Attachment: Loved ones, identity crises, and negative thinking

Posted on January 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

This is a big one. Attachment affects every area of our lives. Some of us believe that if we weren’t attached to people and to things, we’d have no reason to be here on this earth. But letting go of attachment is the biggest lesson we have to learn. The biggest hurdle to overcome. And once we do this, we will be free.

It is our attachment to people, to things, to ideas, and to our thoughts that keeps us stuck and causes us endless amounts of pain. Initially, the severance of these attachments may also cause pain. After all, these shackles have had us chained for many, many years. They’ve prevented us from moving forward but it’s all we know. Then, one day something happens that breaks these chains and sets us free. There is a new world out there, bright and exciting and pain-free. Do you want to join me on this magnificent journey? Here’s how.

1) Awareness

First of all, it’d help if you could figure out what it is you’re attached to. Once you recognise your self-destructive patterns, you can do something about it. In the following sub-section, I’ll discuss the different things we become attached to.

a) image

If you’re attached to your external image, prepare to be saddened, disappointed, angry and depressed. An attachment to how you look will lead to pain and suffering every time you break out in pimples or gain a bit of weight. Hair loss, sagging skin and wrinkles will cause you to sink into a spiral of self-disgust. However, if you can let go of this attachment to your image, you’ll soon realise that there are more important things in life than how you look on the outside. Your spirit is beautiful. Allow it to shine.

b) other people

We become attached to our parents, friends, other halves, and to our children. We believe we couldn’t live without them, and we understand that they make us whole. If you feel this way, I have two words for you: Uh oh! People leave. People die, move away, or move on with their lives without us. Relationships break up. Children move out. Friends drift away. This is a normal part of life. But if you’re too attached, you’ll find it very hard to survive a loss like this. First, work on becoming whole yourself, then any relationship you have with another person will be an added bonus to your already full and healthy life. Their presence may enhance your experiences but their absence will not diminish you as a person.

c) identity

Many of us fall into the trap of defining ourselves by our job title, our gender, religion, social class, and even by our taste in music. This is dangerous. And this is why many people commit suicide after a job loss. Lately, many Irish people have become extremely disillusioned by the child abuse scandals in the Church. We were once a very Catholic country. Now, we are losing our attachment to our religion and this isn’t a bad thing. For the breaking of attachment creates an opening for more understanding, acceptance and inclusion.

Who are we without our identifying labels? For a short while after letting go of attachment, you may feel lonely, lost and confused. Confusion is a good thing. It means you are questioning life and your place in the world. Sit with it. You may think you’re lonely, lost and confused when in fact you’re now free and open and alive.

d) thoughts

The attachment to our thoughts is what causes us most pain. We think: I am fat, I am useless, no one loves me, life is difficult. When we attach to such thoughts, we believe them to be true and we live them. We manifest our own reality of hardship and self-hatred. But we don’t have to attach to such thoughts. We can choose to view things in a different light. When it’s raining, for example, you have a choice. You can attach to the thought This weather is awful OR I love the sound of the rain.

The death of a loved one is probably the most painful thing any of us will ever go through. And even at that, we have a choice as to which thought we attach to:  They are gone forever. I’ll never love again. I miss them so much. Life will never sparkle without them OR I am so lucky to have met such a wonderful person. They taught me so much about life and about myself. I will always remember the love we shared. And I will bring what I’ve learned from them with me on this fascinating journey of discovery.

2) Do nothing

You’ll be glad to hear that you don’t have to do anything at all. The more you fight against something, the more it fights back. You are now aware of how you’ve been behaving. So, allow this awareness to wash over you. And the rest will take care of itself. Eckhart Tolle wrote the following in his marvellous book, A New Earth:

“How do you let go of attachment to things? Don’t even try. It’s impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.”

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That first date: It’s like a job interview, only fun!

Posted on January 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

First dates are nerve-racking exercises. You’re meeting up with someone you hardly know (or may not have even met yet) with the purpose of deciding whether the two of you may be suited as a couple. Talk about pressure! Questions and concerns swirl around your frazzled head: What if I don’t fancy this person? What if I make a fool of myself? They might not like my style. They could be an axe murderer.

I’ve often wished that I’d never agreed to go on a date in the first place. I’d prefer to curl up with a book in the safety of my own home and live vicariously through fictional heroines playing out their lustful encounters. But you’ve already promised to meet this possible stalker/love of your life. Here are some tips for surviving that anxiety-inducing first date.

1) Do it

This tip may be stating the obvious but some people get cold feet and cancel, or even worse, stand up their dates at the last minute. It’s not the title of a best-selling book for nothing so “feel the fear and do it anyway”. What we stress about is rarely as bad as we’d forecast. You may even enjoy yourself, meet someone new and interesting, and possibly fall in love. You’ll wonder why you worried your little head in the first place.

2) Have a metaphorical ejector seat ready

If you’re really unsure of your date’s character or whether or not you’ll die of boredom/fear, have a back-up plan arranged before you go for that drink. Make sure someone knows where you’re going and always rendezvous in a public place. We’ve all watched enough CSI, Cold Case, and Criminal Minds to entertain the possibility of rape and/or murder. If the date is going pear-shaped, send a sneaky text to a sibling or best friend, and when they call you, gasp in appropriate amounts of horror and concern. Then, give your unsuspecting date your “sincere” apologies for having to rush to the hospital/vet/police station.

