There is always something to think, to worry about, to get angry over. Always some drama, a problem to figure out, a decision to make.
With this realisation, I detach, let go, and travel within. The thoughts form and dissolve. The movie of my life still plays on. But I turn down the volume and focus within.
I connect with a deep sense of peace, a groundedness. I listen. I breathe.
Like a novice snorkeller in a world of underwater magic. Astonished by the beauty. Yet all I can hear is my breathing.
I could be lifted from this peace and wonder by an unconscious wandering to wherever my thoughts whimsically transport me. Or I could choose, moment by moment, to return to the present and to appreciate what’s before me, what’s part of me, what I really am.
A slice of this miracle of life presents itself to me. I come to my senses. I savour in the deliciousness of it all. I’m nourished. Whole.
No fear any more. Really. Although there’s still fear, insecurity, discomfort, dangling into the chasm of the unknown.
A lifetime of clinging and scrambling. Dictatorially and unintelligently controlling. Resisting, closing, lashing out against the emotions and the people who triggered me.
Now, I make a different choice. I lean in. Allow. Listen. And with that, comes relief. Learning. Growth. Strength.
I am a warrior in my courage to feel, to be, to connect with others, even though I could be wounded at any moment.
I shrug off my armour and lay down my shield. I no longer point my sword threateningly at the sky. I bare my heart to the heavens.
I have never seen a warrior so vulnerable. Yet she closes her eyes just to feel the sunlight on her skin.
Nature congratulates her with pink and white blossoms, yellows and purples and oranges. Trees reveal themselves to her. Birdsong replaces her soundtrack of doubt. The universe is full.
Her body now free to embrace those she loves. And that has to be everyone. Everything. Herself. Myself. My movie and my constantly altering reviews and reactions.
I drop judgment. I wince at the pain of unhooking attachments.
With loss, there’s lightness. An opening, a flow. A current of love. A deep-seated peace.
I go within and feel calm. I open so that I can live.
I feel a tingling of love wash over me. I understand. I know. I connect.
As soon as I see clearly, my goggles fog over again. For it goes beyond my limited ways of words, analysis and explanation.
It just is. As I am. And I will remember again and again.
betterthansurviving 