Do you ever feel so bad about yourself that you can’t fathom that great things could happen? You don’t believe in yourself. You forget all the good that you do.
You close yourself off to all the love that surrounds you. You compare yourself unfavourably to others and see everyone else as confident, successful, flourishing…
You focus on the negatives. You spot rejection, failure and disappointment in every comment, action and imagination.
You push loved ones away then hate yourself more for doing so. For self-destructively banishing what you crave: love, care and affection.
They try to love you. They offer you acceptance. But deep down, you’re never going to measure up or be worthy of their naive loving of you.
You shut down the love. You silence the laughter. You dare not believe in your potential. It frightens you.
You sob. You cry. You let go. You open up. You let him in.
A smile breaks through. You can’t help but laugh. He’s so good.
He sees the best in you. You want to be that person. And one day, as you sip on a coffee in the afterglow of his presence, you realise that you are.
You are that bouncing, brave, beautiful person that he admires. But you block yourself.
You think thoughts and you believe them. You identify with the bad.
You stop dancing. You don’t feel the music. You forget who you are. You exist but you cease living.
While the real you simmers patiently beneath. Always there. Waiting for you to shake off the shackles and rejoin the dance.
Ready to roar in perfection. And smile and love and shine. And be free.
He loves you because finally you remember that you love you. You just don’t believe it.
Image: Author’s Own
Posted in Love, Personal development, Poetry, Positive Thinking, Random, Spirituality
Tagged acceptance, belief, beliefs, blocks, confidence, creativity, dance, depression, disappointment, emotions, existance, failure, faith, fear, feelings, focus, freedom, goodness, happiness, higher self, hope, hopelessness, inner soul, insights, letting go, life, life coaching, living, love, mindfulness, music, negative thinking, opening up, patience, personal development, personal growth, poetry, potential, presence, realisations, relationships, romance, sadness, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-hatred, self-love, soul, source, spirit, spirituality, strength, talent, thoughts, trust, unblocking, unconditional love, vulnerability, writing
This morning, I sit in meditation for 10 minutes before turning my phone on. This is the norm for me but today I feel a pang of nervous anticipation at what my phone will do once I flick it back to life.
As I sit on the floor, it hits me. My phone is still off. I am yet to experience what it is I’m dreading/excited about but I am already feeling the anxiety.
I understand now that the crux of this issue is not what happens or doesn’t happen. What I’m actually afraid of is how I’ll feel after the event. It really has nothing to do with outside circumstances or other people. It’s all about me.
If all I’m scared of are my own feelings, well then I can manage that. I can choose to react in a way that is in my highest interest. I can tell myself many stories but that would just be fantasy.
Once I’m strong and centred in myself, what happens outside of me is not that important. The struggle always occurs within.
A person can curse and insult you. It’s what you believe about yourself that counts. Someone can ignore or reject you. You love and accept yourself no matter what. Somebody else can praise and adore you. If you’re insecure, you won’t even notice. And if a loved one snatches back their approval, you can crumble in despair or you can move forward with confidence.
Instead of waiting to see what happens, which will determine how I’m going to react, I can choose to simply be. I finish my mediation then swipe my phone into action. And I move forward with confidence.
Posted in Personal development
Tagged anxiety, approval, be, belief, confidence, emotion, fear, feelings, friendship, love, meditation, now, present, react, rejection, relationships, self-love, technology, thinking, thoughts
I was about to leave my family home this morning when I spotted a daddy-long-legs (crane fly) moving on the spare bed in my childhood bedroom. I’d first seen it on Saturday night. Half of its legs lay a couple of inches away from its body. I’d presumed it dead. But it had been suffering there for at least two days. I agonised over what to do.
The humane option would be to kill it, I thought. But why should I have the power to decide to end its life? If I lost a leg, I’d still have the will to live. I’d still have hope for my survival. But there were no other daddy-long-legs rushing to its rescue and there were no daddy-long-leg hospitals that I knew of. It would be easier to simply leave it there but who knew how long it would remain in pain before it eventually died. It was all alone. I brought my face close and inspected it. Did it have a chance? “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Lots of people don’t think twice about killing healthy insects. Mosquitoes, ants, even spiders. But I didn’t want to kill any living creature. Was that selfish of me? I would allow it to continue to writhe there because I didn’t want to feel bad. I was going to feel bad either way. If I believed in reincarnation, the daddy-long-legs wouldn’t die as such, it would simply move on to the next part of its journey. Maybe it would come back as something much better than a daddy-long-legs. Then again, who am I to judge what a good incarnation is? Oftentimes, being a human is so complicated that maybe living as a daddy-long-legs would be a relief.
I probably shouldn’t interfere with its fate, I pondered. Perhaps I could throw it out the window, let it back outdoors where it belonged. Although if I had just had my leg amputated, being thrown from a two-storey building would be my very last preference. If I squished it, would that be a sin? Surely not if I believed I was doing the right thing.
Eventually, I scooped it up in a piece of tissue and killed it. It was difficult but, once I decided to do it, I did it quick. I brought it to the bathroom, flushed it down the toilet, then sat on the edge of the bath and cried. I have no idea if I made the correct choice. I’m sorry, little guy. I really am.
