabulous, the outcome won’t matter.” She told us that if the guy had refused her advances, she wouldn’t have felt any differently about herself. He wouldn’t be rejecting her as a person because he doesn’t know her. He could have a partner or he may not find her physically attractive. She added: “It’s impossible for every man to find the same woman beautiful.”
She explained it with such logic that it actually made sense to me. Maybe it didn’t have to be so scary… We decided that the next time we go out, I’ll give it a go. Challenge accepted! Eek!
P.S. As we were about to leave the pub, a guy we’d been talking to came after me and asked me for my number. And I gave it to him. Already, 2012 is proving to be a very interesting year…
We spend enough time being the worker/parent/student/householder. So why spend the rest of our time torturing ourselves? Doing the things we think we should be doing. Being the person we think we should be. It’s time to throw the shoulds out with the dirty bath water and embrace the coulds and want tos and feel likes.
How many of you hide parts of yourself from the outside world because you’re afraid of being rejected, ridiculed, written off for being crazy?
It’s okay to be weird. To stray from what’s supposed to be normal. And the sooner we admit our quirks to ourselves, the sooner we can bravely show off our authentic selves to the outside world. It just takes one of us to begin flashing our true colours loudly and unashamedly. Soon enough, those around us will become fed up of falseness and find freedom much more exciting.
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
Your neighbour doesn’t call to your house when she’s in the middle of a no-makeup, Sex & The City marathon, duvet day. Your co-worker doesn’t shuffle out of his suit to show you the David Bowie tattoo on his backside. The townsfolk don’t come to the pub when they’re greasy-haired and spotty. And if they do, GOOD FOR THEM!
Most people face the world with their best (more controlled) side out. That’s why when we feel shitty, we presume that we’re the only ones who cry into our cereal, who want to stay indoors all weekend, who clap along to the X Factor, who fantasise about punching our exes in the face. And those who do engage the outside world, with their flaws evident, are often seen as mad. Think of human beings as T-shirts. Most of us are cool or colourful or at least freshly ironed. But the ones who are brutally honest and admit to feeling lousy or who shout at passers-by as they smack themselves across the head are T-shirts too. They’re just inside out.
When I’m anxious, I bite the skin on my lips and fingertips but I try not to do it in public because someone once said it made me look retarded. I wailed on the stairs when my ex left me but I held it together when I met my best friend for coffee later that afternoon. I stuff more Pringles than I’m hungry for into my face when I’m alone but I resist a second chocolate biccie when I’m in company.
Of course, most people want to be seen as disciplined, energetic, intelligent, forgiving. So we mask the silly side and the shallow side and the angry side and the depressed side. Well, I think that’s boring.
Just be yourself. Your whole, wonderful, wacky self. Because when you allow yourself to be just that, you can finally open up to the right friends and potential partners for you. And you will be giving license to those around you to unleash their inner uniqueness too.
So, here goes. This is me in all my glory. Sometimes, I like to meditate. Other times, I’d rather shout along to my newest downloads. Sometimes, I think logically and can see the bigger picture. Other times, I imagine breaking cups in frustration as I cry big baby tears of hurt and sadness. Sometimes, I decide to watch documentaries on the economic crisis. Other times, I’d rather escape my reality by losing myself in reality TV. Sometimes, I’m sociable. Other times, I feel fat and ugly and tired and lazy so I don’t even get dressed. Sometimes, I read books on spirituality. Other times, I simply curl up with a cup of tea and the latest Jodi Picoult novel.
You don’t have to be Either/Or. You can be everything and anything all at once. You are you and there is no other you out there. You are fabulously confusing, glitteringly fascinating, mesmerisingly unique. Be you. Do you. Reveal the masterpiece that is you. Because you’re spectacular. And I am too. We all are. We’re just not the same. And thank God for that.
"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." Coco Chanel
Have you ever wanted something so bad but been too afraid to go for it? Have you allowed opportunities pass you by as you looked on helplessly? I’ve cried tears of sadness, confusion and frustration over things I haven’t had the courage or the confidence to pursue.
For me, a fear of rejection has always paralysed me. I would grieve someone before confessing my feelings for them. I ‘ve struggled with a lifelong delusion of not being wanted or loved. I doubted my right to happiness, fulfilment and even a space on this planet.
