We spend far too much time in our heads – worrying, remembering, giving out to ourselves, complaining… Imagine how much energy we waste on our thoughts… Do we really need them? Could we go on without them? Picture how free we would be if we cut most of them out…
"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time." Charlie Brown
It’s extremely difficult to break the habits of a lifetime but it is possible and so worth it. Everybody’s got to start somewhere. So, here are a few simple exercises that you can try right here, right now…
1. Close your eyes and really feel what it is that you’re feeling. If you’re anxious, find out where that anxiety is. What parts of your body are affected? Give it a colour, a shape. Allow it to expand. There is nothing to fear. When we move out of our thoughts and into our feelings, we take a huge step towards being present.
2. If you’re experiencing pain somewhere in your body, don’t run away from it. It’s trying to tell you something – that you need to take a rest, slow down, make a change… Give the pain a name. Describe how it feels. I know it’s “sore” but what else? What’s the first thing that pops into your head? Homeopaths find the most effective remedies when people describe their symptoms in peculiar ways as it really narrows down the search (there are thousands of remedies). Is the pain digging or dragging, stabbing or burning? Does it feel like tiny needles or grains of sand? Is it hammering or pulsating? When you acknowledge the pain and allow it to express itself to you, it may shift or alter or even disappear completely.
3. I found this next exercise in Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now…
“Close your eyes and say to yourself: ‘I wonder what my next thought is going to be.’ Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. Be like a cat watching a mouse hole. What thought is going to come out of the mouse hole? Try it now.”
How long did it take before a thought came in? Are you amazed at how quickly one invades your mind? Did you notice the gap in thinking – the stillness, the “state of intense presence”? Wasn’t that nice? Do you want more of it? Don’t worry, you don’t have to force anything. The more aware you are, the wider the gaps will become.
Being present is being aware. Of what you’re experiencing right now. Not what you think about it or what you think you should do about it. But what simply is. It’s so simple, in fact, that we dismiss it for that very reason.
"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." James Thurber
Let me ask you a question. Do you think it is okay to be angry and impatient with a baby for just lying around all day? For not learning to walk or talk quick enough? She doesn’t offer the world anything of value. She isn’t the director of a successful company or the top student in her class. She isn’t a world-class athlete, a wonderful cook, a loving parent, or a talented professional. She chews on things, gurgles and cries. She observes life with awe. She just is. Why shouldn’t I be angry and impatient with her? She hasn’t done anything to deserve my love!
You probably think that’s crazy talk. Of course you should love a baby! Just because! Now, how about turning some of that unconditional love towards yourself? You are okay. You are magic and magnificence. You are okay even when you do nothing. When you just are. Like an infant, who is perfect in the simplicity of their presence. However, from the moment you learned to do, you’ve been expected to continue doing, and you will keep on doing until you leave your body through death. What a relief!
We are led to believe that our bodies, our actions, and our achievements are more important than our souls. It is more acceptable to constantly work and push ourselves, to endlessly strive for perfection, for more and for better, than to accept ourselves exactly as we are. We have fallen into the trap of believing that we are our work, our relationships, our abilities. However, if any of these self-constructed identities are whipped from us, if we become sick or unmotivated or depressed, if we suffer a loss or a bereavement, and we are no longer strong enough to live up to our self-imposed potential, we feel worthless. We are nothing.
But let me tell you something. It takes a much, much stronger person to be able to do nothing and to still love and accept themselves. To think enough of themselves to value their own health, happiness, and sanity, and to allow themselves to rest, to heal, and to nurture their injured spirits.
I am writing this blog because it’s helping me to make sense of all of this. It’s enabling my own growth and development. And, ideally, some of what I’m writing will register with you too. But though I grasp these insights and spill them onto this page, it’s very easy to lose sight of them. It’s like trying to bottle a cloud or a warm summer breeze. I know it’s there and what it looks and feels like, but I have to experience it again and again before it can become part of me.
I am not what others think of me. This is something I still struggle with. I catch myself when I glow with pride at a compliment or shrink with shame when I’ve been criticised. I am also beginning to understand that the writing that I so love and enjoy is not my worth. Otherwise, it will no longer come from the heart. It will become just another distraction, another addiction to that drug of approval. A number of hits on my page or a handful of praise from friends and colleagues does not make me who I am. My ability to write is not why anybody should love me, and it’s certainly not why I should love myself. It is not why I deserve my space on this planet. The fact that I am here is reason enough.
I have had these realisations before but, like the morning dew on the petal of a flower, they evaporate all too quickly. So, this morning, when I really sat still with them and didn’t run from them, I thought my world was crashing around my ears. I am okay, exactly as I am. I felt totally lost in the forest of my confusion. Where does that leave me? What do I do? How can I just be? I don’t think I can love myself just because… I made eye contact with this panicked stranger in the mirror and cried like the child I had never allowed myself to be.
