Reap what you Sow

I just received a gift. A big one. I am shocked and delighted. And I can see how much pleasure these extremely generous people are deriving from my reaction. Yet there is an element of resistance within me. It’s like I feel it is unfair for me to be presented with this when other people would have to work hard to get it.

For the past number of months, every morning before I get out of bed and sometimes before I fall asleep, I’ve been giving gratitude for all the wonderful aspects of my life. For those who haven’t heard of the law of attraction, the theory is that whatever you put your attention on multiplies. I don’t believe it’s really about material manifestations. Rather, it involves generating more of that beautiful feeling of gratitude, and this means creating more things in your life that you’re grateful for.

So even though I hadn’t specifically asked for this, and a part of me feels oddly guilty upon receiving it, my attitude of gratitude is working. Clearly, I have issues I need to be aware of. So I can start believing I deserve good things in my life. So I can understand that guilt is a useless, destructive emotion. So I can realise that things don’t have to be difficult. And so I can stop caring what others might think of me. If I manage to achieve all that, who knows what other exciting surprises are just around the corner.

I want amazing things for you too so I suggest that you start practising gratitude daily. Keep a gratitude journal or mentally list off a number of things you’re thankful for each day. And watch the little (and large) miracles that come your way. Enjoy. You deserve it.

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picstopin.com

Broken Windows

Since injuring my back at the gym on Sunday, I’ve had to take it easy. This means not doing my usual workout routine. And it’s been hard. I joined the gym in January and, while I signed up because I enjoy exercising and sweating and being healthy, I’ve also delighted in toning up, wearing tighter outfits and having people tell me that I look amazing. Who wouldn’t, right?

Part of me knew that I shouldn’t put too much value on my physical appearance. It’s dangerous attaching how good you’re feeling to something so transient. And another part of me told myself to relish it while it lasted. Which may also be saying something about an unconscious belief that good things don’t last very long. But that’s another day’s work (or blog post).

So, I haven’t been able to hit the gym this week and I noticed my mood dipping a little. I started wearing looser clothing as though I’d gained weight in just a few days. Another reason for feeling out of sorts was that I’d been, quite literally, stopped in my tracks. I had to accept the situation and understand that these things happen for a reason. There was a learning here somewhere (lots of lessons, in fact) if I were to cease feeling sorry for myself long enough to go looking.

Gretchen Rubin writes about the “broken windows theory” of policing, which holds that when a society tolerates minor crimes such as broken windows, graffiti and drinking in public, people are more likely to commit more serious crimes. Rubin suggests that this can also be true on a personal level. These are the signs of disorder that make you feel out of control and overwhelmed. For me, they are not leaving the house all day, not getting my class preparation done and not exercising. Rubin says that enforcing small signs of order makes us feel more in control and happier.

The theory makes sense and it’s great to get things done and to look after yourself. However, this does not mean being rigid. Sometimes, we have to let go of control or we’ll end up miserable. Life happens. We cannot base our happiness on how we think we should look or on how much exercise we feel we should be getting. If we have too many “broken windows” and those shattered panes are destroying our inner peace, we need to look at building the inner peace and self-love and to hell with the windows for a while.

This week, I’ve been watching TV series GirlsThe main character is a 24-year-old writer who’s carrying a bit of extra weight. She gets lots of men and struts around naked. The more I’m watching, the more I’m used to seeing a fleshier actress. This goes to show that the more exposed we are to skinny celebrities, the more we believe that this is the way we all should look. It’s refreshing to watch a show where the characters’ appearances are a little more normal. Even the sexiest female character has a bit of belly and often doesn’t wear a scrap of makeup. And she’s still a beauty. A natural one.

In one of the episodes, leading lady Hannah admits that she’s just like everyone else, that she wants to be happy. That she feels alone. And that she’d been trying to control the way things happened and how she was feeling. Isn’t that why we do what we do in life? To feel happier, less alone and more in control? Why we diet and exercise? Why we purchase new clothes and cut our hair? Why we study for exams and work? Why we save money and buy houses? Why we search for partners and start families?

But beneath the need for happiness, connection and control is a longing for love. And where better to begin than with yourself? Just because. No only-whens and only-ifs. Unconditional love. If you had that, you wouldn’t need to do anything, have anything or control anything. It wouldn’t disappear as soon as your job or relationship ended. It wouldn’t crumble when you gained weight or grew older. It wouldn’t elude you until you had a house and a successful career. It would be a part of you always. It is you. You’ve just forgotten. It’s already there. And it strengthens with use. Today, instead of going to the gym, I choose to exercise my unconditional love. It’s tougher than any workout but the reward makes it so worthwhile.

im not beautiful like you

Building Blocks

Today, I overheard a man ask a woman a rather unusual question: “What would you do if you had a big bag of feathers and the wind caught it and blew the feathers all over the place?” I couldn’t hear the woman’s response but she looked indignant. The man considered his companion’s answer before saying: “You should see it as a challenge. You should look at what kind of day it is and enjoy picking up each and every feather.”

