Are you fed up of listening to your inner critic? Well, I’m bloody exhausted! I’ve finally had enough of its negative chat so I’m determinedly defriending this dedicated demon.
Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’ll take it for a nice little drive… before abandoning it in the middle of nowhere. Yes, it’ll command me to come back, leaving dozens of pleading (and threatening) voice mails… I’ve got nowhere else to go! Who’s gonna talk to you 24/7? You’re nothing without me! I will hunt you down! But without me to collect it or pick up its calls, this inner critic will have to give up. All it wants is constant attention. If I ignore it, it will simply lose interest in me.
It will be awfully quiet without this lifelong leech but the only one who’ll really miss it is my ego. And one day, when I’m brave enough, I’ll ditch that cunning so-and-so too. Those two deserve each other! I’ll no longer be part of that unhealthy three-way. And when our paths cross again, as I stroll arm-in-arm with my new-found freedom, I’ll greet them with a very friendly middle finger salute. Then walk away.
I was listening to Scala & Kolacny Brothers’ take on The Blower’s Daughterthis evening when I was reminded of a Norwegian guy who’d raved about a Damien Rice performance. The gig had taken place at Traena festival 2008 in a cave on a tiny island in the north of Norway. My friend hadn’t been afraid to admit that Mr Rice had reduced him to tears. I attended this festival in 2009 but nothing could live up to Damien Rice’s haunting vocals, which were perfectly enhanced by the cave’s excellent acoustics.
I came across this YouTube clip of Rootless Tree tonight and simply had to share it with y’all. If you can get over the brightness of the video (close your eyes if you must) and the cursing chorus (that’s actually the part I love the most), you’ll get why even the strong Viking folk were crying. If only we could all express the thunderstorm of emotions that follow a tumultuous break up with such talent and passion…
"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby." Langston Hughes
It’s raining. And the forecast is for much more of it. With gale force winds. We’re all still a bit raw from the recent flooding in Ireland, which took the lives of a woman and a brave young policeman. So naturally, the news of more of the above may put a lot of people in bad form. Harsh weather conditions remind us of those unfortunate enough to be living on the streets. It gives greater meaning to the folk protesting with the #Occupy movement. And it makes us appreciate having four walls and a roof over our heads that much more.
However, rain can also be beautiful. It is necessary for the growth of crops and plants and pretty flowers. Swimming in the ocean as the sky opens is one of the most magical of moments… And the sound of rainfall can be extremely relaxing. Its tune acts as soothing background music as you play cards with a loved one in a caravan… The sky darkens ominously and makes it okay to stay indoors. There is nothing cosier than an evening by the fire as the winds whistle aggressively and the rain beats down outside… I know what I’m doing later…
We spend enough time being the worker/parent/student/householder. So why spend the rest of our time torturing ourselves? Doing the things we think we should be doing. Being the person we think we should be. It’s time to throw the shoulds out with the dirty bath water and embrace the coulds and want tos and feel likes.
How many of you hide parts of yourself from the outside world because you’re afraid of being rejected, ridiculed, written off for being crazy?
It’s okay to be weird. To stray from what’s supposed to be normal. And the sooner we admit our quirks to ourselves, the sooner we can bravely show off our authentic selves to the outside world. It just takes one of us to begin flashing our true colours loudly and unashamedly. Soon enough, those around us will become fed up of falseness and find freedom much more exciting.
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
Your neighbour doesn’t call to your house when she’s in the middle of a no-makeup, Sex & The City marathon, duvet day. Your co-worker doesn’t shuffle out of his suit to show you the David Bowie tattoo on his backside. The townsfolk don’t come to the pub when they’re greasy-haired and spotty. And if they do, GOOD FOR THEM!
Most people face the world with their best (more controlled) side out. That’s why when we feel shitty, we presume that we’re the only ones who cry into our cereal, who want to stay indoors all weekend, who clap along to the X Factor, who fantasise about punching our exes in the face. And those who do engage the outside world, with their flaws evident, are often seen as mad. Think of human beings as T-shirts. Most of us are cool or colourful or at least freshly ironed. But the ones who are brutally honest and admit to feeling lousy or who shout at passers-by as they smack themselves across the head are T-shirts too. They’re just inside out.
When I’m anxious, I bite the skin on my lips and fingertips but I try not to do it in public because someone once said it made me look retarded. I wailed on the stairs when my ex left me but I held it together when I met my best friend for coffee later that afternoon. I stuff more Pringles than I’m hungry for into my face when I’m alone but I resist a second chocolate biccie when I’m in company.
Of course, most people want to be seen as disciplined, energetic, intelligent, forgiving. So we mask the silly side and the shallow side and the angry side and the depressed side. Well, I think that’s boring.