I went on a date with a German guy a few years back. We strolled through the Englischer Garten on a balmy Friday evening. How romantic, I thought. This shows that he’s different. And different he was. He spent the whole time pontificating about God, sociology and literature, and how he doesn’t drink alcohol or believe in true love. The guy didn’t even like sunshine for crying out loud, instead preferring to spend his summers sweating over encyclopedias in Munich’s library. It was time for the ejector seat text. Five minutes later, I hopped on the U-Bahn, smiling with relief as I sped off to an imaginary flooding in my student digs.

3) Ask questions

Most people love talking about themselves. So, feed into this by asking lots of questions. It’ll also give you a chance to take a few deep breaths and settle your nerves as you allow them to waffle on. And how else are you going to find out if you share the same passion for The Cure and scuba diving? Show an interest in the person and in their job and hobbies. But if your eyes are glazing over and you’re swimming in and out of consciousness as they drone on and on about bondholders or fly fishing, change the subject. There’s no point in feigning interest in a subject that makes you want to rip your eyelashes out. Maybe you’re just not suited as a couple but your date won’t realise this if you make like a nodding dog throughout the whole conversation.

Don’t make the mistake of acting like the next Vincent Browne. Too many questions may make your date feel like they’re being interrogated. Recently, I had a date with a shy younger man. I felt the need to fill the awkward silences by asking question after question after question. I knew I was doing it but I just couldn’t help myself. I never saw the terrified crater again.

4) Be open

Tell your date you’re nervous. It’s more than likely that he/she is too and this will help break the ice, and show the person that you’re only human. If you want to go home after just one drink, tell your date this. There’s no point in dragging out the night for the sake of being polite. You’ll only spend more money, drink more than you’d planned, and lead on the person you’re squirming beside.

5) Don’t get drunk

This is very tempting and easy to do on a first date. You’re shaking with the nerves and there’s nothing you’d like to do more than down five pints of cider. But with this mass consumption of alchohol come the not so helpful beer goggles. This strategy will leave you in the exact same predicament as you were in before the date. Do you actually like/fancy the person or did the booze make you do it? If you want to get to know a person without the booze-fogged spectacles, or you can’t trust yourself not to do shots with this almost stranger, how about going for coffee instead?

6) You can’t hurry love

Don’t expect to feel that lightning bolt of lust and romance straight away. It takes time to get to know a person. Enjoy the process. Also, don’t jump into bed with each other. There’s something magical about that in-between stage so why not bask in it? Employ the delayed gratification approach. Court each other and go on dates. Some schools of thought insist that men are like hunters who love the chase. And if a woman gives it up too easily, they’ll lose interest. This may be the case for some men but if they’re any way more advanced than their primal ancestors, this shouldn’t be a problem. I know of couples who are still together and madly in love years after their “one-night stand”. However, it’s nice to have something to look forward to. And it’s not a bad idea to decide if you can stand the person before you have a one-night stand.

7) Don’t oversell a version of yourself that doesn’t actually exist

Yes, put on your war paint/lucky knickers/favourite shirt/Lynx aftershave. You’re dressing to impress after all. But don’t play games or present an image of the person you think your date wants to be with. This will only lead to disappointment, resentment, and a hell of a lot of work to keep up the façade. If the thought of wearing stilettos and a tight dress brings you out in a rash, don’t force yourself into them on a first date. You’ll only be uncomfortable for the night and you’ll be pretending to be someone you’re not.

8. Break the ice

Do something different. A fun activity will zap the nerves. Even if you don’t fancy each other, at least you’ll enjoy yourselves. Go ice skating, laugh it up at a comedy club, try go-karting, go to a gig. I’d vote against going to the cinema on a first date. You won’t get to chat and you probably won’t be able to concentrate on the film anyway because you’ll be too busy debating whether or not to throw the arm around.

9) White lies and honesty

White lies were invented to get us out of cringeworthy situations without hurting the other’s feelings. There’s nothing wrong with making up an excuse to make life easier for both parties. Once, I went on a date with a guy I’d gotten to know over the internet. The moment I walked into the bar, I knew he wasn’t for me. We had absolutely nothing in common, and the thought of kissing him made me throw up a little in my mouth (true story). So when, after two glasses of Guinness, he asked if I wanted another drink “for the road”, I told him I was a light weight and simply couldn’t handle another. When he tried to take my hand as we walked out of the pub, I busied myself with putting on gloves, a hat, a scarf, and buttoning up my coat. He offered to drive me home. I told him I was meeting a friend. When he still wasn’t getting the hint after all those subtle attempts to let him down easy, I told him I wasn’t over my ex and therefore, was not ready for a new relationship. Then, I ran. This didn’t stop him from begging for reasons by text and by email. “Do I look different from my pictures?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Did I waste your time?” Actually, maybe lying wasn’t such a good idea after all. If all the lying isn’t getting you anywhere (like in the case above), tell the truth. Honesty rarely lets you down. So, I told him we just had nothing in common. And I haven’t heard from him since. Check out this short film about being completely honest on a first date. 

10) Keep your options open

Don’t settle for the first half-decent person who shows an interest in you. Just because you’ve gone on one date, doesn’t mean you’ve lost your single status. Think of yourself as a soon-to-be bride sampling lots of wedding cakes before deciding on “the one” for her wedding day. How can you find out which is most suitable/tastiest if you don’t try out a number of them? This can be a fun process. So, get out there and enjoy whittling down your options.

