She kneels then gazes at me. “See through your eyes and feel with your heart,” she instructs.
Nervousness churns in my stomach. I want to do it right.
“You’re in your mind,” she observes. “You don’t have to be perfect.”
“I know I’m trying too hard and I’m feeling anxious,” I admit.
“How long have you felt like this,” she asks.
“All day,” I respond. Then, “All my life.”
She prods me in the chest and says, “Think with the heart.”
I start to cry. It catches my breath.
I snot up and I’ve no tissues. Definitely not perfect now.
We continue gazing into each other’s eyes. It feels like something drops inside of me.
It takes me by surprise. I sit in calm for the rest of the workshop.
On the drive home, I experience chest pains. I know what it must be – a cracking open.
The following morning, I give myself time to feel my feelings. I let it all in and in doing so, I let it all out. I sob.
That evening, I write again for the first time in ten months.
The workshop was called Opening the Flow of Love with healer Elena Lisnic. As soon as I reach my house afterwards, I send Elena a message and book a session with her for a couple of days’ time.
This afternoon, I attend (partly to see how she works as a fellow practitioner and partly for my own healing). We talk.
I fill her on a current dilemma. She gets me to do some visualisation.
Again, she observes how active my mind is. I recognise the ego in this particular situation.
One option I could give my energy to feels exciting. But I’m also anxious, dreaming and lacking presence.
The other option is easy, relaxed and feels like love. Unless I begin thinking again.
Elena tells me to listen to my heart. The heart speaks softly, gently and it speaks the truth.
Any situation that brings anxiety and constriction is not for my highest good. Hard for someone who’s lived with fear for so long to recognise which is an egoic fear keeping me separate and stuck and which is a genuine guidance system illuminating the right path.
I guess practice listening to the heart and distinguishing between the two will build my self-trust.
Elena reminds me that I don’t need to go seeking outside of myself. I have everything within.
It’s so simple. Not enough drama for the ego.
However, when I’m living in the flow of love, everything is awe-inspiringly beautiful. The world and the spaces between are pregnant with energy. And I am full and whole.
Elena asks me who I am then hands me a blank page. I hesitate then put pen to paper:
Sharon, who are you?
I am brilliance. Shining light.
Love. Connection. Peace. Presence. Infinity.
God is in me.
Flow. Open heart. Abundance. Joy. Laughter.
Hugs. Flowers. The ocean.
Immersion. Space. Expansion. Floating. Flying.
Nothing as everything.