Last night, as I tripped, once again, into negative self-judgment, I had a wonderful realisation. This is my default.
When my energy is depleted, when I’m in conflict in relationships, when someone criticises me, this is my default.
Self-judgment. There’s something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. I should be different.
With this understanding, I decide that enough is enough. It’s not fair to hate myself. To take all of the blame. To compare myself and always come up short.
I have to accept myself for who I am. Love myself. Be there for me. Otherwise, who else can?
No more apologies. No more biting my tongue for an “easy life”.
What might seem easier in the external world creates chaos in the internal.
When I don’t speak my truth, I tell myself that my opinion doesn’t matter, that I don’t know best. I’m not worthy.
I turn the confusion and anger inwards and it eats me up. It turns me inside out so I face the world raw and defenceless.
Anxiety, depression and low confidence prevent me from fulfilling my potential and enjoying presence and happiness.
I stress about my finances, career, personal life and body image. Instead of figuring out what’s good for me, I hand my power over to everybody else.
So today, I refuse to remain silent.
I won’t apologise for my belly that sticks out a little. I don’t have to say sorry for having different interests, beliefs and insecurities.
I’m not “too much” of one thing and “too little” of the other. I am what I am.
I’m on a journey just like we all are. And I’m figuring it out as I go along.
After a challenging Life Coaching session this morning, I walk towards a café.
The wind flaps my t-shirt upwards. For a moment, I worry about my protruding belly.
Then I remember that I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m me and that’s perfect.
As I enter the café, Billy Joel belts out these lyrics:
I don’t care what you say any more, this is my life.
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.
I break into a grin and keep on walking.