This morning, I rise at 5am. I do some breathing and get dressed in the half-light.
I shut the front door quietly and slip past blindfolded houses. I feel like I’m playing a trick on society, the only one awake.
Cars are wrapped in ice. The air is cold. I feel strong, resilient.
I walk up an empty street, flanked by glowing green traffic lights. Birdsong surrounds.
Salt and pepper clouds are bunched up in a corner of the sky. This is it, I smile excitedly.
I pass through a shuttered town then turn up a country road. Sheep graze. I wonder how long they’ve been up.
I point my camera at a lamb posing by a gate. It bolts. Good for you, I think.
Hefty cows lie across frosty fields. A blackbird balances on the branch of a tree. My gaze gives it flight.
Half-way through the walk, I realise that I don’t have much time to get ready for work. I run-walk-run-walk the rest of the way. An unintentional High Intensity Interval Training session. My chest sparks.
As I near home, the sun comes up behind me. It’s a beautiful day.
This could be where the story ends. All positivity and motivation.
But what about the other parts the writer or social-media sharer omits?
How deciding to set my alarm so early made me anxious. How I feared that not enough sleep would mess with my mood.
How I worried that I’d be attacked while solo strutting along deserted streets. How I hoped I wouldn’t injure myself when running.
The first part of the story is still true. I did marvel at the mystery of the early morning. And I was present for a lot of it.
The other part of the story can be summed up as follows: I had concerns but I didn’t let them dominate me.
I’ve been cohabiting with a scare-mongering, self-critical voice for as long as I can remember and its lyrics can convince and connive.
But there’s a flame inside me that’s growing too bright to ignore. It wants a better life and it finally believes that it’s possible.
I’ve gone from being paralysed by fear to moving forwards even as my limbs tremble.
So I walk-run-walk-run and my breath deepens. And as I fade in and out of fear and presence, the sun rises and shadows shift.
Do you ever question why you feel bad? The majority of the time I feel bad is as a result of a thought I’ve just entertained.
Without the thought, I’d feel perfectly fine. I’d be in the moment.
However when I live in my head, thoughts of shoulds and shouldn’ts, worst-case scenarios, overwhelming to-do lists and doomed-to-fail expectations flood me with feelings of annoyance, panic, disappointment and exhaustion.
The thought of what needs to be done teleports me into a bad mood. The thought of the consequences of breaking out of my comfort zone keeps me barricaded inside it. The thought of the negatives eclipses the positives.
Thoughts can cause energy leaks, destroy special moments and meddle with my relationships. Living in my thoughts dishonours what is. It’s right there and I’m missing it.
Armed with this realisation, whenever I feel bad, I ask: Is this feeling a product of a thought I’ve attached to?
If it is, I acknowledge it and let it go. If it isn’t just a thought, if it really is my feeling, I allow myself to fully feel it so that it can transform and so that I can heal and grow.
The average brain thinks about 50,000 thoughts per day. There’s no use trying to resist them. Simply observe them and let them float on by like clouds in the sky.
The danger is when you identify with your thoughts. If it looks like your ego’s making a scene, disentangle yourself from it. Pause. Breathe. Release.
Get out of your head and come back into your body. Stop thinking. Feel your way through.
I still catch myself holidaying in my head. It’s like a booze-fuelled break from reality. It’s certainly not boring up there but it’s seriously unhealthy and leaves me feeling drained and full of fear.
When I notice that my thought-inspired dramas are spilling into my reality, I make the decision to STOP THINKING. I have to make that decision on a fairly regular basis.
I remember to count my blessings, breathe and be present. I swap my critical, fear-based, lack-based self-talk to a more loving, gentle, encouraging pep-talk.
Thoughts will come and they will go. One minute they’ll tell you one thing, the next minute they’ll swear it’s the opposite. Why would you believe such an unreliable storyteller?
The truth is in this moment. Not in your thoughts about this moment. But in this beautiful, unadorned present moment.
This is your reality. Right now. Look at it. Listen to it. Give gratitude for it. Breathe into it. Now.
Feeling upset about something. Nothing in particular and everything at the same time. Unable to articulate, communicate or even know why.
I decide to meditate. Sit with the feeling. Then I start to speak, hesitantly, as though telling a loved one what’s wrong.
The tears flow. And then I hear the underlying mantra: “Not good enough.”
So I tap on this revelation: Not good enough. (Emotional Freedom Technique – tapping on acupressure points around the body while voicing what I’m feeling, thereby unblocking and releasing.)
Good enough to be an acupuncturist, a teacher, blogger, girlfriend. But not good enough to be a successful entrepreneur, bestselling author, an international speaker, a wife, mother, or even a live-in partner.