I felt like I needed to hear this strange conversation. Just earlier, I had read an article that caught my attention because its title was “Having a Low Point is Actually a Good Thing”. And tonight, a friend was texting me about living in the present moment. Yet again, life was waving a giant banner in my line of sight until I could ignore it no longer.

I’ve written a lot about acceptance and being present yet I still struggle when I trip up. It was only a few days ago when I stumbled upon (excuse the pun) this quote: “The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping-stones is how you use them.” Even though I believe that everything happens for a reason, I grow impatient every once in a while. I curse my “bad luck”. I wonder if I’ll ever have all the things I want to have. I try to control when things happen and what they’re going to look like. I know it’s foolish. And I know it’s impossible to forecast the outcome of every situation. Woody Allen once said: If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” 

I realise that what I think would be best for me may in fact limit me in the long run. This is why, when people ask God or The Universe for something, they add: “This or something better.” I can’t tell what wonderful things are waiting for me in the wings. But I do know that worrying about the future or feeling lack instead of abundance is not helping me get where I want to get or, more importantly, enjoy where I am right now.

Tonight, as I flicked through Thich Nhat Hanh’s Anger, I came across a simple meditation. It involves silently saying these words: “Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. In, out.” Now, that is taking life moment by moment. It may appear boring or tedious or frustrating but it is simple. And simple is exactly what I need. In, out. Here, now. Feather by beautiful feather.

Alive

On Sunday, I put my back out at the gym. For the rest of the day, I was in a considerable amount of pain and could hardly move. I felt rather sorry for myself as I lay in bed. I was cranky and bored. I realised that I don’t make a very good patient. In fact, I am incredibly impatient because I want to get better quickly so that I can do all the things I had planned.

Last night, I went to see The Sessions in The Riverbank Arts Centre. The movie is based on a man with polio who was mostly paralysed from the neck down. He was a poet and a journalist with a great sense of humour. Despite his predicament, he was able to reach out to experience life and love.

This morning, I sipped a soy latte in the Keadeen Hotel while a large group of deaf people laughed and signed excitedly beside me. They were full of fun and togetherness.

And I just watched a clip from The Saturday Night Show with 16-year-old Donal Walsh who is terminally ill with cancer. This brave, inspiring young man spoke out about suicide and how he is grateful for every extra day he has to live. He hopes that his death will make people appreciate life more. He is sad to be leaving behind all the beautiful things of this world. Since his prognosis, he has given up school, travelled, and raised over €50,000 for Our Lady’s Children’s Hospital in Crumlin.

It was as though I was being constantly reminded of how lucky I am and how I need to put things into perspective. A healthy or seemingly perfect life may not be as rich as the lives  of some of these so-called dying or disabled people. If you are able to open yourself to love, able to share and enjoy the wonderful moments of life with family and friends, able to laugh and learn and experience, and able to really live life, then you are truly blessed. It is then that you are really alive.

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Wake Me Up Inside

I woke up crying. I had just dreamt that I heard that a guy I’d met a couple of times last summer was coming over to my family home. It was late, I was in my pyjamas, I looked tired and wasn’t wearing any makeup. I quickly threw on a bra and T-shirt and started applying some makeup. My brother ran upstairs, grabbed something and said, “We’re going out.” I heard the door slam. I stopped putting on makeup. My sister came into the bathroom and announced, “That guy is hot but they’re gone to a night-club.”

I exploded: “I am so angry with both of them. I put on a bra! And makeup.” My sister scrunched up her face. I continued: “He obviously doesn’t care about me. I feel so alone. I just feel awful.” I knew that I was overreacting, that this shouldn’t make me feel so bad, that this was a core issue that kept resurfacing. My sister hugged me.

As I lay there early this morning, I realised that this went deep. I also recognised that, if this was a core belief of mine, it would continue to come up in relationships with men, and even with friends, family and the larger whole. I would create situations time and again that would “make” me feel unloved and alone.

As I was preparing for a Positive Living class yesterday, I remembered this quote by Anaïs Nin: “We see things not as they are but as we are.” In other words, we tend to view things from our own perspective. What’s happened in the past can colour things for us in the future. I guess it comes back to living in the present moment.

I don’t know how to shift this completely but I do know that awareness is crucial. If a scenario arises again where I feel this way, I will be able to see that it could be my stuff and not the other person or circumstance. I can decide to release these emotions, to let go, to stop replaying the old record because it’s not relevant any more. Already, I am loving and caring about myself. I am opening myself to love and connection. I am aware and awake and I’ve stopped crying.

