I’ve been shaken up. The way I’m relating to the world has shifted. I’m excited and I’m resisting.
I’m almost half-way through a Non-Duality course with Mark Molumby and I’m doing lots of research on the subject as well as exploring the topics of psychology, spirituality and psychedelics.
As we debate in class, a nervousness bubbles. My identity and attachments are challenged. The ego mutters Uh-oh!
During a class meditation, I go from living in a head of rapid-fire thoughts, predictions and analysis to a melting relaxation to energy whooshing up the front and down the back of the body to a vision of a spiral then a single eye.
As is customary for me, I go from experiencing to thinking about the experience, wanting to describe it and squeeze out meaning. But I’m noticing this habit so my direct experiences are becoming more intense.
I’m having terrifying and wonderfully vivid dreams- a terror of falling backwards from an extreme height then deciding to do a skydive to face the fear and be reborn; a river of colours flanked by ancient trees; and communicating with my boyfriend without words.
I’ve lost interest in Netflix and Love Island, novels and too-sweet biscuits. The humdrum of dramas and complaining seems redundant.
I don’t need to switch off anymore. I’m turned on.
I’m hungry for more- more newness in a return home. I crave sitting in stillness.
For too many years, I struggled to cope with the norms of growing up- exams, holding down a job, finding someone to love me, earning enough money, getting a “normal”, pensionable career, and buying a house (I still haven’t done some of the above, probably never will).
Every so often, I believed myself to be such a failure that I thought I’d be better off dead.
So I worked on myself- I went for counselling, inhaled self-help books, and chanted. I sucked on homeopathic remedies, exercised daily, and ate healthily.
I completed several courses, set up a well-being business, and created Mindfulness, meditation and Positive Living classes, which I myself benefit from immensely.
I’m seeing that we all struggle. And in that struggle, we grow, we redirect and we connect.
Over four years ago, I entered into a relationship with a man who, without years of trying and deconditioning, is naturally in the flow of giving and receiving love. I watched and I learned.
In the process of feeling vulnerable, loving him and accepting his adoration, I slowly started to accept myself.
In the early days, I admitted to a Life Coach that losing Luis would be the worst thing that could happen to me. I now trust myself (and life) enough to see that I am enough.
A possible separation is just an experience. An imagination. An illusion. I don’t have to make it who I am.
I’ve also come to realise that, instead of rejecting myself by judging my feelings, I can feel my feelings and be okay. Better than okay.
I can allow my emotions to split me open in a tear-soaked surrender. An abandon. A scream: “Fuck it, I’m ready!” then “Please help me!”
And in the aftermath of the cracking and the softening, everything feels like it’s inside me- the passionate singer, the rain-streaked wind, a mug of tea, a warm embrace, my body moving, embers of laughter.
I’m energised and enthused. The world is throbbing with beauty and adventure.
My mind still questions, wants to understand the meaning of all of this- the universe and why we are here, how it all began.
But I’m willing to let go of the need to know and control everything. I can’t control anything anyway. What a relief and a blessed reclamation of energy.
Maybe there’s nothing to figure out after all. It simply is. I am. So enjoy the ride.
Now I’m detaching from all that I think I know, from my judgments, conditioning and expectations, from my loved ones, and from what I believe myself to be. And in the detaching, I set myself free. I set everyone free.
And that’s a scary place too. I worry about the ripple effects on my relationship.
But that’s me jumping back into the head. So I stay present to the present, to my feelings, to what life is offering me.
I open my heart and come alive.
In my honest reflections, I’ve observed a desire to cling to Mark and all that he can offer. I could do so many things with him, learn so much, become different, feel better, and travel to fascinating places.
But nobody can take me anywhere. It’s all within me. I have the power to take myself there. And there is nowhere to go.
So I unhook an attachment to Mark also. I’m floating solo yet more connected than ever.
Images: Google & Tinybuddha.com