Posted in Spirituality
Tagged afterlife, agony, animals, belief, choice, crane fly, daddy-long-legs, emotion, euthanasia, fate, forgiveness, guilt, heaven, humanity, killing, kindness, life, murder, pain, power, reincarnation, right and wrong, sadness, selfish, selfless, sin, spirituality, suffering
This week has been a trying one. I got sick, I didn’t get a call I’d been waiting for, the buzzer for the parking gate stopped working just as a guest was pulling in, and I ran into an ex who was clearly trying to avoid me and who I today discovered has removed me as a friend on Facebook. I wanted to cry with frustration and anger and disappointment. My mind wanted to start telling me: Life is shit. You’ve been disappointed before. Of course that’ll never happen. You’ll never find romantic love or wealth or success.
However, I understand the power of our thoughts and of the spoken word. I pulled out Florence Scovel-Shinn’s book The Game of Life & How to Play It: Winning Rules for Success & Happiness. Amazingly (or not, depending on how you feel about synchronicity), the chapter I opened the book on was called The Power of the Word! She wrote:
“I know, in my own case, it took a long while to get out of a belief that a certain thing brought disappointment. If the thing happened, disappointment invariably followed. The only way I could make a change in the subconscious, was by asserting, ‘There are not two powers, there is only one power, God, therefore, there are no disappointments, and this thing means a happy surprise.’ I noticed a change at once, and happy surprises commenced coming my way.”
I settled back in the armchair and saw an image of a river. This river is on a journey. It has a source and a destination. You don’t tell the river: “You haven’t reached your destination yet so you’re no good.” No, you just look at it and it is a river. It simply is. It plays with the fish and the children and the loved-up couples. It sparkles in the sunshine. And when it rains, it becomes one with the rainfall. When it comes up against a jagged rock, it laps around it. Its power is in its non-resistance.
But what if I tried to control that river? If I cupped part of it in my hands and wanted that piece just for me? I would be interrupting the natural flow of the river and, soon, it would all have trickled through my fingers and the river would keep on running regardless. Wouldn’t it be more fun to jump into the river and splash about and allow it to carry me along for a while? I could hop in and out whenever I chose. And, all the while, the river would be there, ever-moving, ever-changing, ever-flowing.
So, instead of telling myself that I should feel disappointed, rejected, less than, or angry because this happened and that didn’t and he didn’t behave the way I wanted him to, I could simply accept that everything was unfolding exactly as it should be. That so-and-so wasn’t for me. That better things are coming my way. That I already have love and wealth and success. That I am all of those things. How am I to know what’s for my highest good anyway? I could even be limiting myself! I just have to trust and be patient and enjoy the currents and ripples of life. It feels good to let go.
Posted in Love, Personal development, Spirituality
Tagged anger, belief, disappointment, facebook, florence scovel-shinn, flow, frustration, god, highest good, journey, letting go, life, limitations, love, non-resistence, power, river, romance, success, surprise, synchronicity, the game of life & how to play it, trust, water, wealth, word
Today, I had a very interesting conversation about good and evil. One woman stated: “Of course evil exists if good exists. Everything has its polarity.”
I’ve been told before that I only see the good in people and that I need to live in the “real” world. Despite this, I said: “I realise that without darkness, there can be no light. But ultimately, and beyond all that, I feel that love and light prevail. And everything is part of that Divine Oneness.” Somebody else piped up: “Yes, duality only comes into play when the human mind perceives it.”
Deep, I know! I went home in a bit of a daze. I knew I had to sit with this and feel what was right for me. I went to bed with a copy of the Tao Te Ching and randomly opened a page. I was amazed to read the following words:
“Recognise beauty and ugliness is born. Recognise good and evil is born. Is and isn’t produce each other. Hard depends on easy, Long is tested by short, High is determined by low, Sound is harmonised by voice, After is followed by before.”
It is only in defining something that its opposite arises. I felt very tired. I switched off the light, pulled back the curtains and gazed up at the night. “What is the truth,” I asked the crescent-shaped moon. The clouds moved across the sky, part shadow, part light. Suddenly, a large black cloud completely covered the moon. It was as though the darkness had banished the light.
The truth, according to my human eye, was that the shadow had overridden the light. Yet I knew that the moon had not gone anywhere. It still was. I also knew that, although it only appeared to be a sliver of its full self, the moon never actually diminished in size. It was always there in its entirety. And I knew that it was the brightest object in the sky, after the sun, even though its surface was actually very dark, with a similar reflectance to coal.
The dark cloud moved on and the light shone down. The moon said nothing. It simply was. And I no longer needed to be answered.
Posted in Spirituality
Tagged bad, belief, confusion, darkness, evil, good, life, light, moon, polarity, questions, tao te ching, truth
What if I told you that you are safe? That you are perfectly supported by the Universe. What if I told you that your essence is eternal? That you and nature and everyone around you are connected. That you all come from the same source.
What if I told you that your natural state is one of peace, love and happiness? That abundance is right there for you if you would just ask for it and believe that you deserve it. What if I told you that you are perfect? That you are energy flowing from and towards and with God. What if I told you that everything is happening for a reason? For you to learn. For you to get to know your self.
Would you resist these words and choose to believe that to live means to struggle and to suffer; to feel insecure, angry, afraid and alone? Or would you realise that these are the only truths we need to know so that we can create peace, connection and total love? So that we can experience and enjoy the beauty and light and radiance of simply being.
Posted in Love, Spirituality
Tagged abundance, anger, beauty, being, belief, connection, difficulties, energy, essence, eternal, experience, fear, flow, god, happiness, knowledge, light, loneliness, love, nature, peace, soul, source, struggle, suffering, truth, universe