Twists and Turns

Last night, I dreamed that I was chatting with the band members of Kodaline (a talented Irish band). I learned that they had gone through tough times but are now doing very well for themselves and are currently number one in the Irish charts. I woke thinking about how what we perceive to be failures or catastrophes are, in the grand scheme of things, exactly what is meant to happen at that time in order to bring us to where we need to be.

And because synchronicity works in wonderful ways, this morning I received an email from TUT saying: “Only in hindsight, Sharon, will the miracles become obvious, will you see you were guided, and will you find there was order all along.”

I’ve quoted this before but it’s worth repeating: “It will be okay in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” As Wayne Dyer suggests, we are being taken care of. Recently, I was driving in what I was sure to be the wrong direction yet I wound up exactly where I wanted to be. Afterwards, I realised that this was a good analogy for the journey of life and the “wrong” turns we often make. Instead of cursing our bad luck, wouldn’t it be easier to have faith? To trust in Divine Timing. To remember our elders’ words: “What’s for you won’t pass you by.”

I’ve had relationships end and I felt heartbroken at the time. Now, I’m so grateful that I’m no longer with any of those partners as we would have been miserable together. In fact, I was feeling so depressed over a guy that I started this blog. For a short stint of suffering, I’ve gained over two years of writing and I’m still thoroughly enjoying it. I’ve had hardship in my life but that’s what has gotten me into the line of work I’m doing. If I hadn’t had those experiences, I wouldn’t have the compassion and understanding that allows me to help others.

Sometimes, things end and we struggle against it but what it’s doing is leaving a space for something better to come along. I know people who were made redundant in the past few years. Of course, they felt extremely worried and dismayed but now they’re pursuing lines of work that they’re passionate about.

Others have had unexpected pregnancies and they believed that their lives were over. But it was the beginning (quite literally) of a new life and most of them wouldn’t change it for the world.

My aunt was working in the catering industry when she fell into a deep fat fryer. She spent a year in hospital and, as a result, decided to go into nursing. And that is how she met the man she married.

My mother and her friends were island hopping in Greece one summer. They had arranged to meet someone on the island of Paros. When they heard the announcement “Antiparos”, they presumed they should change boats. They ended up on a tiny island called Antiparos and fell in love with the place. And that’s where my mother met my father. And how I (and then my brother and sister) came into being.

If we were to let go of the need to control the outcome of everything, we wouldn’t get so disappointed or stressed. So when something you’re looking forward to is cancelled, consider other options. And the next time you’re running late for something, don’t go into fight or flight mode. Chill out. It’s not a huge deal. Do your health a favour and relax. Perhaps you weren’t meant to be in that place at that particular time. We’ve all heard stories of people who couldn’t make it somewhere no matter how hard they tried and this “stroke of fate” saved their lives.

Instead of fussing over what you think is going wrong in your life, try accepting that everything happens for a reason. There’s a lesson to be learned here. This is preparing you for something bigger and better than you ever imagined. Yes, we have free will. But we can also have faith and trust and surrender. Let go and enjoy the ride.

Under Pressure

This morning, I travelled to Dublin for a seminar which was cancelled. I arrived home with a free day to spare. It occurred to me that I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t set aside much time for fun and relaxation. I’ve been occupied with work, courses and going to the gym. And even when I have a couple of hours in the evening, I haven’t been able to sit still long enough to watch a movie or even a television programme.

It’s good for our ego when we’re busy. Society is so obsessed with doing doing doing. Laziness is frowned upon. One must constantly be striving, improving, achieving and accomplishing. People love to tell us about their hectic schedules and full timetables. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of nonaction once in a while. In fact, the Chinese insist upon it as part of their medicine. Resting, relaxing and doing things we enjoy is all part of boosting our Yin. In everyday language, it’s called having a work-play-rest balance.

We all know how it is when we have too much on. We become cranky and overwhelmed. Little things get to us. We’re irritable and exhausted. Everything takes more of an effort. And when we do take a break, it’s extremely difficult to switch off and unwind. That’s why holidays are vital as it can take a while before the body and mind fully relax. It’s also important to set aside some time to be quiet and alone on a regular basis. Perhaps in the countryside or by the sea. And away from your phone and internet.

This week, the importance of self-care has become very apparent to me. If we don’t look after ourselves, how can we hope to be of any use to anybody else? It’s like when the air hostess advises us, in case of emergency, to apply our own oxygen masks before attending to young children. Otherwise, nobody would survive. This is not being selfish. This is being smart.

Being nice to yourself comes with extraordinary health benefits. So this afternoon, I’m going to light my stove and curl up in a big blanket with a mug of tea and a couple of episodes of Modern Family.

For more on boosting Yin energy, read here.

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What a pain!