11) Enjoy!

Finally, enjoy the date. You’re lucky enough to be in demand. Think of all the bored folk sat at home with only their remote controls for company. The nerves will soon dissipate. Just get out there and have fun.

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Unrequited love: I love him, he loves me not

Posted on January 9, 2011 | 10 comments

Unrequited love is bittersweet. Feelings of passion, promise, and affection are diluted with feelings of longing, rejection, and frustration. Your life is plunged into a cocktail of excitement and disappointment. You had been plodding along contentedly in your plain little world until you develop a crush on some oblivious character and suddenly, everything is brighter and louder, fun but scary. Kind of like a fun fair. Unfortunately, your crush doesn’t know you exist, doesn’t realise your lust for them, is currently attached to some other lucky so-and-so or, worst case scenario, knows you’d cart-wheel through hoops of fire to snog them and would prefer to forget that little tidbit of information.

How do you cure a serious dose of unrequited love?

1) Wear your heart on your sleeve

Better to know one way or the other, and sooner rather than later. Right? Tell him/her how you feel. Maybe they feel they same and you’ve just saved them the daunting task of opening up to you. Either, you’ll be cosying up on the couch with the object of your affection before you know it, or you’ll find out it’s a no-go area and give up.

Unless, deep down you know that this person will never live up to the leading star you’ve created in your (crazy) mind. He/she is so nice to you in your head, and a fantasy lover never doubts themselves, disagrees with you or farts in bed. And they definitely won’t resemble a bleary-eyed, cranky skunk in the mornings. In this case, tuck your heart under your cuff and enjoy the reverie.

When I was about 12, I knew a boy with movie star good looks. Every girl in the town was after him. I fancied him and I must have fancied my chances with him because I ordered my friend to tell him that I liked him. He never did anything about it. And that was enough. I had given it my best shot. So, I moved on to fantasising about other guys I had absolutely no chance of meeting let alone dating. Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Jordan Catalano, to mention but a few.

2) Milk it

Make the most of how alive you’re feeling right now. Colours are more vivid. Every song on the radio talks to you. The slightest glance from your amor is enough to spread warm tingles all over. You have all this love, passion, angst, and pain, and nowhere to send it. So, feed these intense emotions into song lyrics or poetry, run through the hills, take up kick boxing. Get out all that energy and turn it into something positive and creative. At 15, I wrote a poem about an unwitting hottie in my ninjitsu class, with the spectacularly surprising title “Unrequited Love”.

You can also milk it with your mates. Girls love discussing unrequited love. Get them to call over for some vino, Ben & Jerry’s and a good ol’ chinwag. They can empathise and offer advice or slate the dude if that’s what you’d prefer. If you’re a guy experiencing a nasty bout of unrequited love, you can also try get yer mates over with choccies and hankies. Alternatively, head down to the pub.

3) Wallow in it

Once in a while, it’s nice to be able to indulge in a bit of wallowing. Kind of like when orange juice stings the crack in your lip and you take another sip ‘coz you sorta liked it. In the case of unrequited love, you may not have even known the chap(ette) so your heart probably isn’t broken broken. Seen as it’s not totally devastating, you may simply enjoy lying in your dirty bath water for a bit longer than necessary. Hence why I played this song on repeat for about a week after a break-up when I was 16. 

4) Self-love

Sometimes, unrequited love is less about your fantasy partner and more about you. Sure you hardly know them. But you’re certain that if they knew the real you, they’d fall deeply in love with you. If only they knew how talented, sweet, funny, and generous you are. You post cool YouTube videos on your blog and update your status constantly with witty comments and inspiringly intelligent quotes just so that he will finally figure out that you’re the one he’s been searching for. Newsflash: this is a pointless exercise because he’s probably removed you from his Facebook news feed for taking up his homepage with irrelevant drivel.  I know, I know, you want to share your magnificent self with someone. But you’re aware of all these wonderful things about yourself. So why not love and enjoy yourself for a while? One day, you will share these things with someone else. Someone who values all you have to offer and who has a hell of a lot to offer you as well.

5) Don’t boil any bunnies

Seriously, don’t stalk the poor fecker. Don’t even engage in any of that modern-day, socially acceptable stalking. Checking his Facebook page several times a day is not healthy. Especially if you’re not even friends. And saving his profile picture onto your computer is just not cool. And please, don’t drive by his house every evening. Particularly, if his is the end house in a cul-de-sac.

We all want to be loved and appreciated. More than that, we want someone (other than ourselves) to notice (and adore) all those lovable and quirky things that make us who we are. This lovely clip sums it up. 

Observe all the best things about yourself. Write them down. And forget about needing someone else to notice how nice you are. You will always (and rightly so) be your own biggest fan.

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Infidelity: Guilty kisses and confessions

Posted on January 9, 2011 | 1 comment

I was 20 years old and I was at a college dance. Without my boyfriend of two weeks. I was wearing the lovely blue dress that I should have worn to the Debs that I hadn’t attended. This was like a second chance for Cinderella to shine at the ball. As I danced and drank and laughed with friends, a very good-looking guy kept approaching me. Complimenting me. Trying to kiss me. And I kept turning him down. Until the temptation became too much. The magic of the night where I was the princess of the ball with the most handsome prince pursuing me. And then he kissed me. And I let him. Of course, I felt awful. Guilty. Bad for my new fella. Okay, we’d only been together two weeks. And I had only just hit my twenties. But I still cried when I went home and confessed my sins to a surprised mother.