Just be yourself. Your whole, wonderful, wacky self. Because when you allow yourself to be just that, you can finally open up to the right friends and potential partners for you. And you will be giving license to those around you to unleash their inner uniqueness too.
So, here goes. This is me in all my glory. Sometimes, I like to meditate. Other times, I’d rather shout along to my newest downloads. Sometimes, I think logically and can see the bigger picture. Other times, I imagine breaking cups in frustration as I cry big baby tears of hurt and sadness. Sometimes, I decide to watch documentaries on the economic crisis. Other times, I’d rather escape my reality by losing myself in reality TV. Sometimes, I’m sociable. Other times, I feel fat and ugly and tired and lazy so I don’t even get dressed. Sometimes, I read books on spirituality. Other times, I simply curl up with a cup of tea and the latest Jodi Picoult novel.
You don’t have to be Either/Or. You can be everything and anything all at once. You are you and there is no other you out there. You are fabulously confusing, glitteringly fascinating, mesmerisingly unique. Be you. Do you. Reveal the masterpiece that is you. Because you’re spectacular. And I am too. We all are. We’re just not the same. And thank God for that.
"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." Coco Chanel
Last week, I was presented with an interesting assignment: give something to a complete stranger. I loved the idea! Little did I know how difficult I would actually find it…
I gleefully pondered the many wonderful things I could bestow upon a stranger. I could buy someone a coffee or hand a child a large, coloured lollipop. I could pay for someone’s parking or help an elderly person across the street. I could saunter up to a solitary diner in a café and present them with a beautiful lemon cupcake. I could purchase a bus ticket for the person behind me in the queue.
But I repeatedly talked myself out of each idea. They’ll think I’m crazy. My motives will be questioned. It’s easier to just look after myself. I marvelled at my own hesitation.
Three days later, I still hadn’t completed my mission, and I was having a pretty horrible week. Money worries, strife with a loved one, and a serious dose of PMS. I was hardly in any form to accomplish this random act of kindness.
Today, after a triathlon of tears, free-flow writing and meditation, I dragged myself out the door. And someone from a passing car fired an egg at me! Its insides dribbled across my runners. I wanted to cry.
I considered going home immediately as I silently wailed: Who would want to make someone cry? Then, I wondered: Was the energy I was giving off attracting all this negativity? The car had long gone and I hadn’t reacted. I sent the goon with the great aim some loving thoughts, took a deep breath, and made up my mind to be strong and turn things around. It was now or never.
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I popped into a shop and bought a Cornetto. A man wearing sunglasses walked my way.
I tried: “Hi. Can I give you an ice cream?”
“I don’t want it,” he muttered as he side-stepped me.
I felt bad but I recognised his scepticism towards my altruism, and moved on. A few others approached me.
“Would anyone like a Cornetto?” I ventured.
“Why?” asked an elderly lady.
“Because I’d like to give this to someone.”
She took it and queried,” How much do you want for it?”
“Nothing,” I answered. “I just wanted to give it to someone.”
With that, she beamed and said: “Thank you. That’s very kind.”
I walked home with a renewed light in my eyes and a smile on my lips. As I neared my flat, a young boy grinned at me and bellowed, “Hi!” The negative energy I had been wallowing in melted away in this child’s generous greeting.
This once-assumed easy task taught me a lot. It showed me that I still care what people think of me. It confirmed that what we’re thinking about the world will be perfectly mirrored back to us. I realised how suspicious people can be of simple acts of kindness but that is merely because these acts are so rare. When you do something with a pure heart, the self-protective barriers will subside, and the results will be extremely rewarding for both giver and receiver.
Now, I have an assignment for you, my lovely readers. Give something to a complete stranger. Take note of what happens and be aware of how you’re thinking and feeling before, during and after the act. It will teach you some valuable lessons and it will make a lucky stranger’s day.
"The universe is exactly the way we think it is and that's why." John Woods
An oft-travelled journey home when, suddenly, I become transfixed by the clouds in the sky. Grey and navy with astonishing splashes of light and beige. An unexpected chink of blue reminds me of tomorrow and Mediterranean summers.
There are mountain ranges and snowy landscapes and sumptuous treats in these clouds. Ever changing and concealing and revealing. A thoughtful water-colour painting. A masterpiece of such genius that many do not even recognise it.
Perfect contrasts of heaviness and light, charcoals and pastels, passion and anger. Dramatic brushstrokes and cotton puffs so soft I want to bury my face in them. The impermanence delights me. Now, slowly, the clouds part and the window of promising blue stretches, making the clear sky more precious for it is not always so.
