Last night, I observed my reaction to something. Initially, I was disappointed that I was still allowing a thing like this to affect me.
Then, I remembered to accept the feeling and to really feel it, instead of sweeping it into a corner in the hope that I wouldn’t notice it any more.
I didn’t have to analyse the emotion or figure out why it was there, with the sole purp0se of making it disappear. I didn’t have to do anything at all. I just had to allow.
In the presence and the allowing, the thoughts that I’d imagined I was glued to began to float away. The outcome of all this really wasn’t important.
It doesn’t matter what happens. Everything is at is is. And all is well.
Today as I sit in meditation, I struggle with my own neediness. I criticise myself for this perceived defect. I really don’t like needy Sharon very much and I’m so afraid that entering into a new romantic relationship will reactivate this destructive pattern.
Yes, if I close myself off to men completely, I think I’m totally fine. But I don’t want to do that. I want to open up to life and all that it offers.
So I sit and allow whatever needs to surface. I realise that I’m assuming that I’ll react in the same way as I used to. But I know that I’m different now. Things have changed, as they always do.
And even if I do react from a place of neediness again, I’m so aware now that I’m learning from things as they happen. And I’m actually grateful for these episodes as they illuminate more opportunities for growth.
As I sit in this post-dawn meditation, I have a deep and peaceful understanding that I don’t need anything from anyone. I am enough. I have everything I need already. I am all that I ever need.
Posted in Personal development
Tagged anger, awareness, codependency, dependency, fear, growth, insight, loneliness, love, meditation, mind, neediness, partnership, peace, personal development, relationships, romance, thinking, thoughts
Who knew I’d be inspired by watching Knocked Up? Please desist from turning up thy noses. Because it takes a certain sort of genius to make people laugh. And you can’t beat a good Apatow flick. And Seth Rogen’s laugh is priceless. But none of the above reasons are what got me writing this post. It was the thought-provoking scene, where married couple, Pete and Debbie, played by Paul Rudd (I so would) and Leslie Mann, have a huge argument.
Debbie is furious because she’s just found out that Pete has been sneaking around and lying to her. But he’s not cheating. He’s playing fantasy baseball league with his friends. Which is worse than infidelity to Debbie because it means that he would rather hang out with his nerdy mates than be with his family. He can’t understand why she can’t understand that he just needs space. He simply cannot fathom how his wife loves him so much that she wants him around all the time. And that is their biggest problem.
Basically, he just misses his male camaraderie and she’s being controlling. Sound familiar? So many married men would do anything to get away from the old “ball and chain” as often as possible. But what about the women? Don’t they want to get out and party with their gal pals too? Or is it presumed that just because they’re female, they’re clingy?
I was in a relationship once where I could never quite figure out whether I was being needy or he was just a commitment-phobe. I wanted to spend time with him. He wanted to play sport.
Admittedly, there are a lot of women out there who drop their friends, their hobbies, and their nights out the moment a half-decent dude shows up. They throw their everything into making the relationship work. Can you blame the overwhelmed partner for itching to get away from this co-dependent woman, who’s rapidly gone from being passionate and smart to whining and insecure?
It’s funny how, when describing matters of the heart, you can’t avoid terms of violence… I love you to death. All’s fair in love and war. She loves me to bits.
Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to give up who you are and what you enjoy. If you don’t believe in relationships, don’t join one. But if you do want a partner, you’ve got to realise that compromise is a necessary part of a partnership. The trick is to find someone you’re compatible with. Because that is half the battle.
Images: http://www.graphicshunt.com/wallpapers/images/lots_of_hearts-7088.htm; http://break–my–heart.skyrock.com/1.html
Posted in Love
Tagged argument, break ups, co-dependecy, comedy, compatibility, dependency, film, friendship, genius, hobbies, independence, insecurities, judd apatow, knocked up, leslie mann, love, marriage, men, movies, nights out, passion, paul rudd, relationships, seth rogen, women