Infidelity affects many people. Some are the perpetrators, others the victims. But usually both parties suffer. I know because I’ve lived both sides.

I was seeing a guy for a few months but we weren’t “committed to each other”. His words. This still didn’t stop me falling for him. I was in denial about my ability to take things casually but I guess I was secretly hoping that he’d realise his love for me. And I definitely didn’t think he’d be with anyone else. Not while he was seeing me at least. Until one night, in a club, I saw him lean in to kiss a girl at the bar. As difficult as it was to witness, I believe everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to see that. Even though it was a shock and it hurt and I walked home alone in the rain that night, I had to see it to realise that he wasn’t serious about me, and that he didn’t respect me. His “infidelity” forced me to finally cut him out of my life and move on.

There are some who will argue that men and women shouldn’t even be in monogamous relationships, that it’s just not in our nature as human beings to live and mate together for life. And maybe they’re right. But even if that is the case, we’re so used to living in a society where marriage is the finish line we’re all hoping to cross, and infidelity is a huge breach of trust. Infidelity causes total heart-break and, more often than not, brings relationships to a tear-jerking halt.

Someone close to me learned of her boyfriend’s infidelity at 3am one fateful morning when she was rudely awoken by the phone ringing. Between tears, regret, and declarations of love, he confessed that he’d been with someone else. She was devastated. Ultimately though, I think he suffered more. Partly due to the humiliation of her pouring a large Coke over his head in front of the whole town the following day, but mostly due to the fact that he loved her and wanted her back. And that never happened.

So, whether you’re the cheater or the cheated on, infidelity is a tough one to get through. Here are some tips…

1) Look on it as a blessing

The infidelity could be a sign that you and your other half really shouldn’t be together any more. Learning of an infidelity is the blessing in disguise you badly needed to kick this thing to the kerb.

2) Get revenge

This one’s for the cheatees. My friend felt at least marginally better after almost drowning her former flame in a soft drink. Another girl I know texted, “I hate you!” before dumping all of her ex’s stuff on the street. Closure comes in many forms. I think the best form of revenge is simply living the most wonderful life possible. Concentrate on yourself, your wants and needs and happiness. Soon, you’ll be so absorbed in living a life that you love, that you’ll forget you ever liked that shady so-and-so in the first place.

3) To tell or not to tell

For the cheaters, you now have the dilemma of whether or not to disclose your behaviour to your partner. You may want to be brave and own up. After all, honesty is very important for any healthy relationship. Or you may feel that baring all would actually be selfish. It may relieve you of the burden of guilt but it will more than likely devastate your other half and possibly end the relationship. Alternatively, you could take Shaggy’s advice and insist, “It wasn’t me!” 

4) Think insecurity

The thought of your other half with someone else is unbearable. It can bring out feelings of betrayal and insecurity. Why have they chosen to be with someone other than you? Are you not enough? This is not the case. When I kissed that twenty-something college boy, I still wanted to be with my boyfriend. I still found him sweet and attractive. But I was immature and insecure enough to let that feeling of being desired by someone take over. So, if you’ve just been cheated on, call him/her an insecure f*ckface (preferably to their face) and move on.

Infidelity is not the end of the world. And despite how you’re probably feeling right now, there is nothing wrong with you. You will get over it. This will either put an end to something that was coming to its best before date anyhow, or it will make you realise that this one is worth the work. I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse but infidelity is actually very common. On the bright side, if your partnership is based more on mutual respect, love, and independence, and less on control, jealousy and possessiveness, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

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Stillness: giving your iPhone the silent treatment

Posted on January 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

We are a society obsessed with doing. If we’re not constantly working, achieving, and succeeding, then we’re not happy. We believe that we only deserve to rest after a gruelling day in the office, after we’ve been to the gym, and completed our evening classes. It is not okay to be still.

An example of our fear of stillness is that much dreaded “awkward silence” that we so studiously avoid. We think it means that we’re not getting on with the person, that we’re not suited as a couple, that the other person is boring, or even worse, they’ll think we’re boring.

We stave off stillness by making sure we’re in the company of others at every possible moment. And if we’re alone when we go for a walk or jog, we have the iPod buds firmly placed in our ears. We flick radio channels as we drive. We watch television or read until our eyes are falling shut at night. Stillness makes us uncomfortable as it may lead to reflection, to feelings, to questioning and to doubt. We don’t allow ourselves to have an individual thought outside of the media’s collective mindset. We have the same opinions as Ray D’Arcy. We want to resemble the newest neighbour on “Desperate Housewives”. We fear what “RTÉ News” wants us to fear.

Everything must be fast and bright and convenient. If a webpage takes too long to load, we reach for the mobile to send a text. We run to make tea during the ad break. We do the ironing as our children tell us about their day. We eat to suppress the feared emotions that stillness might awaken.

I’m a prime example of someone who isn’t happy with myself unless I’m doing. I listen to the radio as I walk or prepare a meal. When I’m at home, I’m usually online. If my phone doesn’t beep for a while, I feel lonely. Duvet days fill me with self-loathing. I’m constantly doing, doing, doing until the moment I drop off to sleep. It’s only recently that I’ve come to this understanding, this awareness of how hard I am on myself. Yes, I still want to do. But I also want to be able to just be. And it’s how I react to myself when I’m not doing that I’m working on changing.

