Lately, I’ve been feeling disappointed and annoyed by certain things people have been doing or not doing. Like when someone doesn’t reply to an email. Or when a person is quite cold in a text message or doesn’t wish you luck for a significant event or never enquires as to how your course/work/love life is going.
There are several things I can tell myself:
- It’s their stuff so don’t take it personally.
- There could be many reasons as to why they did or didn’t do these things so don’t assume the worst.
- Let them know how you’re feeling, express yourself with maturity, and ask the right questions.
- Forget about it.
- Don’t have expectations so you won’t be let down.
- Accept these people as they are and stop wanting things to be different.
- Find other people who are able to give you what you’re looking for.
All of the above are valid and useful. I know all that. But my innocent inner child wants us all to get along. My soul wants to believe in a better world. I wish people could just be nice. I don’t want to feel this way.
As I get ready for bed tonight, I reflect on the type of interactions I have with people who don’t appear as loving as I would like. I realise that, when I find someone particularly cold, I withdraw. I text back without my usual cheeriness and warmth. Perhaps it’s a protective mechanism.
I think some more about the individuals who don’t tend to give out love. I wonder if these people have ever received much love in the first place. How can you give what you don’t understand? And so, all their lives, it’s possible that they never really experience love.
And if I, a mostly warm and affectionate person, withdraw my warmth and affection in reaction to their lack of love-giving, how many others do the same? Perhaps, these people don’t receive much love at all. And so the cycle continues.
I am reminded of a Swedish proverb now: “Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.” And suddenly I am swept back in a memory to a time many years ago…
I am in serious emotional pain. A loved one moves to embrace me. I wince and withdraw. I do not want her affection. I cannot be touched. She reaches forward anyway and holds me. And I break down.
I realise that this was exactly what I needed. I wasn’t loving myself so I believed that I wasn’t worthy of loving. This woman loved me regardless. And so began my journey of self-love.
Tonight, I am deciding not to alter the potency of my love depending on who’s the recipient. The dosage of my love shouldn’t change in correlation with the percentage of the other person’s love. Love is not a currency or a punishment or a condition. Love is free and pure and unconditional.
Dear readers, I am sending you my love tonight. My undiluted, unconditional, brimming, beaming love. I hope you know how loved you are. And I wish you a life full of the joy, comfort and belonging of love.
Posted in Love, Spirituality
Tagged acceptance, affection, anger, assumptions, belonging, comfort, disappointment, emotion, expectations, expression, family, friends, humanity, hurt, inner child, journey, joy, living, love, love me when i least deserve it because that's when i really need it, maturity, pain, protective mechanism, readers, self-love, self-worth, society, soul, swedish proverb, unconditional love, world
I am getting ready to go to bed when I am struck by the view outside. I open the window, inhale the night air and gaze at the awesome sky.
A sprinkling of stars beam down at me, some glowing brighter than others, all sitting quietly, brilliantly, in the silent sky above me. Their presence both humbles and reassures me.
How could I ever question or take for granted the miracle of the universe when these billion year old luminous spheres dazzle me with their presence?
Once upon an evening, I was getting ready to meet a guy for the first time. I sent him a message: “Are you there? Just leaving my place now.” He responded: “No. Is it tonight? I forgot.” I took off my jacket and heels and flopped onto my bed. I can’t believe this is happening to me, I thought, in utter shock. Not so much as an apology or a “Be right there” or even a promise to reschedule. He must be the kind of guy who likes making dates and not showing up. He must enjoy making women feel bad. Aw man, now I’m gonna have to make dinner. I was just about to phone a friend when a text came through: “Just kidding. I’m here.” And then another: “I was only joking! I’m here.” I replied: “Okay… That wasn’t a very funny joke!” I slipped back on the heels and jacket and approached the date with apprehension.
It ended up being a lovely evening and he was a total gentleman. He told me that he’d planned on sending me a message straight after his not-so-hilarious first but his phone had gone dead. He had to wait for it to switch back on before he could send the text. He realised that it appeared cruel. The point is, for several minutes, I believed that I had been stood up. I assumed that this guy was weird and masochistic. And I thought I was being treated very badly. That wasn’t the reality of the situation but, for those few moments, it became my reality.
Buddha said: “With our thoughts, we make our world.” What’s real for me is whatever thoughts I’m thinking. I’m sure a lot of other women would have presumed the same as me. It was there in the black and white of a text message after all. But it was just a massive sign for me to see that my reality is what I make it. With that kind of power, I’d better make it a good one.
Posted in Positive Thinking
Tagged being stood up, buddha, dating, first date, love, power of the mind, reality, relationships, shock, thoughts, world
I met someone at a festival recently, who made a few interesting observations about what it is to be human. As we walked by groups of animated festival-goers, he remarked: “Everybody here has paid money just to be around other people. Humans love being near other humans.” As we passed strings of coloured fairy lights, he added: “Humans are always drawn to the light.” He then urged me to scream: “I’m alive!” We both did, like an aural, two-man Mexican wave: “I’m alive! I’m alive!” Each declaration stirred the life inside me. “It’s true,” I thought. “I am alive.”
A week later, as I drove towards my home town, a great tune came on the radio. I’d love to be on a night out so I could go mad to this song, I wished. Then, I reminded myself that there’s no time like the present. So I howled at the moon and fist-pumped at the oncoming traffic.
And just tonight, as I lie in bed, the wind whipping outside, I grasp a whisper of that evasive peace I felt as I listened to the nocturnal sound of the sea once upon a time in Utila, in Antiparos, in Ballyferriter. I can have that peace right here, right now, I decide with a smile.
Really living doesn’t have to be reserved for the weekends or when you’re drunk or high or on holiday. Each breath is a reminder of the life that courses through you. Your life is a wonderful, miraculous gift. You can enjoy every single moment. Every slurp of tea. Every unexpected chuckle. Every splash of colour. Every chord, caress, aroma and flavour.
You know that you’re alive when your body bounces to a beat, arches into a kiss, nuzzles into slumber, twitches in a dream. You know that you’re human when you shed hot tears of rejection and loss. When your insides glow at a compliment or a pleasant exchange. When you feel the excitement of a flirtation or the nervousness of a new challenge. And you know that there’s more than all this when you feel that magical intimacy with another human being and the world opens just a fraction wider to accommodate the growth of the budding bond that you share.
You feel how spectacular the world is with every glimpse of the sky, the clouds, the trees. With every field, flower, and blade of grass. With the wind that keens and moves amongst it all. With every breath that revives you and moves you… Allow yourself to be moved.
Posted in Spirituality
Tagged breath, colour, connection, dance, enjoyment, experience, festivals, gift, here, holiday, human beings, intimacy, joy, life, light, loss, love, miracle, music, nature, now, passion, peace, present, rejection, relationships, soul, spirit, vacation, wonder, world