“Our true nature could be compared to the sky, and the confusion of the ordinary mind to clouds. Some days, the sky is completely obscured by clouds. When we are down on the ground, looking up, it is very difficult to believe there is anything else there but clouds. Yet we only have to fly in a plane to discover up above a limitless expanse of clear blue sky. From up there, the clouds we assumed were everything seem so small and so far away down below. We should always try and remember: the clouds are not the sky, and do not “belong” to it. They only hang there and pass by in their slightly ridiculous and non-dependent fashion. And they can never stain or mark the sky in any way.” Sogyal Rinpoche
The intricate system of veins on the back of a leaf. A large tree that holds candles of flowers all the colours of a little girl’s sun dress. The abundance of hawthorn. The gnarled bark that holds secrets of wisdom and healing, if we would just bother to ask for them.
The cutest baby lambs and their huggable mothers, their wool sticking up like they’ve just rolled out of bed.
Shades of blue smudged across the sky, white clouds barely moving like a mirage landscape of snowy mountain ranges. A pine branch swaying dreamily. The biscuity scent of yellow furze that tickles my nostrils each time a light wind dances. A sudden downpour of fresh water droplets from the heavens.
”See the fullness of life all around you. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the display of magnificent flowers… biting into a succulent fruit or getting soaked in an abundance of water falling from the sky. The fullness of life is there at every step.” Eckhart Tolle
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“Live as though heaven is on earth.” Mark Twain
Heaven is on earth. Heaven is in our hearts. It is up to us to open our eyes, our minds and our hearts; to see, feel and experience the abundance and beauty that’s right in front of us.
Disappointment can strike you like a ferocious tidal wave on a calm summer’s day. It takes you by surprise, plunges you into an icy, suffocating darkness, washes away your energy, erodes some of your hope, and snaps off a little piece of your heart. I’ve experienced a few disappointments in recent times and it’s hard not to let them trip you up.
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According to Ardictionary.com, disappointment is “a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realised”. The only reason we get disappointed is because something happens outside of our control. Our expectations are shattered. We want to control how someone behaves towards us or how we expect a situation to turn out. When life rails against our wishes, we experience an extraordinary sense of disappointment.
By dissecting the word, it can be broken down into “dis-” and “appointment”. The prefix “dis-” has a negative or reversing force on what comes after it. An appointment is “a fixed mutual agreement for a meeting or engagement.” (Dictionary.com) You had a plan and this plan was obliterated. You feel as though you’ve just been knocked down by the tsunami created by the aftershock of this disappointment. The trick is not to allow yourself be swept away by the current of negative emotions that arises.
When you suffer a disappointment, be it having been rejected or dumped, when a friend lets you down or a family member behaves in a way that hurts you, or your holiday/business/career plans are dashed, you need to do two things.
1. Realise that this person’s behaviour has nothing to do with you. It’s all about them and what’s going on in their world. Also, everything happens for a reason. Trust that all will work out in the end. Focus on the bigger picture. Perhaps this partner/friend/trip/business idea was not the one for you. Or the timing wasn’t right. Ultimately, you will be thankful for this disappointment as you will be open to something better coming your way.
“Disenchantment, whether it is a minor disappointment or a major shock, is the signal that things are moving into transition in our lives.”William Throsby Bridges
2. Recognise that how you feel and react as a result of this disappointment is all about you. Delve into the emotions that are overwhelming you and get into the bodily sensations you are experiencing. Ask yourself why you’re upset/angry/hurt. Are you placing too much of yourself into the hands of one person or plan?
I spent a large part of my life feeling that I had to do it all on my own. I believed that people were inherently selfish and would let you down. I needed to be independent and self-sufficient. As a result, I found it hard to get too close to people. However, in recent times, my experience of people and the world has altered. I’ve come into contact with good people, who go out of their way to help others. I started to see things differently. It was like a rainbow had exploded across the charcoal canvas of my world.
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I didn’t want to see the blacks and greys any more. I focussed on the bright and vibrant colours. But that was not being real either. Life is made up of darkness and light, happiness and sadness, grief and excitement, faith and loss, hope and disappointment.
It is important to be independent. To be okay on your own. To do your own thing and follow your calling in life. And if someone wants to help/befriend/date you, accept that as an added bonus. And if they take their altruism/friendship/affection away, it will not devastate you because you are still a whole person.
We all go through difficulties and disappointments. This is a requirement for growth. These times offer us a lot of learning if we are willing to look inwards. They enable us to greater appreciate the beauty and possibilities that arise. It may feel like it will never stop raining and that you’ll drown in the mud. Just know that, after the fright and fury of the storm, a rainbow flashes her colours…
Today, I decided to have a Me-Day. This meant doing exactly as I wished for an entire day. I started with some yoga and meditation. Then, a leisurely breakfast. I chuckled as I gave myself some YouTube flute lessons and delighted in the sound of the instrument.
I browsed the internet while sipping freshly brewed coffee. I jogged in the sunshine to the beats of Robynand Yeah Yeah Yeahs, then sauntered around a vegetable shop. I was in no rush. I had nothing to do and no-one to see. Later, I did a bit of reading. I cooked a sweet potato curry for the first time and thoroughly enjoyed it. I ran a bath, lit candles and played relaxing music. I sighed with pleasure as I lowered myself into the hot water. The bubbles came up around my neck like a high-collared cloak of sparkling cloud.