Why change it, you might ask? It’s good to be doing, to keep busy, to be the best you can be. But sometimes stillness forces itself upon us in the form of illness, or a traffic jam, or a snow storm. We panic. How can we survive being still? Are we no longer acceptable if we’re not doing? Are we worthless somehow? Take note of the next time you’re flung into stillness, how you react, and how much you learn from it.

As Eckhart Tolle pointed out, this fear of simply “being” instead of always “doing” is partly why we don’t want to grow older. We can’t accept ourselves as valid human beings unless we’re always “doing”. We often don’t value the wisdom of the elderly as they, deservedly, sit back and muse on life. We are called “human beings” not “human doings”. So why do we find it so hard to just be?

Stillness isn’t something to get through as quickly as possible. Stillness is something we should be seeking out regularly. Our bodies need time to rejuvenate. Our minds need time to switch off.

Here are some ways to experience the wonder of stillness:

1) Live in the present moment

Living in the past brings on feelings of regret, sadness and longing. Living in the future creates pangs of apprehension and worry. It is when you relax into the stillness of the present moment that you can truly be yourself, and be at peace. Observe what is around you, feel the warmth or coolness of the air, inhale the perfume of the present moment.

2) Meditate

Meditation is an excellent method of transporting you to the stillness within yourself. Meditation expands your mind and awakens your inner power. If meditation is too big a step for you right now, try yoga or Pilates, or simply sit and take a couple of deep breaths. Just give yourself a few moments a day to be still. Here’s a relaxing Buddhist Meditation clip… 

3) Be quiet

It’s very hard to be still when there’s constant music or radio chatter in your ear. The next time you’re going for a walk in the countryside, take out your ear phones for even just a few minutes. Listen to the sound of the running river, of the singing birds. Stop your power walk to inhale the scent of the yellow furze, to inspect the colour and shape of the berries, to look up at the amazing blue sky. Close your eyes and feel the sunbeams dance across your cheeks.

4) Change routine

Instead of watching TV, reading or listening to music any time you’re not busy with work or with other people, take a moment to be still with yourself. Ask yourself how you’re feeling instead of running from such a supposedly scary scenario. Maybe your body’s been screaming at you that it’s exhausted, stressed, or sad but you’ve been too busy doing, and life has been too loud for you to hear it. If you take time to enjoy stillness every day, you’ll prevent yourself from getting sick. From staying too long in an unhappy relationship or soul-destroying job. When you’re more in tune with your body’s needs, you’re guaranteed to experience a much happier and healthier version of yourself.

5) Go with it

The next time you’re feeling tired or unwell, go with it. Your body is very clever. If you would only listen to it once in a while, it would tell you all you need to know. “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, “This doesn’t feel right”. If you’re lacking motivation, don’t give out to yourself for being lazy. Your body may just need to rest. Don’t beat yourself up about going for a nap in the middle of the day or missing work or a class here and there. The sooner you embrace the stillness, the more invigorated you’ll become afterwards. You will find that you’re much more creative, energetic, and positive as a result.

Stillness is probably the least talked about self-help tool even though it brings about health, inner calm and positivity. Stillness will remove you from the madness of society and place you in a higher, more peaceful realm. Stillness will set you free.

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Singledom: the undiscovered land of the free

Posted on January 4, 2011 | 3 comments

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think single life is something to be survived. It’s rather something to embrace. When you’re single, you only have yourself to worry about. You can do what you want when you want. You can sprawl star-shaped across your bed. You can watch reality TV to your heart’s content and never have to compromise. My motto is: You’re better off being single than being in a bad relationship. Some people are so afraid of being alone but you’re never lonelier than lying beside someone who doesn’t care for you or respect you.

Despite my views, I’ve decided to write about how to survive single life because we are conditioned to believe that our lives will not start until we meet “the one”. I believe that we have many “ones” out there. It’s a matter of timing. We’ll meet them when we’re ready and open to it. It’s very important to be in the right head space when you hook up with someone, otherwise you’re going to attract in someone who isn’t good for you.

The movies we’ve been watching since early childhood make meeting that special someone seem like THE most important thing in life. The ending is only satisfactory if the dizzy but adorable heroine and her floppy-haired love interest declare their undying love for each other. Heart felt love songs spout about all-consuming love, soul mates and near death heart ache. Some people think they won’t be happy and their lives won’t properly commence until they meet their future spouses.

And the type of love we’re all searching for is like some form of voluntary disease. We want to lose our appetites and ability to sleep, reason, and function. We want to miss them terribly when they’re not around. To sob into pillows and long-suffering friends’ shoulders when there’s any glitch in this supposedly perfect relationship.

Why can’t the “twin flame” type of love be romanticised? The type of love where you find a wonderful friend, who you’re attracted to, and you live your lives together in content companionship. Where you can both do your own thing and be apart from each other without one of you melting down in jealousy and neediness.