I came across an interesting quote in a book last week. It went something like this: “The purpose of all suffering is the development of compassion.” For the past few days, I’ve been suffering with a pain in my right hip. I’ve noticed that, because of this pain, I haven’t been in as good form or as present as I had been.

As I was crossing the street this morning, a car came towards me. I decided not to run as I was afraid my hip would crack out of place. I remembered those times that I felt angered by people who sauntered in front of me as I drove. I thought such pedestrians were cocky and the dark side of me had wanted to rev up and give them a fright. Today, I realised that perhaps some of those people were physically unable to speed up.

The other night, a friend was describing his travels in India. He had stayed with a number of Catholic families on his way. He couldn’t get over their unshakable faith. He said that, each morning as they rose, they gave gratitude that they were alive for one more day. They were utterly joyous. They even gave gratitude for the “negative” parts of their lives. In fact, it was the first thing they did upon hearing bad news. They believed that everything was unfolding exactly as it should.

My attitude regarding my hip was wrong. It certainly wasn’t serving me in any positive way. I was annoyed that it wasn’t disappearing immediately, I was frustrated that I wasn’t able to do as much in the gym, I didn’t want to look like a cripple as I walked, and I was afraid that it wouldn’t get better. I decided to shift my attitude to gratitude.

Perhaps I was given this pain to, quite literally, stop me in my tracks. Maybe I needed to rest more or look at or change something in my life. This pain was also lending me compassion and understanding for others. Each time I winced as I moved, I remembered my aunt who’s been suffering with chronic hip and back pain for many years. I thought of clients who’ve told me of their debilitating pains. I’d always wanted to help these people but now I actually understood how they were really feeling.

Recently, Denise Linn spoke on Hay House Radio about steps for releasing fear. One of the steps was to give it new meaning. She asked, “What could be really good about it?” One of the answers she gave was cultivating compassion for others. This step can be used with any unwanted emotion or circumstance. It also allows you to face, allow, accept and even embrace the situation.

I still have the pain and I’m still struggling with the resting part of the equation but I am aware of the extra understanding and compassion I’ve gained as a result of this. Simply bringing acceptance to it is a relief. It takes away the struggle, the resistance, the fight. This even helps me physically as I’m letting go of the emotions that are causing tightness and rigidity in my body. And when I add gratitude, I remember the Indian families my friend spoke about and I feel humbled.

“The purpose of all suffering is the development of compassion.” Alicia Lee (2010) Homeopathic Mind Maps: Remedies of the Animal Kingdom.

You, Guru

Tonight I watched Kumaréa documentary about a man who impersonates an Indian guru. Having become disillusioned with religion and faith, gurus and masters, Vikram Gandhi decides to fake it. He adopts an Indian accent, grows out his hair and beard, and sports orange robes and a comical staff.

Before long, Sri Kumaré has gathered a loyal following for his self-made teachings, pushing the boundaries as far as he can. It is amazing but not all that surprising to see how readily people believe and how willingly they devote themselves to him.

It is not Vikram’s intention to fool or humiliate these people. He simply wants to demonstrate that there is a guru within each and every one of us. That we already have all the answers. That we don’t need to give our power away by looking outside of ourselves for guidance. That we shouldn’t have to follow anyone else’s orders or advice. Sri Kumaré tells his devotees: “You are all great beings and you must stop pretending that you are not.”

Interestingly, Vikram realises that his new persona is the best version of himself. He is happier and more loving and connected than he ever was as Vikram Gandhi. But he must unveil the illusion in order to teach his lesson. By revealing who he really is, he hopes to reveal the guru inside each of his followers. And speaking of revealing, don’t worry, I’m not about to give away the ending.

In India, the greeting “Namaste” is frequently used. It means “I bow to you” and it is accompanied with a slight bow made with hands pressed together in front of the chest. The gesture represents the belief that there is a divine spark within each of us. I love the idea of saluting the divinity in every person I encounter. But it must start with oneself.

An old Zen koan attributed to Linji Yixuan goes like this: “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” This means that you should not worship any one person or value anyone else’s opinions over your own. Yes, it’s great to meet a wise person who shares their valuable teachings. But the smart thing to do is to take what they say and then allow it to sit with you. Is it right for you? What is your intuition or gut telling you? Give yourself time and space in silence to listen to yourself. As your own best guru, only you can lead your way. Namaste.

Reincarnation

Here’s one of my poems that my aunt read at the coffee morning yesterday…

 

Reincarnation

Discarded

in the hard concrete elbow

that joins kerbside and road

pink cherry blossoms

exhaling forlorn

their once striking complexions

tainted with grey.

Maybe in minutes

a light summer breeze

will entice them to

rise in unison

with the sigh of the wind

like the hollow blow of a flute.

They’ll shake off their ashes

and revive all their passion

as they fly between sunbeams

these light fuchsia angels.