“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.” Marianne Williamson
You are okay just as you are. You are not your appearance or your talents or your work. You are not your role as mother or teacher or husband or healer. You are simply you. Unique and beautiful and miraculous. But none of this will mean anything until you’re strong enough to love yourself unconditionally. And when you reach that point, the power and light within you will be glorious.
From the colourful spectrum of human emotions, guilt is one of the darkest, most uncomfortable, and most destructive. Guilt sneaks up on you like the ghost of an uneasy dream but you’ll sense its presence in the way your chest flounders beneath its heavy weight.
Much like worry, guilt is a pretty superfluous emotion. Maybe it’ll stop you from performing a certain guilt-inducing activity again but, more than likely, like some masochistic idiot, you will do these things again, thus welcoming guilt back into your life like a bittersweet drug habit. Guilt sure makes you feel bad but it doesn’t stop you from snapping at your loved ones, reaching for that large bag of Maltesers, or, instead of going to college, lounging in your pyjamas all day as you consume an entire season of Grey’s Anatomy.
“Unhealthy guilt is an autoimmune disease of the soul that causes us to literally reject our own worth as human beings.” Joan Borysenko
Guilt is a sticky subject. Should we discuss how to deal with guilt or should we simply avoid the activities that lead to this unwelcome emotion? If you have a propensity towards feeling guilty, then most anything you do will cause you some level of this ugly emotion. So, when guilt comes knocking at your door, here’s what to do:
1) Don’t punish yourself further
Okay, so you cheated on your partner/skipped class/ate all the pies/drank too much, but this awful feeling should be enough punishment. Guilt affects you physically and robs you of any enjoyment. You have two options: you can decide never to do these things again, or you can accept that what’s done is done and that feeling guilty about it isn’t going to change anything. So, make peace with yourself and with anyone you may have hurt along the way.
2) Accept it
Accept that this is how you’re feeling right now. It will pass. Don’t fight it or it will tighten its grasp over you. If you stand still with it, you’ll simply slip out of its clutches, relatively unharmed.
3) Don’t run from it
Confront this cunning emotion head on. As it sprays you with its familiar but overpowering perfume, inhale it. Pick out the individual scents and explore how they make you feel. If you do this, you’ll be able to work out why you’re feeling this way and what you can do about it.
4) Question it
Now’s the time to interrogate this crafty mofo. Why are you here? What do you want from me? More than likely, it’ll give you the info you’re seeking. And then you can throw it by the wayside. If you cheated on your beautiful, caring wife, ask yourself why. If you can’t stop your late night bingeing, consider the emotions you’re trying to bury. If you continue with your Call of Duty marathons instead of attending class, maybe this course isn’t for you. Or maybe you can’t get over the label of “lazy so-and-so” your mother attached to you. Or you’re terrified of failure. The only reason we feel bad is to direct us towards change. But it’s too easy to get stuck in the emotion. So, allow it to wash over you, then ask why it’s there.
5) Ignore it
If, after accepting and questioning it, the guilt still persists, ignore it. Like an attention-seeking toddler, it just wants you to fuss over it. But if you ignore it, it’ll get bored, stop its fake wails, and move on to some other poor sucker.
Guilt is one of those bad feelings that will eat away at your insides if you allow it to do so. If you dwell on the “shoulds” or “shouldn’t haves”, you’re just feeding it, giving it more energy, and allowing it to grow. Treat guilt like an important but annoying visitor. Be polite, hand it a cuppa, and chat to it for a while, but if you make the mistake of offering it a meal, a bed, and your undivided attention, no wonder it’s not going to want to leave.
Guilt doesn’t have to be useless. Use it to learn more about yourself. It’s only when you dwell on the guilt that it’ll immobilise you. And recognise when you’re feeling guilty over something that’s not worth worrying about. Don’t take life so seriously. Give yourself permission to indulge in your guilty pleasures. Just don’t wallow in the guilt.
Lady Gaga music videos are just one of my guilty pleasures:
We are a society obsessed with doing. If we’re not constantly working, achieving, and succeeding, then we’re not happy. We believe that we only deserve to rest after a gruelling day in the office, after we’ve been to the gym, and completed our evening classes. It is not okay to be still.
An example of our fear of stillness is that much dreaded “awkward silence” that we so studiously avoid. We think it means that we’re not getting on with the person, that we’re not suited as a couple, that the other person is boring, or even worse, they’ll think we’re boring.