And so, as we sleep walk through our single lives, while desperately seeking our soul mates, here’s how to survive:

1) Be proactive

If you really want to settle down, don’t be fooled by those cheesy romantic comedies. You’re probably not going to lock eyes with your soul mate as you accidentally bump trolleys in Tesco. Stop waiting for it to happen. Get out there and up your chances. Try internet dating, for example. It’s become less of a stigma to become involved in virtual flirtations. Many of us interact more online than in the real world anyway, with the prevalence of Facebook, Twitter and online video games. So, lash up a cute photo of yourself, and present your witty, lovable self to the world of online dating. Don’t worry. I’ve tried it. It’s not full of weirdo geeks and serial killers. Many people simply don’t have the time, energy or lust to go out two or three nights a week any more. And as one guy ranted, “You’re just as likely to meet someone online as you are drunk in a club at 2am”. Even if nothing serious comes of it, you’ll chat to some interesting people, and get a few dates out of it. Another Friend is an example of an Irish dating website.

2) Get word out

Let your friends and work colleagues know that you’re on the market. Not many can resist the challenge of playing match maker. Before you know it, you’ll be invited to many the house party/work do/concert, where, conveniently, you’ll be introduced to “the nicest person ever who just can’t seem to find that special someone”. Snap! Even if you don’t fancy each other, at least your social life will flourish.

3) Nights out

Though we constantly complain about the price of the pint and the local club’s astronomical entrance fee, and the lack of potential in our home towns, a night out seems to do it for a lot of couples. Many’s the long-term pairing meet on the dance floor. Having said that, I don’t think the club scene is ideal. Women go there to find a boyfriend. Men go there to get laid. The men are often drunk and grabby and the women dress provocatively and dance sexilly with their female friends to get the men horny, then bitch when the men just want to sleep with them and don’t take their numbers. The pub scene is much better. It’s that bit more casual and the drunkenness hasn’t yet reached a debilitating level.

Beware- don’t go on nights out purely to find someone. Otherwise, any evening that doesn’t end in a snog/number exchange will be a disappointing waste. Go out with people you have a laugh with, put on your favourite outfit, and get your dance on.

4) Do something different

If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got. So, if you’ve been going to the same club for the last 10 years, and still haven’t met anyone good enough to introduce to the ould pair, stop going there! Try a weekend by the sea and get chatting to some fun-loving surfers. Go skiing. Join a backpacking group around Central America. Camp at a cool festival either in Ireland or some unusual European destination. Try on the Traena festival on a tiny northern Norwegian island for size. Start a hill walking or book club. Take a class in meditation. Log on to a social networking site that specialises in creating a community. Check out Yelp, a review website where you can stretch your writing muscles, participate in hilarious Talk threads, attend fun, free events and meet some interesting new people.

5) Do your own thing

Don’t wait for that mysterious stranger to sidle on side stage for the action to begin. Get a life. Find something you’re passionate about, be it your job, studies, sport, hobby, or all of the above. If you’re busy and enjoying it, you’ll have little time to worry about your non-existent other half. You want to be a whole person first, then you can meet another whole person with whom you can start a relationship. Relationships based on neediness are a recipe for disaster. As someone pointed out to me, “A half multiplied by a half equals a quarter.” If you both enter into love expecting the other person to complete you, expect mayhem.

6) Live it up!

It’s usually when I’m single or just out of a relationship that I learn most about myself and take a huge leap forward. When you’re unattached, you have time to take up Tai Chi, go for long walks by the river, hang out with mates and laugh ’til you cry. You can book that trip to China. Enjoy girlie chats or nights out with the lads. Follow that exercise regime/new diet. Get a makeover. Watch The Notebook for the forty-fifth time. Flirt your ass of with every cutie in the club. Go on dates.

Just make the most of it and enjoy it, because when you’re (finally) part of a couple, you may not have as much time or leeway to do all these fun and spontaneous things. You’ll even find yourself getting jealous of your single mates’ escapades. Grass is always greener…

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New Year’s: new year, new you, new hangover

Posted on January 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

New Year’s is supposed to be a time of celebration, new beginnings, and good intentions. It’s when we all sit down and ponder the past 365 days; the highs, the lows, and what we’ve achieved (or not). Many of us write a list of new year’s resolutions, certain that this year will be our year. We will do that triathlon, lose two and a half stone, learn Chinese, persevere with those didgeridoo lessons, cook more, eat healthily, start belly dancing classes, study more, stop skipping classes, yadda yadda yadda.

If, however, you don’t have that special someone to smooch when the clock strikes midnight, you know in your heart and soul that you’ll never stop visiting Abrakebabra once you’ve had more than five pints, you’ve spent the last couple of weeks indulging in rich food, alcohol and cigarettes, and you’re peeling yourself out of bed at 2pm on the first day of the new year, with booze leaking from every pore, you may argue that there’s little to feel enthusiastic about.

First of all, let’s deal with New Year’s Eve. This glittering, expensive event masquerades itself as “The Night of Most Promise”. To avoid disappointment, it should be renamed “The Biggest Let Down of the Year”. If you accept this, anything remotely fun that happens will be a welcome shock. People plan for this event ages in advance, they squeeze themselves into their best attire, and pay a fortune to ring in the new year surrounded by other desperate revellers.

Here are some tips on how to survive this bittersweet evening…

1. Do something different

Go somewhere you’ve never been. I don’t know about you but spending New Year’s in the same club you’ve been throwing money at since you were 17 is hardly going to make you feel positive about how far you’ve come in life. Ring in the new year in a coastal country pub, singing along to “Raglan Road” and cheersing the intoxicated locals. Or venture further afield. Visit a cool European city. Go for a week’s skiing in Austria. There’s nothing like falling on your ass in the snow, then boozing it up in your thermals for the après–ski with your fit instructors to give you a good laugh as the new year makes it entrance. Alternatively, spend it in a developing country where Christmas and New Year’s aren’t heavily marketed and this time is more about family, hard work and survival. Or go to a Muslim land where New Year’s doesn’t even fall on the same day. You needn’t worry about suffering an anti-climax there.

