“You find it hard to practice what you teach, don’t you?” This came from a woman I was chatting to the other day. She continued: “What people say still affects you. And so long as you’re worrying about them, you’re not living your own life. You’re not being you.” The directness of her words cut through me. I felt like a fraud. Who am I to be giving Positive Living classes, I thought. And with a flash of insight, I realised that I had just proved her point.
I decided, rather than let this get to me I could allow it to get through to me. The lady went on: “Life is gently tapping at your door, trying to give you a message. If you don’t listen, if you refuse to change, the knocking will get much louder.”
About a month ago, I was feeling tired and unenthusiastic about life. I was pushing myself a little too hard, which was sucking the enjoyment from my activities. Then, I put my back out at the gym. I was forced to stop. I felt frustrated. I wanted to continue my routine the way I had planned.
As a result of this injury, I decided not to renew my gym membership and I have taken up Pilates, yoga and getting out in nature instead. I also worked on my time management so that my class preparation isn’t eating too much into my evenings and weekends. My back is all better now, thankfully, and so is my life.
The other challenging aspect of my life of late has been my dealings with the opposite sex. I set up an online dating profile and met a number of men. I experienced a few disappointments and a few okay-but-nothing-to-write-home-abouts. And then four first dates cancelled on me in as many days. At this stage, I’m no longer bothered. I’m even seeing the hilarity of it all. Plus, these cancellations freed me up to do something else or to simply relax.
Having said that, I have been speaking an awful lot about men. I realise that I was giving a lot of energy to the negativity of the situation instead of surrendering to the whatever’s meant to be will be mentality. Also, I now feel that I’m being spared becoming emotionally invested in men who wouldn’t be good for me.
This morning, I received an email from TUT… A Note from the Universe. It read: “Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Sharon, is a pretty good sign that you’ve got something huge and profoundly liberating to learn.” I laughed out loud. I then did some Zhan Zhuang along with a YouTube video and the voice-over said these words from the Tao te Ching: “To bend like a reed in the wind – that is real strength.”
This afternoon, while I should have been having lunch with one of my no-shows, I went to close a dormant credit union account in my home town and discovered that I still had money in it. Last weekend, I had impulsively decided to give a fair amount of money to someone. We embraced excitedly and she promised to repay me. I told her that I meant it as a gift. It just felt right. And today, I got back almost all of that money. So I filled my car with petrol and took myself to a nearby village for lunch. When I went to purchase a parking ticket, a man handed me his as he left the car park.
You really do get what you give out. So rather than resisting the changes to my carefully laid-out plans, cursing any perceived lack in my life, caring what others are saying, doing or not doing, I’m being present, listening to life and feeling the abundance. And even though it sometimes feels that the wind will break me, I know that I could just let go and become part of this beautiful dance.