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Pressure, shoulds and musts do not exist on Me-Days. I simply did as I pleased. I had dinner at lunch time and a bath before dark. Ideally, we would all have at least one day like this each week. However, even when we do have a day off, we treat it as a to-do challenge and fill it with chores and appointments.
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to hold out until Mother’s Day or your anniversary or birthday to treat yourself and listen to your needs. Why don’t you rename one day this week Me-Day and do it your way?
Have you ever wanted something so bad but been too afraid to go for it? Have you allowed opportunities pass you by as you looked on helplessly? I’ve cried tears of sadness, confusion and frustration over things I haven’t had the courage or the confidence to pursue.
For me, a fear of rejection has always paralysed me. I would grieve someone before confessing my feelings for them. I ‘ve struggled with a lifelong delusion of not being wanted or loved. I doubted my right to happiness, fulfilment and even a space on this planet.
In my early twenties, if I was in a busy café and there were people waiting to be seated, I would become agitated and hurry my coffee because I clearly thought that I didn’t deserve a place as much as these strangers did.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anaïs Nin
I assumed that I’d never be lucky enough to experience true love or enter into a functional relationship. I had obviously come to the conclusion that I wasn’t worthy.
I remember a time not so long ago when I was talking to someone I was interested in romantically. As he spoke, I just wanted to reach out and touch him. But I didn’t want to scare him away or make myself vulnerable. So I just smiled and nodded and slapped back the desire, turning it into something that had to be suppressed, a flame that had to be quenched for fear of burning myself.
I could never let a guy know that I was interested in him as the fear of rejection was too great. I couldn’t handle another confirmation that I was unlovable. And so I was left with all these feelings and nowhere to vent them. It was a lose-lose situation. I was either denying myself the pleasure of getting with a wonderful man or losing myself in a fantasy world of misinterpreted hope, where it was possible that, one day, I’d ride into the sunset with a man who had absolutely no interest in me, sunsets or riding.
I often marvelled at the courage of some of my friends who were confident enough to ask men out. One friend told me that, on a night out, she simply grabbed a guy’s face and kissed him. I delighted in her story but the thought of doing something similar caused me to shut down in terror.
I would rather wait to be asked out. However, I recently realised that this meant giving my power and freedom of choice away. I neglected the possibility of selecting whom I wanted to date. I have to admit that this is an area I still need to bring awareness to. I don’t know if I’ll be shoving my face into a man’s any time soon but I’m working on it.
This process begins by noticing the magnificent light that shines brightly within me. I’m awakening to my life’s purpose. I now appreciate my talents and quirks and I’m finally recognising that I am fun and interesting and lovable.
If you are full of desire for something but are too terrified to pursue it, ask yourself why. What is it that you want? What are you afraid of? Sit with the answers you give yourself and the emotions that this will bring up.
You may even realise that you’ve built the person/state of being/trip/job up so much that the reality of acquiring said item would be a lot different from the scenario your imagination is creating. The thing you want shimmers before your parched soul like a spectacular mirage.
"Without awareness of bodily feeling and attitude, a person becomes split into a disembodied spirit and a disenchanted body." Alexander Lowen
You may also identify that you’re feeling starved of affection, approval, success or enjoyment. Try giving yourself these things. You don’t have to wait until you’ve got a promotion/date with Mr I-think-is-Right/airline tickets for an African safari. Embrace the wondrous nature that is right on your doorstep if you would just open your eyes. Treat yourself to some self-love, understanding and compassion. Talk to yourself. Become your new best friend. Respect the inner strength that has taken you to this point in your life. You are a survivor. You don’t need to be wearing a power suit or a wedding ring before you can deem yourself worthwhile. Delight in the miracle of your very existence.
That’s not to say don’t go for what you want out of life. Set up your own business. Ask your crush out. Plan an exciting trip for your upcoming holidays, be it backpacking around Southeast Asia or rediscovering Ireland’s coastline.
And if you get knocked back, be gentle with yourself. Then congratulate yourself on your courage and determination. Recognise that this particular path is not going to take you to your desired destination and simply change direction. As you release the fear, the baggage you’re carrying on your journey will become lighter. And when you no longer have to lug that heavy weight across your shoulders, you’ll be free to look up and notice the magnificence of your surroundings.
This song resonates with me as I can’t imagine being able to vocalise these lyrics to someone I cared about. Yet…
Being outdoors in nature, personal development, spirituality, teaching, yoga, friends & family, sunshine, good conversation, writing, a good cuppa, swimming in the sea, books, adventure, travel, learning, laughter, fun, good food, bear hugs…
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