2. Don’t beat yourself up

Yes, you promised yourself that you’d welcome the new year in a sober and non-hungover state. But if there’s ever a night to let the hair down, it’s this one. It’d be rude not to cheers the new year with that double vodka and Red Bull and then toast it again with a Flaming Lamborghini  just to be sure. Tell yourself that the new year only commences when you’re back in work so you’re allowed to spend the first of January dragging yourself from the bed to the newsagent’s deli to the couch.

3. Stay in

Okay, this sounds terribly depressing but if this dreaded night has been a major let down for at least three years in a row, then cut your losses and sit in. At least you’re saving money and you won’t smell like the inside of a beer barrel for the premiere of the new year. I spent two New Year’s Eves on my own. Yes, when the clock chimed midnight, I did feel like I was missing out, and I did feel more alone than ever, but that lasted all of a minute and then I was back to the salt and vinegar Pringles and whatever movie had taken my fancy.

4. Work

If you have no major plans, you could welcome the new year with some extra cash in the bank. Many employers offer extra pay and brownie points for knuckling down on this much-celebrated evening. Plus, your co-workers will thank you for allowing them to spend it with their loved ones. They can suck it up and work for you when you actually get a life.

5. House party

Have or attend a house party. It’ll be less expensive and you won’t have to battle crowds to get to the bar/loo/dance floor. Just make sure the other guests are a bit of craic. You don’t want to spend the night with a bunch of negative whingers. Check out this clip for what not to do. 

6. Don’t get too drunk

I spent one New Year’s Eve at a concert in The Point. I had clearly drank too much as I spent the latter part of the evening with my head over a toilet bowl. Being confronted by a reflection of yourself in the shimmering loo water with mascara running down your face, as you hear your friends gleefully count down to midnight, is enough to make you swear off liquor for life.

And once you’ve gotten over the night of drunken fights and tears, emotional embraces and tonsil tennis, you can get around to making that shining list of New Year’s Resolutions. Writing down one’s intentions is a lovely way to feel positive about your life in the new year. Some believe that we can create our own reality by the power of positive thinking so why not put it out to the Universe?! If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Think of it as a Santa list you send up the chimney. For adults. Here’s how to go about it:

1. Don’t do it

If you’re the type who constantly bitches and moans at oneself for not doing stuff, then simply don’t make a list. It’ll be just another reason to beat yourself up for not jogging three miles a day or learning how to bone a duck.

2. Be realistic

Don’t promise to save more than you can afford. Because either you’ll get evicted from your rented accommodation or you’ll feel bad for not fulfilling your resolution. I’m the very one who’ll decide to exercise, study, write, cook, read, and meditate every single day of the week, and then realise there aren’t enough hours in the day to do all this, unless I skip work, stay up all night, and avoid friends and family, so I end up doing none of the above and feeling rotten about myself.

3. Make it positive

Don’t make it a list of hard rules, “don’ts” and “shoulds”. This list can be inspiring and fun. If it’s all about denying and pushing yourself, you’ll be exhausted before you even tackle resolution number one. Add nice resolutions like “I will have fun and enjoy myself this year” or “I will not take life so seriously”. Decide to try something new and exciting like a class in carpentry or dance, or plan a trip to some far-flung, exotic destination.

4. Give yourself a get-out clause

If you’re finding something too tough or time-consuming, allow yourself to be the editor of your own list. You have the authority to chop and change it. Feel free to add new things throughout the year. The first of January isn’t the absolute only day you can begin a new regime. You might be too tired after all the Christmas celebrations to come up with a great list. Once the days start expanding and the sunshine favours our little island again, our energy increases, and this might be a more ideal time to create that list of good intentions.

5. Revision

Don’t just write the list, enjoy a week-long burst of good work, and then lose the piece of paper and your will to continue. Re-read the list every so often and monitor your progress. Don’t be afraid to pat yourself on the back for what you’ve achieved so far. Revise it and don’t get angry with yourself for not being the star pupil of new year’s resolutions. Be aware that it’s pretty impossible to follow up on every single pointer on the list. You probably had a fair idea you wouldn’t be able to master the imperfect tense in modern Arabic, let alone read the Qur’an in its original form.

My advice is to just have fun. Many of us take everything way too seriously. Life is about enjoying yourself as much as possible and being the best you can be. So, enjoy your New Year’s Eve, even if you do snog the village idiot just so you can have someone at midnight. And be thankful that a new year is commencing and the road ahead is full of possibility. This year can be the best one yet. You’re the one who can make it happen. So do.

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Heart-break: when your other half leaves, are you just 50 per cent there?

Posted on December 30, 2010 | 2 comments

You know that moment when you’ve lost someone. It’s in their eyes. The way they don’t look at you. And suddenly, your hand on their neck feels unwelcome. The sweet name you’re about to call them sticks in your throat. That person is no longer there for you.

He’s driving me home. Doing the right thing. He’s not a bad person. But he’s got many issues and for that, I know it’s for the best that it’s over. But logic and heart ache reside in two separate parts of the body and I can’t reconcile the two. Not yet.

