In order to wind down for the evening, I stick on an episode of The Mentalist. After about five minutes, I switch it off. I sigh. There’s nothing happening on Facebook. Nobody’s texting me. I don’t feel like reading. I self-diagnose “boredom”.
I take out my iPod, turn off the light and lie there listening to a Sleepy Time playlist I compiled a few years ago. A recent conversation with a friend comes to mind. She spoke about feeling that she has to be doing all the time. When she’s doing nothing, she gets into a bad mood. “Why can’t I just be,” she asks rhetorically.
I become aware that, right now, there is a need in me for excitement. I’m not being present. I’m wishing and longing for action, for something more. With this realisation, comes a feeling of space and acceptance and gratitude for what I do have.
I notice the beauty of this moment. The darkness of the room. The feeling of the bed beneath me. The lamplight pooling underneath the curtains. The music with its keening harmonica and evocative expression of passion. And the energy that I feel coursing through my body.
I don’t have to wait for something big to happen so that I can relish the moment. Every single moment is an opportunity to be present to it, to welcome it, to expand into it, and to be all that I am.
Posted in Personal development
Tagged acceptance, action, awake, awareness, beauty, being, body, boredom, doing, emotions, energy, evocative, excitement, expansion, expression, facebook, feelings, friendship, growth, insight, insomnia, longing, love, mindfulness, moods, music, needs, negativity, night, now, passion, positivity, present, realisation, relationships, sleep, space, technology, the mentalist, thinking, thoughts
I didn’t sleep much last night and, today, I mustered up the courage to bring up a difficult conversation with a loved one. My chest is heavy and I feel like I need more air. That or a good cry. A 12-hour uninterrupted snoozefest wouldn’t go astray either.
I have a Pilates class in 30 minutes. I crawl into bed and set the alarm. But I feel terrible and I can’t relax. Then it dawns on me. I have choices. I ask myself what I’d really like to do.
Yes, I’ve paid for this course and I may miss some new moves. But tonight, I’m allowing my own voice to rise above the roar of the shoulds and the musts and the expectations.
With my decision made, I snuggle deeper into my freshly made bed. I leave the curtains open and gaze out at a single shimmering star in the October sky. I listen to the sound of dogs barking at the ubiquitous pre-Hallowe’en bangers and I smile.
Soon, I shall ease myself into a steaming bubble bath, my favourite music on the stereo. And later, I’ll curl up behind the pages of an Ethan Hawke novel.
My body is grateful. I can breathe again.
Posted in Love, Personal development
Tagged ash wednesday, bangers, bath, body, books, courage, enjoyment, ethan hawke, hallowe'en, love, music, night, october, pilates, reading, self-acceptance, self-love, sleep, star, stars, tiredness
I am getting ready to go to bed when I am struck by the view outside. I open the window, inhale the night air and gaze at the awesome sky.
A sprinkling of stars beam down at me, some glowing brighter than others, all sitting quietly, brilliantly, in the silent sky above me. Their presence both humbles and reassures me.
How could I ever question or take for granted the miracle of the universe when these billion year old luminous spheres dazzle me with their presence?