I understand that there’s more to these sweeping statements. I am holding myself back. I’m not prepared to put in the effort if it’s not going to lead to anything. I worry that I’ve nothing unique to offer. Yet I’m still judging myself for not working harder.
On the other hand, one thing I have worked unceasingly upon is my own personal development. I have to congratulate myself for that.
And I know that I’m “The One” in one amazing person’s eyes. We love each other and have a wonderful relationship. However, the circumstances are not conducive for us to live together and neither one of us is sure about marriage or kids. Plus, it’s healthy to have our own lives. Despite getting the logic, I’m still left feeling undervalued and not wanted enough. Again with the mantra: “Not enough.”
I realise that I’m looking to external factors for validation – other people, labels, milestones, money. What I’m really suffering from is what I’m thinking about myself.
In a flash of inspiration, I see that I need to become my very own superstar. I need to place value on my time, gifts, heart and spirit. I need to celebrate myself and see myself through loving eyes.
I will listen to my intuition, be kind to myself, and love and accept myself more. I must cheerlead further advancement, breakthroughs and prosperity.
I shall become my own captive audience, first-rate life coach, dream-granting fairy godmother and adoring life partner. And I have to be willing and open to LET LIFE LOVE ME.
I get up from my meditation cushion, walk to the mirror, gaze into my eyes and replace the once unconscious mantra of “Not good enough” with a very conscious affirmation: “Life loves me”.
I repeat this statement through self-judgment, cynicism, sadness and fear until a flicker of belief lights a flame of hope within. Let the miracles begin…
And this morning, I was guided to a lecture by Gabby Bernstein and have since ordered her book from the library: Add More Ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness.
There is always something to think, to worry about, to get angry over. Always some drama, a problem to figure out, a decision to make.
With this realisation, I detach, let go, and travel within. The thoughts form and dissolve. The movie of my life still plays on. But I turn down the volume and focus within.
I connect with a deep sense of peace, a groundedness. I listen. I breathe.
Like a novice snorkeller in a world of underwater magic. Astonished by the beauty. Yet all I can hear is my breathing.
I could be lifted from this peace and wonder by an unconscious wandering to wherever my thoughts whimsically transport me. Or I could choose, moment by moment, to return to the present and to appreciate what’s before me, what’s part of me, what I really am.
A slice of this miracle of life presents itself to me. I come to my senses. I savour in the deliciousness of it all. I’m nourished. Whole.
No fear any more. Really. Although there’s still fear, insecurity, discomfort, dangling into the chasm of the unknown.
A lifetime of clinging and scrambling. Dictatorially and unintelligently controlling. Resisting, closing, lashing out against the emotions and the people who triggered me.
Now, I make a different choice. I lean in. Allow. Listen. And with that, comes relief. Learning. Growth. Strength.
I am a warrior in my courage to feel, to be, to connect with others, even though I could be wounded at any moment.
I shrug off my armour and lay down my shield. I no longer point my sword threateningly at the sky. I bare my heart to the heavens.
I have never seen a warrior so vulnerable. Yet she closes her eyes just to feel the sunlight on her skin.
Nature congratulates her with pink and white blossoms, yellows and purples and oranges. Trees reveal themselves to her. Birdsong replaces her soundtrack of doubt. The universe is full.
Her body now free to embrace those she loves. And that has to be everyone. Everything. Herself. Myself. My movie and my constantly altering reviews and reactions.
I drop judgment. I wince at the pain of unhooking attachments.
With loss, there’s lightness. An opening, a flow. A current of love. A deep-seated peace.
I go within and feel calm. I open so that I can live.
I feel a tingling of love wash over me. I understand. I know. I connect.
As soon as I see clearly, my goggles fog over again. For it goes beyond my limited ways of words, analysis and explanation.
It just is. As I am. And I will remember again and again.
I welcome the first day of summer by attending a yoga and music workshop with musician and yoga teacher Jack Harrison.
We lie down and begin with some breathing exercises. Jack strums his guitar, recites poetry and sings.
Then he takes us through a powerful yoga sequence. No music plays now. All we can hear are Jack’s instructions and our breath.
My breathing deepens. I feel strong, present and peaceful.
Afterwards, we sit in a circle and sing. For the most part, I close my eyes and really get into it.
Occasionally, I open my eyes and appreciate what’s in front of me. The fantastic Jack Harrison playing guitar. And a group of people joyously opening their hearts together in song.
Next, Jack suggests that we sing any tune we feel like.
“Dissonance is beautiful,” he insists.
“Some of us were told as children that we weren’t good singers. I was kicked out of the school choir when I was a boy,” he laughs.
