DARKNESS

 

 

Envy ~ Disappointment ~ Grief

 

Comparison

Not good enough

 

Anxious  

Out of my fucking control

 

Creases and colours

Should be different:

Better – smoother – younger?

 

Not enjoying the moment

Shouldn’t you? Why don’t you? What’s wrong with you?

My fault.

 

Resistance : Frustration : Pain 

 

Not doing enough

So much potential

Waste

Will you regret it?

Try harder / stop trying so hard

 

Let down

Judging it and him and her

And myself really

 

Retreat so they can’t hurt me any further

I hurt myself

 

That couldn’t happen for ME

Why can’t it happen?

Frown

 

Dirty _ Ugly _ Disgusting_

 

ANGER 

How can I unleash it?

 

Do I have to be more positive? 

Grateful? 

Shiny shiny smiley happy?

FUCK!

 

Wanting

Or confused about wanting or not wanting…

 

Too sensitive, so sensitive

 

Shoulds. A hurricane of shoulds.

 

On edge

 

Why am I like this? 

Is there any hope for me?

 

THE OTHER SIDE OF DARKNESS?

 

What can we do with a human like this?

Love her, love her, streaming with love for her

Whisper we love her time and again

 

She can’t hear us

She’s not yet listening

 

We’ll bellow declarations of love for her

She’ll swat away the tingle of our embrace

 

Can’t she see her smile?

How it connects and it welcomes

 

Her talent?

How she cares?

 

How she wants so desperately to trust 

But doesn’t quite understand the true meaning of that word:

Trust

 

Because she’s afraid

She’s afraid because

She takes on the impossible burden

 

Doesn’t she know that she’s never alone?

She’s safe

Held.

 

You’re safe, my love

We’ve got you

We’re part of you

 

Let go

Let go, lovely one

 

Don’t you feel our love for you?

We love that you try

We adore who you are

We admire how honest you are with your emotions

How you own your imperfections

And we applaud how hard you’re working

To shed layer after layer of a density

That. Isn’t. Even. Yours.

So that you can finally reveal the brilliance within

 

We love that you’re living and laughing

Crying and ageing

Sharing and helping

And letting love in

 

We’re so happy that you don’t know it all

So we can continue to surprise you

You’ll surprise yourself too

 

All you really have to do is… 

Breathe

 

And be with yourself

Unconditionally

 

It’s okay that you don’t know who we are

That you don’t yet trust in our existence

 

You’re okay

Everything will be okay

There’s no need to hold on so tight

 

One inevitable, magical, can’t-wait-for, patiently-waiting-for

THAT day

You’ll see us 

In the glint of your iris

A sparkle in the skyline

The flicker of a candle

And the shapes of the shadows

 

You’ll begin to feel us

In a flutter, a warmth, a glow

 

You’ll recognise us

In the electricity of a shooting star

The astonishing miracle of a rainbow

 

You’ll know us in the delight of a synchronicity

The generosity of a stranger

The knock-knock love of a lover, a child

 

That one special day

And over the course of many tiny monumental moments

You’ll trust in our presence

You’ll feel it and know it and understand it

 

Until then

We’ll keep singing your praises

Blowing you kisses

And writing you love letters across the galaxy

 

Bear hugs

Butterfly kisses 

And all the love that you never even dreamed you deserve

(but deserve it all, of course, you do)

 

• As I was finishing this piece, the song above kept playing in my head. I’d never really listened to the lyrics properly before!