Do you ever feel so bad about yourself that you can’t fathom that great things could happen? You don’t believe in yourself. You forget all the good that you do.
You close yourself off to all the love that surrounds you. You compare yourself unfavourably to others and see everyone else as confident, successful, flourishing…
You focus on the negatives. You spot rejection, failure and disappointment in every comment, action and imagination.
You push loved ones away then hate yourself more for doing so. For self-destructively banishing what you crave: love, care and affection.
They try to love you. They offer you acceptance. But deep down, you’re never going to measure up or be worthy of their naive loving of you.
You shut down the love. You silence the laughter. You dare not believe in your potential. It frightens you.
You sob. You cry. You let go. You open up. You let him in.
A smile breaks through. You can’t help but laugh. He’s so good.
He sees the best in you. You want to be that person. And one day, as you sip on a coffee in the afterglow of his presence, you realise that you are.
You are that bouncing, brave, beautiful person that he admires. But you block yourself.
You think thoughts and you believe them. You identify with the bad.
You stop dancing. You don’t feel the music. You forget who you are. You exist but you cease living.
While the real you simmers patiently beneath. Always there. Waiting for you to shake off the shackles and rejoin the dance.
Ready to roar in perfection. And smile and love and shine. And be free.
He loves you because finally you remember that you love you. You just don’t believe it.
Image: Author’s Own
Posted in Love, Personal development, Poetry, Positive Thinking, Random, Spirituality
Tagged acceptance, belief, beliefs, blocks, confidence, creativity, dance, depression, disappointment, emotions, existance, failure, faith, fear, feelings, focus, freedom, goodness, happiness, higher self, hope, hopelessness, inner soul, insights, letting go, life, life coaching, living, love, mindfulness, music, negative thinking, opening up, patience, personal development, personal growth, poetry, potential, presence, realisations, relationships, romance, sadness, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-hatred, self-love, soul, source, spirit, spirituality, strength, talent, thoughts, trust, unblocking, unconditional love, vulnerability, writing
I welcome the first day of summer by attending a yoga and music workshop with musician and yoga teacher Jack Harrison.
We lie down and begin with some breathing exercises. Jack strums his guitar, recites poetry and sings.
Then he takes us through a powerful yoga sequence. No music plays now. All we can hear are Jack’s instructions and our breath.
My breathing deepens. I feel strong, present and peaceful.
Afterwards, we sit in a circle and sing. For the most part, I close my eyes and really get into it.
Occasionally, I open my eyes and appreciate what’s in front of me. The fantastic Jack Harrison playing guitar. And a group of people joyously opening their hearts together in song.
Next, Jack suggests that we sing any tune we feel like.
“Dissonance is beautiful,” he insists.
“Some of us were told as children that we weren’t good singers. I was kicked out of the school choir when I was a boy,” he laughs.
“But singing is easy,” he says with a smile.
Many of us spend our lives trying to fit in and appear normal. We’re told how to live and what’s expected of us.
But today for a change, we’re being encouraged to be different. We’ve been given licence to sing our own song in a way that’s right for us in this special moment.
We start quietly and self-consciously. But before long, we become louder and more confident.
I realise that it’s much easier to sing in unison. It’s actually harder to be different. But I’m determined to find my own song.
I go with the feeling. I put judgment aside. I allow myself to be me.
Somewhere between dissonance, unison and harmony, I hear my own voice. Tears prickle behind my eyes. Jack’s right, it is beautiful.
Posted in Personal development, Spirituality
Tagged allowing, appreciation, beauty, beliefs, body, breathing, change, childhood, confidence, control, courage, determination, emotion, encouragement, expectations, fear, feelings, fitness, freedom, gratitude, guitar, jack harrison, judgment, letting go, love, mind, mindfulness, music, oneness, past, peace, personal development, personal growth, presence, pressure, self-acceptance, self-love, singing, society, song, soul, spirit, strength, summer, thoughts, unison, yoga
I decide to open up to a fellow holistic therapist about how I’m feeling. I tell her that nothing necessarily bad is happening to cause this feeling but that I sense its heaviness.
I’m choosing to carry it around and I’m not letting it go. I admit that I’m afraid, which makes me want to close down and not care in order to protect myself.
My friend instructs me to close my eyes and really get into the feeling of being scared. She tells me to allow it to grow and expand and fill my body.
I feel an energy in my chest and my stomach. It feels like fear then anger and then I relax. I open my eyes and relay this to her.
She asks if there’s any bad feeling left. I tell her there is. Sadness and grief. So I’m told to repeat the process of feeling and allowing the sadness.
I see the little girl inside of me. I feel what she’s feeling. But there’s a resistance within me. I don’t particularly want to go there now. Been there, done that.
Despite my current resistance, this year I’ve been loving myself more. When I feel bad, I remember not to reject myself. Because of this major personal breakthrough, I know that I’ll be okay.
My friend tells me that I’m repeating an old pattern. There really is nothing to be afraid of. I need to face my fear so that I can see that it’s just an illusion.
I already feel much better. This makes so much sense. I usually resist these bad feelings, fearing that they will control my life and affect how I behave, react and relate to others.
My friend reminds me that this is where my resistance lies. I don’t want these feelings. I’m trying to avoid certain behaviours. And I’m fearing the worst possible outcome.
“Stop resisting,” my friend insists.
“Allow the feeling to take you over. That will create a shift. A letting go. Which will open you up in wonderful ways.
Open your heart. Allow yourself to be hurt. And the funny thing is, you won’t be hurt. Because the real you can never be destroyed.”
She predicts that letting go of resistance and allowing the feelings to take me over will change everything. I won’t have to worry about what might happen, how I may react or the many ways I could self-destruct.
She also warns that just because I’ve now stopped pushing against the swing of resistance doesn’t mean that it will immediately cease moving.
“Once you stop pushing the swing, it will continue to move back and forth for a while. But it will be less forceful and it will gradually swing less and less,” she smiles.
I leave my friend’s house with an unfamiliar feeling in my chest. Is it pain? Discomfort?
I allow the feeling to grow and expand until I realise what it is. My heart is open. And that’s okay.
Posted in Love, Personal development, Spirituality
Tagged abandonment, acceptance, anger, behaviour, body, chakras, change, control, discomfort, emotion, expansion, fear, feelings, force, grief, growth, healing, health, heartbreak, holistic therapist, hurt, illusion, inner child, letting go, life, living, love, mind, mindfulness, open heart, openness, pain, past, patterns, personal development, personal growth, power, presence, present, reaction, rejection, relationships, relaxation, relief, resistance, romance, sadness, self-destruction, self-love, sharing, shift, soul, spirit, thoughts, worry