In my early twenties, if I was in a busy café and there were people waiting to be seated, I would become agitated and hurry my coffee because I clearly thought that I didn’t deserve a place as much as these strangers did.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anaïs Nin
I assumed that I’d never be lucky enough to experience true love or enter into a functional relationship. I had obviously come to the conclusion that I wasn’t worthy.
I remember a time not so long ago when I was talking to someone I was interested in romantically. As he spoke, I just wanted to reach out and touch him. But I didn’t want to scare him away or make myself vulnerable. So I just smiled and nodded and slapped back the desire, turning it into something that had to be suppressed, a flame that had to be quenched for fear of burning myself.
I could never let a guy know that I was interested in him as the fear of rejection was too great. I couldn’t handle another confirmation that I was unlovable. And so I was left with all these feelings and nowhere to vent them. It was a lose-lose situation. I was either denying myself the pleasure of getting with a wonderful man or losing myself in a fantasy world of misinterpreted hope, where it was possible that, one day, I’d ride into the sunset with a man who had absolutely no interest in me, sunsets or riding.
I often marvelled at the courage of some of my friends who were confident enough to ask men out. One friend told me that, on a night out, she simply grabbed a guy’s face and kissed him. I delighted in her story but the thought of doing something similar caused me to shut down in terror.
I would rather wait to be asked out. However, I recently realised that this meant giving my power and freedom of choice away. I neglected the possibility of selecting whom I wanted to date. I have to admit that this is an area I still need to bring awareness to. I don’t know if I’ll be shoving my face into a man’s any time soon but I’m working on it.
This process begins by noticing the magnificent light that shines brightly within me. I’m awakening to my life’s purpose. I now appreciate my talents and quirks and I’m finally recognising that I am fun and interesting and lovable.
If you are full of desire for something but are too terrified to pursue it, ask yourself why. What is it that you want? What are you afraid of? Sit with the answers you give yourself and the emotions that this will bring up.
You may even realise that you’ve built the person/state of being/trip/job up so much that the reality of acquiring said item would be a lot different from the scenario your imagination is creating. The thing you want shimmers before your parched soul like a spectacular mirage.
"Without awareness of bodily feeling and attitude, a person becomes split into a disembodied spirit and a disenchanted body." Alexander Lowen
You may also identify that you’re feeling starved of affection, approval, success or enjoyment. Try giving yourself these things. You don’t have to wait until you’ve got a promotion/date with Mr I-think-is-Right/airline tickets for an African safari. Embrace the wondrous nature that is right on your doorstep if you would just open your eyes. Treat yourself to some self-love, understanding and compassion. Talk to yourself. Become your new best friend. Respect the inner strength that has taken you to this point in your life. You are a survivor. You don’t need to be wearing a power suit or a wedding ring before you can deem yourself worthwhile. Delight in the miracle of your very existence.
That’s not to say don’t go for what you want out of life. Set up your own business. Ask your crush out. Plan an exciting trip for your upcoming holidays, be it backpacking around Southeast Asia or rediscovering Ireland’s coastline.
And if you get knocked back, be gentle with yourself. Then congratulate yourself on your courage and determination. Recognise that this particular path is not going to take you to your desired destination and simply change direction. As you release the fear, the baggage you’re carrying on your journey will become lighter. And when you no longer have to lug that heavy weight across your shoulders, you’ll be free to look up and notice the magnificence of your surroundings.
This song resonates with me as I can’t imagine being able to vocalise these lyrics to someone I cared about. Yet…
One could argue that it’s the dumpee who needs the help but sometimes it’s hard to be a dumper. The last thing you want is to hurt the other’s feelings, you’d rather not face their tears and/or wrath, and you worry that you might not make it out of there with all your bits intact.
I know it’s hard but, please, don’t employ the “never contact again” approach. It’s just cowardly and unfair. A number of years ago, I met a handsome fellow skier in Austria. We hit it off and went on a couple of dates when we came back to Ireland. And then, nothing. We’d had a great last date, he drove me home, and we kissed. And then, not a dickie bird. I spent the next week checking my phone and wondering. Maybe he dropped his mobile down the loo. Did he get back with an ex? Did my breath smell? I shouldn’t have worn my hair up. He could have been in an accident. Maybe he’s dead. I kinda hope he’s dead.