When it’s over, I return to my apartment. I walk from room to room. We danced to Mumford and Sons on the radio right here. He wrapped himself in my blanket there. We ate a fry at that table. We bathed here and washed each others’ hair.

Then, there’s the bedroom. I sink onto the bed and find a dark hair on the sheet. The pillow smells of him. The tears come now.

I want him to take this pain away. But he’s not here for me any more. I have to do this myself.

Here’s how to survive heart-break:

1. Grieve the loss

I’ve found myself sobbing on the bedroom floor for more than one break up. I’ve mourned the loss of the dark-eyed, curly-headed children that my ex-husband and I would now never have. A friend of mine walked around her house wailing for three nights straight. It may seem excessive, uncomfortable and annoying for your flat mates or family but just get it out.

2. Talk it out

With family. With friends. Go for coffee/dinner/drinks. Your loved ones are bound to make you laugh, point out what a dick head he was anyway, and tell you how amazing you are. That’s not gonna hurt.

3. Go on a night out

Get all dolled up. Have a laugh with your friends. Get tipsy. Get chatted up. Maybe even kiss a guy. After any break up, my cousin used to ask me, “Have you erased him yet?” Meaning: “Have you kissed another guy yet, which will erase the last guy?” Easier said than done. And sometimes being with a new guy will just make you miss your last one even more. But just know that you’re desirable and there is hope for the future.

Drinking a lot may seem like a great idea at the time. But the next day, the blues could hit you even harder than before. Just be aware that it’s the alcohol and sleep it off as best you can.

4. Stop all contact

I’ve fallen into being friends with an ex, which does not help you get over the guy. You’re constantly being reminded of him, and maybe secretly hoping that he’ll realise you’re “the one”. I removed my last ex as a friend on Facebook, then bawled my eyes out. It was so final. But better in the long run.

5. Holiday!

Think Shirley Valentine or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Nothing like sunshine and a totally foreign location to get a new perspective on things. Even having a break to look forward to will beat off the post relationship depression.

6. Read A New Earth by Eckart Tolle

This might seem really specific but it worked for me. This book has changed many lives. The way Mr Tolle speaks about the ego, identification, attachment, love and relationships is revelational.

If you’re madly in love, beware. We’ve all grown up with certain ideas about love that come from sickly sweet romantic comedies and slit-your-wrist love songs. We’re all familiar with declarations such as “I can’t live if living is without you” and “You complete me”. No wonder when a relationship ends, we doubt we’ll survive.

The truth is, if we love ourselves and are happy with our lives, the loss of a person, though disappointing, should not turn our world completely upside down. This might be strange or hard for a lot of you to read but the way Eckhart Tolle describes being “in love” makes a lot of sense. He talks about being in love with someone because they fit into the categories you want from a partner. They’re tall, dark and handsome. Or maybe you’re just in a good mood. Have you ever felt really happy and then proclaimed your love for someone? I know I have. It had more to do with how I was feeling than my love for that person. Eckhart Tolle also says that the Spanish way of saying “I love you” (“Te quiero“) literally translates as “I want you”, which is far more honest. You want that person for yourself. You want to control how they behave. And then when you lose that control, love can so easily turn into hate. If your partner does something you don’t like, you can despise them in moments. They cheat on you. They don’t love you any more. They leave you.

If you’re having problems with heart ache, read this book. It’ll change the way you think about love and about life in general. Check out Eckhart Tolle TV for some clips of the man himself speaking…

7. List of cons

My sister told me to write a list of all the reasons why you and your ex are not good together, all the shitty things he’s done to you, how his willy is tiny, etc. If Eckhart Tolle is too spiritual for ya, at least this list will give you a bit of a kick.

8. Remember other exes

This sounds dangerous but when I broke up with my last partner, I remembered how bad I felt when I ended things with previous exes and how, now, I couldn’t give a shit about them. I am so over them. Which means I will be so over this guy soon. Time is a great healer. And if you follow rule number four, it’ll happen sooner rather than later.

If this was your first love, talk to others who’ve been through heart-break before. Know you’re not alone in this. And look at them now as they have fun being single or are happy out in their new relationships.

Check out this video of the hilarious Flight of the Conchords. Laughter really is the best medicine…

Everyone suffers heart ache at some point. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one to death or divorce, to circumstances or someone else, it hurts like hell. But we can survive it. And when we start a new relationship with someone better and much more suitable, who treats you as you deserve, you won’t regret a moment of the heart-break you’ve gone through. It will be worth it.

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Hello random (but very welcome) internet surfer!

Posted on December 30, 2010 | Leave a comment

I am 30 years old and I am a survivor. You’re a survivor too, dear reader. And that’s why we’re going to get along.

But life is about more than just surviving. The world is an astonishingly magnificent place. Yes, it can be full of hardship, pain and suffering. But it’s also full of love, laughter, sharing and learning. In this blog, I’m going to give tips on how to survive the challenges we all come across. I’ll reveal some of the heart breaking and hilarious episodes from my life.

I don’t claim to be an expert, psychoanalyst, spiritual leader or even the new Oprah Winfrey. I’m just a survivor who loves to write and to share.

In reality, surviving these obstacles is a lot more challenging than simply following a list of tips but I hope that my stories and recommendations will help you on your journey, give you ideas, and make you realise that you are not alone. And I’m sure you’ll come up with a few useful tips of your own.

Please feel free to make comments, and to divulge some of your stories and advice. Let’s take this journey together. To survival and beyond.

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