“But singing is easy,” he says with a smile.
Many of us spend our lives trying to fit in and appear normal. We’re told how to live and what’s expected of us.
But today for a change, we’re being encouraged to be different. We’ve been given licence to sing our own song in a way that’s right for us in this special moment.
We start quietly and self-consciously. But before long, we become louder and more confident.
I realise that it’s much easier to sing in unison. It’s actually harder to be different. But I’m determined to find my own song.
I go with the feeling. I put judgment aside. I allow myself to be me.
Somewhere between dissonance, unison and harmony, I hear my own voice. Tears prickle behind my eyes. Jack’s right, it is beautiful.
A couple of friends recommended watching First Dates, a television series that films real first dates in a London restaurant. I’ve since watched the entire first season and it’s totally addictive.
As I binge on this hilarious reality TV show, I laugh a lot. But I also shed a few tears.
I can see the beauty in every single singleton. The daters differ in appearance, creed, age, personality and life experiences. But they’re so similar too.
They’re all self-conscious. They all have fears and insecurities. They’ve all lived through hardship, be it heartbreak, illness, loss or rejection.
And they’re all holding on to hope. Hope that they’ll finally find connection, affection, partnership and love. They all want to share their lives with that special someone.
One man, who’s been single since his diagnosis with HIV five years ago, admits: “I just want to be loved.”
This heartwarming show highlights how quick we are to judge our potential partners. I don’t like his receding hairline. I prefer women with smaller bums.
Interestingly, we’re also quick to judge ourselves. I’ll lie about my job because I don’t want to put him off. She’ll never agree to a date because of my height. I’m punching above my weight with her. I’m not as skinny as the other girls.
I believe that when we stop judging ourselves, we cease judging everybody else. When we love and accept ourselves, we become free to love and accept others.
I also believe that we get what we give. So when we give love, we receive it.
I have a friend who loves her dogs more than anything. Recently, I spent an evening at her home. One of her dogs burrowed his way into my arms. Later, he lay on my friend’s lap, his body splayed open, as my friend hugged and kissed him.
It struck me that this dog is full of love. He’s open and trusting and loving. And it’s such a good feeling to have him in your arms.
And my dog-loving friend is perfectly at ease with herself. She’s open and happy and loving. And when I’m around her, I am too.
It’s so easy to give love to a person who’s open to receiving it. And when someone gives love with unconditional abundance, being a recipient of that love feels effortless and unselfconscious.
It’s when the fear takes hold and the thinking starts and the barriers come up, that we block the love. We’re afraid to give love in case it’s thrown back in our faces.
But my advice now is to give love. Give love to yourself. To your friends and family. To your pets and your plants. To everyone you encounter.
Be yourself. Be open. Be present.
Laugh. Flirt. Have fun.
Give love. Accept love. Be love. And I guarantee that you’ll experience love.
So I’ve rejoined Tinder. Again.
P.S. When searching for an image for this article, I browsed the internet. Suddenly, I realised that I’d forgotten to type “Love” in the search bar. “Have I put love in?” I asked aloud.
There’s also no sense in assuming that none of those successful people out there experience fear. They do. To quote the book title, they feel the fear… and do it anyway.
I know somebody who’s recently got a big job promotion. She admitted to me that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Nonetheless, she’s doing it. And the likelihood is that this daunting place she’s now in will soon become a comfort zone. As the saying goes, you’ve just got to fake it ’til you make it.
Susan Jeffers suggests doing one thing each day that takes you out of your comfort zone. Because the place outside of that zone is where you’re challenged to grow.
That magical place is where opportunity manifests. And the contentment (or misery) that you were once resigned to transforms into an energy and fulfilment that you could never have imagined.
I’ve decided to accept Susan’s challenge. So far, the things I’ve done aren’t particularly dramatic. But they’re getting me used to changing my perspective, pushing myself and trying different things.
In the last week, I’ve showered at the gym and done my makeup in the communal mirrors (my comfort zone would be to come straight home after a workout). I took myself to a different venue for coffee and I drove somewhere new.
A couple of nights ago, I spotted an interesting man on an online dating website. Out of habit, I exited his profile.
I don’t initiate conversation with men, I thought. That’s their role. They prefer the chase. And that suits me because I don’t have to risk rejection.
Then I remembered my vow to feel the fear and do it anyway. So I messaged him. I haven’t heard back from him. The ego took a slight kick to the nads but that’s all in a day’s work for a fear-feeling go-getter.
And over the weekend, I used the gym (fitness classes are my comfort zone). I even requested an assessment with a trainer who could design a programme for me. The receptionist booked me in for an appointment with an instructor who I really fancy.
