Co-dependency

I had a rather interesting awareness today. I was needy. Up until very recently, I had been behaving in a needy, co-dependent manner. Throughout my life, I had a number of co-dependent relationships (not all romantic), which were safe and sweet when they were good and devastatingly painful when they weren’t.

I became unreasonably annoyed when a boyfriend didn’t contact me for a whole day. And I felt justified in my anger. He mustn’t care, I thought. If it had been a friend or family member, it wouldn’t have cost me a thought. But because he was my boyfriend, the rules changed. Boyfriends should contact their girlfriends every day. Otherwise, it’s a sign that they’re not interested. Can we take this deeper? If he’s not interested, it probably means that there’s something wrong with me. That I don’t deserve to be loved. No wonder I was angry! Which made him frustrated. And not long afterwards, he left me. My heart broke. And then it healed. I now know that he did me a huge favour. I’m glad it’s over. That’s not to say that he’s a bad guy. We just weren’t suited. Deep down, I’d always known this. I’d just become too attached to the idea of being attached that it hurt too much to detach myself.

I only realise now that I’d been acting needy. I needed constant reminders of his love. I needed to be reassured. To be held and rocked and stroked like a screaming baby, terrified of being left alone. To be left alone as an infant means certain death. But we forget that we are adults. That we are strong. Capable. Loveable. Enough. So, we wail and cry and demand attention. We get attention all right. Just not the type of attention we’d been hoping for.

The core feeling in co-dependency is a fear of being left alone. We long for connection. Because when we feel connected, we feel safe. The delusion is that we are disconnected. Separate. Alone. So, we cling to others. To the people who show us affection; to the ones who look after us, and make us feel good about ourselves. When we fear they might be slipping away; the love, security and trust that we associated with that person disappear with them. And we are left vulnerable and scared and angry that they could make us feel this way. They didn’t make us feel anything. They didn’t make us feel hurt or betrayed. They didn’t even make us feel happy or in love. We did it all by ourselves.

When you love someone so much that you can’t live without them, that’s when you’ve got to live without them. Live your life to the fullest. Believe in your power and potential. Love yourself exactly as you are, where you are. And when you feel strong enough to be compassionate, independent enough to feel connected; and when you’ve got so much love for yourself that you can accept somebody else’s love for you, then, and only then, will you be ready to enter into a healthy partnership.

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4 responses to “Co-dependency

  1. Your honesty and simplicity in expressing your experiences are inspiring and thought provoking. Thank you. Maureen

  2. Been there, done that and never again, hope these tips help…

    Limerence is a distinct state that creates that “feeling of being in love” – that state which Hollywood loves to portray as “love”… but limerence is really as far from the genuine article as a zircon is from a true diamond.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance

    Unlike real love or affection, limerence is all-consuming. Other aspects of the limerent’s life – including love – are often sacrificed to this desperate need.”

    http://www.gramps.org/limerence/

  3. Been there, done that and never again, hope these tips help…

    Limerence is a distinct state that creates that “feeling of being in love” – that state which Hollywood loves to portray as “love”… but limerence is really as far from the genuine article as a zircon is from a true diamond.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance

    Unlike real love or affection, limerence is all-consuming. Other aspects of the limerent’s life – including love – are often sacrificed to this desperate need.”

    http://www.gramps.org/limerence/

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