I’m standing inside a block. Knees bent, one foot in front of the other. Breath and palms pushing. Sweat prickles.
I know this will mean a lot of time and frustration with very little forward motion.
Slabs of white before and behind me, above and below. But the sides are open!
I sidestep into a sunny field of wildflowers. Reds and purples, pink and yellow. I inhale deeply.
Birds trill. Butterflies bounce. Bees buzz.
Blades of grass pulse around me. Do they move because the breeze moves them? Or the almost invisible insects? Or is it as a result of their very own energy as they stretch their necks towards the sun?
My questions remain unanswered, my wants are unclear. Can I wait to be moved by the forces, always propelled in the right direction? Bask in nature and hope for divine inspiration?
Or do I climb back into the four-faced block and continue pushing and perspiring? I don’t want to delude myself, wasting time. At least I’d be praised for my efforts as I try to take life seriously.
I should forge my way, make things happen. Create the life I truly desire. If I could finally decide.
But who wants to be blinded by white plastic when beauty flashes at the corners of the eyes?
The fresh air is too good to give up. I gulp it in. It’s life-affirming even if I don’t know what, where, when I want for my life.
So I belly flop into the wildlife, eyes and heart open.
Posted in Modern Society, Random
Tagged acupuncturist, adulthood, beauty, clarity, confusion, decision-making, doubt, fear, life coach ireland, life coach kildare, life coach Skype, mind-body-soul coach, mindfulness classes kildare, mindfulness course kildare, nature, positive living, reiki practitioner, well of being
I woke up crying. I had just dreamt that I heard that a guy I’d met a couple of times last summer was coming over to my family home. It was late, I was in my pyjamas, I looked tired and wasn’t wearing any makeup. I quickly threw on a bra and T-shirt and started applying some makeup. My brother ran upstairs, grabbed something and said, “We’re going out.” I heard the door slam. I stopped putting on makeup. My sister came into the bathroom and announced, “That guy is hot but they’re gone to a night-club.”
I exploded: “I am so angry with both of them. I put on a bra! And makeup.” My sister scrunched up her face. I continued: “He obviously doesn’t care about me. I feel so alone. I just feel awful.” I knew that I was overreacting, that this shouldn’t make me feel so bad, that this was a core issue that kept resurfacing. My sister hugged me.
As I lay there early this morning, I realised that this went deep. I also recognised that, if this was a core belief of mine, it would continue to come up in relationships with men, and even with friends, family and the larger whole. I would create situations time and again that would “make” me feel unloved and alone.
As I was preparing for a Positive Living class yesterday, I remembered this quote by Anaïs Nin: “We see things not as they are but as we are.” In other words, we tend to view things from our own perspective. What’s happened in the past can colour things for us in the future. I guess it comes back to living in the present moment.
I don’t know how to shift this completely but I do know that awareness is crucial. If a scenario arises again where I feel this way, I will be able to see that it could be my stuff and not the other person or circumstance. I can decide to release these emotions, to let go, to stop replaying the old record because it’s not relevant any more. Already, I am loving and caring about myself. I am opening myself to love and connection. I am aware and awake and I’ve stopped crying.
Posted in Love, Personal development
Tagged anaïs nin, anger, awake, awareness, beliefs, connection, core issues, dream, emotions, family, feelings, friendship, future, letting go, loneliness, love, past, perspective, positive living, present, relationships, release, self-care, self-love