This morning, my fit fitness instructor took me to a private room where I had to take off my shoes and socks (I’m very self-conscious about my feet). He weighed me and told me how fat I am (well, the percentage of fat in my body).
Then, he devised me a programme and showed me how to do all the exercises. I thoroughly enjoyed watching him work (yes, I’m a total perv!)
I just got motivated.
In other news, I was very saddened yesterday to hear of inspirational speaker and author Dr Wayne W. Dyer’s passing. Wayne Dyer was my first introduction to the self-help genre. I got so much from his talks and radio shows. He was a truly excellent speaker.
A few years ago, I attended an event in Glasgow that Wayne spoke at. During the lunch break, my friends approached the speakers with books for them to sign. Striking up conversation with these people was something I shied away from so I took myself for a walk instead. After lunch, my colleagues gushed about meeting Wayne Dyer and the other amazing speakers.
And during my very first Life Coaching session with a fellow student, a suggestion was made that I contact Wayne Dyer and ask for advice on my business. I recoiled from the idea and never followed through.
I’m not beating myself up now for missing these opportunities but Wayne Dyer’s passing has highlighted the importance of embracing the moment rather than shrinking from it.
Wayne Dyer did so much good with his life. He helped and inspired so many people. He wasn’t afraid to shine his charismatic light that illuminated the way for so many others. Or maybe he was afraid. But he did it anyway. Thank you, Wayne. All my love.
Feeling the fear and doing it anyway opens up your world to an abundance of happiness, scariness, rejection, excitement, achievement, failure, success, growth, learning and fulfilment.
All you have to do is acknowledge the voice that constantly denies and declines, warns and negates. Realise that it’s perfectly normal to be afraid. Then muster up the courage to propel yourself out of your comfort zone and into the unknown.
So my advice is to feel the fear and go do it anyway. You’ve more to lose by not doing it.
You may think you know best but all you know is what you think you already know. However, when you plunge into the unknown, you know nothing. And that’s when the world knows better. So life gets better. You get better.
A while back, I received an email inviting me to become an online author for a website called Success Stories. Naturally, I clicked on the link. The tagline for the website read:
“Learn from People who Already Made it”
Was this spam? Or was this a real live website? And if it was legit, why had they selected me to write for them?
What makes me successful in their eyes? Is it because I have a blog? Because I have the words Life Coach, Acupuncturist & Reiki Practitioner beneath my profile picture? Does my ability to write make me seem like I’ve made it?
If only they knew, I thought. I haven’t made it. Far from it. Then I promptly forgot all about it.
Until yesterday. When I received a follow-up email from the editor reminding me of the invitation. This time I replied, asking a few questions. What type of articles? How many words? Would I get paid?
The response I received didn’t make me want to write for them. But it did get me thinking about how I view myself.
I tend to forget about all the amazing things I’ve done. I downplay my achievements.
I compare myself to others, believing that they’re more successful, more confident, more able, more driven and ambitious. I don’t have what it takes, my inner bully insists.
Now however, I imagine how others might view me. How some people may not be able to understand why I sometimes feel afraid and insecure.
When all someone can see is a smiling picture and a job title at the top of a blog that’s been running for almost five years, they’re bound to think I’ve made some sort of a success of things.
And you know what, they’d be right. I have been creating this blog for almost five years. I set it up. I write the posts. I get myself through the experiences that inspire me. I learn from them. I grow. I share.
Yet I dwell on the parts of my life that I deem to be less than successful. But who’s to say what’s a success and what isn’t?
Some of the more difficult and less appealing things that have happened are actually the things that spurred me on to make important changes. To be brave. To be great.
Shouldn’t that be what success really means? So yeah, maybe I have made it.
Here are some things that have happened to me, for me and by me:
I did an excellent Leaving Cert. I dropped out of college. Twice.
I suffered from an eating disorder and depression. I took myself off antidepressants. I worked on myself. I still do. Every day. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
I lived in Spain and Munich. I backpacked through South and Central America. I inter-railed around Europe. I spent a summer on a Greek island.
I married at 23 years of age. I got divorced. I’m single. I’m dating.
I went back to college as a mature student. I’m qualified in many things. I usually get great results.
I’ve worked lots of different jobs. I’ve left lots of different jobs.
I have a great circle of friends.
I’m renting.
I set up my own business.
And you know what? I’m proud of myself. But I don’t think I’ll ever make it.
Because I’m still on a journey. And this journey can be as challenging and painful as it can be beautiful and rewarding.
I feel strong. I recognise all I’ve done to get to where I am. And I acknowledge all that I am.