After a week of theorising, I decided to bite the bullet and text him myself. I asked how he was. He complained about being sick all week. But I knew something wasn’t right. So, I told him that I’d wondered why I hadn’t heard from him. It was only at my courage and prodding that he finally told me he wasn’t interested in having a girl friend. I replied: “That’s ok. Just needed to know.” It wasn’t the response I’d been hoping for but at least now, I knew where I stood. I didn’t have to waste any more time inventing scenarios where his sexy female friends had lured him into an alcohol-induced coma. So, I stopped acting like a crazy person and moved on.
It’s not easy to be the bearer of bad news. Your partner may be oblivious to how you’ve been feeling. Things had been going great. You like them as a person but you no longer want to share your saliva or your plans for the future with them. You’d rather study/work/wash your hair several times in a row than hang out with them. And your partner deserves to know this. Well, not about the washing your hair part but you know what I mean. Your future ex will be unhappy for a bit but it’s better to end it now than have two very unhappy people further down the line.
Here’s how to end a relationship (and come out alive):
1) Be honest
If it comes from the heart, it’ll make sense to your soon-to-be ex and it’ll hurt a lot less too. Tell him/her how you’re feeling and what you want and don’t want. This will allow them to fully understand what’s happening and to air their own feelings. Who knows, you may even wind up being mates.
After a (mostly) wonderful four months of fun and kisses and romantic sunsets together, I decided to end it with a lovely chap from Wicklow. Because, despite the fun and kisses and romantic sunsets, there was just something off. I felt he was trying to be something he wasn’t just so I’d like him more. After a good stint of gentle pleading, flattery, and pulling at the heart-strings, he changed tactics. He told me I was too afraid to commit, that I was gullible, that I lived with my head in the clouds, and that I clearly had issues with my mother. He obviously knew deep down that I wasn’t suitable for him. But he chose to ignore our differences, and instead tried to change himself just so we’d have a chance at working out. And it was only when he knew he’d lost me that he was finally honest. No doubting my decision so!
2) Choose your moment
Don’t dump them on their birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s Day/New Year’s Eve/right before an important exam or job interview/on the anniversary of their mother’s death. This doesn’t leave you with a lot of time. So, do it on a Saturday when they’re not in work. This will give them space to blubber and wail and plot your assassination without having to hide their tears and snotty noses from their co-workers.
3) Choose your medium
Ideally, do it face-to-face. Your partner deserves this. You need to suck it up and deal with their shock, sadness and possible rage. Having said that, it’s not always possible to end it in person. Thanks to modern technology, you can also dump someone via text message, phone call, email, Skype or Facebook chat. DO NOT dump someone on their Facebook wall, even if they did cheat on you with the young wan you used to babysit. It’ll just make you look like an insecure, psychotic, bitter biatch.
4) Know that you’re doing the right thing
This knowledge may make it easier for you. You’ll both be better off in the future. If two people, who are totally unsuited, stay together, they’ll only damage each other with resentment and anger in the long-term. At least, once the pain-staking break up is over, you can move on, and enjoy being single for a while. And as a result, you’ll know a little bit more about what you want (and don’t want) from your next relationship.
5) The beauty of the white lie
If you want to make a clean break, maybe it’s best not to divulge how much you hate the way they chew, and how you sometimes had sexy dreams about their brother. Or that their new hair style makes them look like Susan Boyle. Before the makeover. If you haven’t been together long, the white lie manoeuvre is ideal. Tell them that you’re just not ready for a relationship, or you’re not over your ex, or that they’re just too good for you and you’re too messed up to appreciate that right now.
Alternatively, you could do like Chandler in Friends and tell them that you’re moving to Yemen.
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Award
My most recent discovery…
Acoustic cover playlists on 8tracks
Things I love…
Being outdoors in nature, fun, yoga, exercising, sunshine, cups of tea, movies, music, writing, swimming in the ocean, books, travel, laughter, cafés, learning new things, bear hugs and kisses...