We stave off stillness by making sure we’re in the company of others at every possible moment. And if we’re alone when we go for a walk or jog, we have the iPod buds firmly placed in our ears. We flick radio channels as we drive. We watch television or read until our eyes are falling shut at night. Stillness makes us uncomfortable as it may lead to reflection, to feelings, to questioning and to doubt. We don’t allow ourselves to have an individual thought outside of the media’s collective mindset. We have the same opinions as Ray D’Arcy. We want to resemble the newest neighbour on “Desperate Housewives”. We fear what “RTÉ News” wants us to fear.
Everything must be fast and bright and convenient. If a webpage takes too long to load, we reach for the mobile to send a text. We run to make tea during the ad break. We do the ironing as our children tell us about their day. We eat to suppress the feared emotions that stillness might awaken.
I’m a prime example of someone who isn’t happy with myself unless I’m doing. I listen to the radio as I walk or prepare a meal. When I’m at home, I’m usually online. If my phone doesn’t beep for a while, I feel lonely. Duvet days fill me with self-loathing. I’m constantly doing, doing, doing until the moment I drop off to sleep. It’s only recently that I’ve come to this understanding, this awareness of how hard I am on myself. Yes, I still want to do. But I also want to be able to just be. And it’s how I react to myself when I’m not doing that I’m working on changing.
Why change it, you might ask? It’s good to be doing, to keep busy, to be the best you can be. But sometimes stillness forces itself upon us in the form of illness, or a traffic jam, or a snow storm. We panic. How can we survive being still? Are we no longer acceptable if we’re not doing? Are we worthless somehow? Take note of the next time you’re flung into stillness, how you react, and how much you learn from it.
As Eckhart Tolle pointed out, this fear of simply “being” instead of always “doing” is partly why we don’t want to grow older. We can’t accept ourselves as valid human beings unless we’re always “doing”. We often don’t value the wisdom of the elderly as they, deservedly, sit back and muse on life. We are called “human beings” not “human doings”. So why do we find it so hard to just be?
Stillness isn’t something to get through as quickly as possible. Stillness is something we should be seeking out regularly. Our bodies need time to rejuvenate. Our minds need time to switch off.
Here are some ways to experience the wonder of stillness:
1) Live in the present moment
Living in the past brings on feelings of regret, sadness and longing. Living in the future creates pangs of apprehension and worry. It is when you relax into the stillness of the present moment that you can truly be yourself, and be at peace. Observe what is around you, feel the warmth or coolness of the air, inhale the perfume of the present moment.
2) Meditate
Meditation is an excellent method of transporting you to the stillness within yourself. Meditation expands your mind and awakens your inner power. If meditation is too big a step for you right now, try yoga or Pilates, or simply sit and take a couple of deep breaths. Just give yourself a few moments a day to be still. Here’s a relaxing Buddhist Meditation clip…
3) Be quiet
It’s very hard to be still when there’s constant music or radio chatter in your ear. The next time you’re going for a walk in the countryside, take out your ear phones for even just a few minutes. Listen to the sound of the running river, of the singing birds. Stop your power walk to inhale the scent of the yellow furze, to inspect the colour and shape of the berries, to look up at the amazing blue sky. Close your eyes and feel the sunbeams dance across your cheeks.
4) Change routine
Instead of watching TV, reading or listening to music any time you’re not busy with work or with other people, take a moment to be still with yourself. Ask yourself how you’re feeling instead of running from such a supposedly scary scenario. Maybe your body’s been screaming at you that it’s exhausted, stressed, or sad but you’ve been too busy doing, and life has been too loud for you to hear it. If you take time to enjoy stillness every day, you’ll prevent yourself from getting sick. From staying too long in an unhappy relationship or soul-destroying job. When you’re more in tune with your body’s needs, you’re guaranteed to experience a much happier and healthier version of yourself.
5) Go with it
The next time you’re feeling tired or unwell, go with it. Your body is very clever. If you would only listen to it once in a while, it would tell you all you need to know. “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, “This doesn’t feel right”. If you’re lacking motivation, don’t give out to yourself for being lazy. Your body may just need to rest. Don’t beat yourself up about going for a nap in the middle of the day or missing work or a class here and there. The sooner you embrace the stillness, the more invigorated you’ll become afterwards. You will find that you’re much more creative, energetic, and positive as a result.
Stillness is probably the least talked about self-help tool even though it brings about health, inner calm and positivity. Stillness will remove you from the madness of society and place you in a higher, more peaceful realm. Stillness will set you free.
Being outdoors in nature, personal development, spirituality, teaching, yoga, friends & family, sunshine, good conversation, writing, a good cuppa, swimming in the sea, books, adventure, travel, learning, laughter, fun, good food, bear hugs…
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sharon Vogiatzi and betterthansurviving with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
betterthansurviving 