I have empowered myself enough to be able to navigate myway in the world. I’m doing my best. I’m making it.
Compiling a list of all the things that you’ve been through and all that you’ve achieved is such a positive thing to do. Please make your own list. See how far you’ve come. You’re doing great.
I’m currently rereading Anodea Judith’s excellent book Eastern Body, Western Mind. This morning, I completed an exercise on the Inner Family that I’m going to share with you.
Anodea Judith suggests making a list of the various parts of yourself. You might include the inner child, the clown, the achiever, the lover, the critic, and so on. In my case, I listed the lost child, the inner child, the lover, the romantic, the fearful one, and the warrior.
Next to each name on the list, write a few words describing how you perceive this part of yourself.
For example, I could describe the inner child as playful, curious or innocent. The lost child might be scared and alone. The lover is open, present and sensual. The romantic believes in love. The fearful one anticipates that bad things will happen. And the warrior is stunning, strong and skilled.
Now, write down what you think each part wants. My inner child wants to experience. The lost child wants to be loved. The lover wants to make love. The romantic wants to connect. The fearful one wants peace. And the warrior wants to live.
Ask yourself how often these parts succeed in getting what they want. How realistic are their desires? And what can be done to bring them into wholeness?
In order to bring the various parts of myself into wholeness, I can connect with people, including myself. I can be open to relationship and to love. I can meditate, rest and be still. I can be in nature, surround myself with beauty, and go on adventures. Using all of my senses, I can make love with life every single day. I can be present, really live, relax, allow and enjoy.
The final part of this exercise is to look at who relates to whom. For instance, does the critic inhibit the artist? Or does the clown entertain the sad inner child?
I realise that the parts of myself that I listed seem to go in pairs. The loving, playful inner child is the lost child’s reassuring companion. The confident lover and the dreamy romantic are in perfect partnership. And the warrior protects the fearful one and makes her feel safe.
This is an interesting exercise. Try it and let me know how you get on.
Asked all 447 of my Facebook friends if they wanted to hang out with me (nothing came of that either)
Said hello to lots of strangers (all bar one said hello back)
Asked for a discount on the entrance ticket to a nightclub (my cheekiness didn’t pay off but I got a kick out of asking)
Chatted up a hot guy (it worked)
Texted aforementioned hot guy (no reply – more on that in a sec)
Struck up a conversation with a man who was waiting for me to finish with the parking ticket machine (he was very friendly)
And other stuff that I do anyway on a daily basis but I guess it still involves putting myself out there (adding friends on Facebook, posting revealing blogs on t’internet, opening up to my peers, asking people to do things with/for me)
In other news, the young lad got back in touch. I decided to react with integrity. I told him that I feel we’re not on the same page and I wished him luck. He didn’t respond. But I feel empowered. In Matthew Hussey’s words, I’m a High-Value Woman. I deserve better. And I’m sending out that message from now on.
As for the hot guy, he gave me his number and told me to text him. So I did. He didn’t reply either.
I have to admit, it stung. I found myself diving into a negative spiral of All or Nothing thinking. No guy ever wants to get to know/go out with me. I began to question the point of this whole Rejection Therapy game.
Moments later, I wondered what I’d do today in order to get rejected. And that was enough to get me back on that horse and stop dwelling on one guy I met once.
Six days in and I’ve learned that I’m human. I accept that I have an ego and that rejection hurts. But I can handle it. I pick myself up and I move on. And it does get easier.
Six days in and I realise that it’s the fear of rejection that stops us from putting ourselves out there. And if we allow ourselves to be controlled by that fear, we could be closing ourselves off to many amazing opportunities.
So maybe it is worth feeling rejected every once in a while if it means being open to an abundance of possibility.
As I drive home tonight, I have two big awarenesses:
Because I presume I’ll be rejected, I close down. I don’t make any effort to connect, which likely pushes the other person away.
I react not to actual events but to my beliefs. When I believe that I’m always rejected, I experience rejection. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does because what I believe is true for me.
So all I need to do is change my beliefs. For instance, when Hot Guy doesn’t reply, it doesn’t have to be because he doesn’t like me and no guy ever wants to date me. His reasons for not replying aren’t actually important. What is important is that how I feel about myself (that I’m beautiful and worthwhile) doesn’t change in accordance with Hot Guy’s actions.
All this challenge and introspection may seem like hard work but it’s strengthening my foundation of self-worth so that, pretty soon (hopefully), it will be, I will be, unshakeable.
Being outdoors in nature, personal development, spirituality, teaching, yoga, friends & family, sunshine, good conversation, writing, a good cuppa, swimming in the sea, books, adventure, travel, learning, laughter, fun, good food, bear hugs…
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