So, I was super excited this bank holiday Monday morning to discover that an article I wrote has been published on inspiring website tiny buddha.
Have a read here if you’re struggling with a decision regarding ending or staying in a romantic relationship.
weheartit.com
Posted in Love
Tagged decisions, heartbreak, lao tzu, letting go, love, pain, publish, relationships, respect, romance, self-love, strength, tiny buddha, writing
Online dating is becoming more widespread and accepted. If you’re single, you will no doubt be advised to set up an online profile. I’ve heard (and experienced) many heartwarming, hilarious and outrageous stories about the wild, weird and wonderful world of the online dater.
Online dating can be fun and exciting. But it can also be fickle and disappointing. The thing about popular dating website Plenty of Fish is that there are, quite literally, plenty of fish floating around cyberspace. And all these little fishies are hoping to fall hook, line and sinker (sorry, I couldn’t resist) in love or, for many, in lust.
The frustrating and often confusing aspect to online dating is that you could be exchanging flirty emails with a potential partner when he/she suddenly stops replying. You may have even arranged a date only to receive a last-minute cancellation text.
On the upside, there’s so much choice. The flip side is that you have no idea how many other fishies your charmer is chatting up and even simultaneously dating.
If you’re dabbling in online dating and are feeling fed up and let down, why not change tactics? Take all the good stuff on offer and use it to your advantage. Follow these seven tips to make the most of your online experience:
1. Be grateful that there are many interesting, attractive people out there who are single and oh-so-ready to mingle.
Also, give gratitude for t’internet. What a quick, easy way to meet new people. You’ll save yourself time, money and manys the hangover using this method of finding someone.
2. Have fun on your trawling expeditions. Think of your browsing sessions as shopping sprees. And if you happen to make a special connection with somebody, then happy days!
3. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s not just men who feel the pressure to follow up and settle down. First dates with a stranger can be nerve-racking. Will you fancy them? If not, should you give them a chance anyway? Will they want to meet you again? What if they try to kiss you or attempt to get you into bed? How will your in-laws get on? [Yes. Your mind manages to reach crazy levels of hypothesising if left unchecked.]
Take the pressure and expectation down a notch by mailing lots of different users and going on dozens of dates. It does get easier. And, even if you do like your date, it doesn’t mean you have to marry them. Now’s the time to enjoy and get to know one another. There’ll be plenty of time to get serious.
4. Enjoy meeting new and interesting people. If you stay present on your dates, you’ll see (and enjoy) how magnificent the situation is. Regale your friends and family with hilarious stories. Heck, write a book about it and make some moolah!
5. Give yourself a good pep talk. Eleanor Roosevelt said: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” It really isn’t you, it’s all about them. It only becomes about you when you react a certain way. They don’t know you so they can’t reject you. They may have met someone else more suitable to their current taste. Or you may just not be their type. We all have different preferences, thankfully. It doesn’t mean that you’re not gorgeous, loveable or perfect for your perfect partner. Also, if you think about the big picture, this perceived rejection could have spared you a terrible date or left you open for something better to come your way.
The other day, I had to stand in a long queue. Two toddlers met for the first time. Loudly and excitedly, they shared scooters and hugs and told one another that they were best friends. When one had to part, they cried and wailed. One minute later, a new toddler joined the line. The other child stopped crying, walked right up to the new kid and asked: “Will you be my best fwend?” Moments later, they were playing and laughing enthusiastically. We could learn a lot from kids, eh?
6. And finally, keep living and looking offline too. You could still meet the love of your life in a sweaty nightclub or in the café you’d always daydreamed about. Just because he/she isn’t carrying a banner including their stats and an ‘About Me’ section doesn’t mean they’re not available. Be sociable, live life and have fun. You’re most attractive when you’re happy with your life and who you are. So keep smiling.
weheartit.com
Posted in Love, Modern Society
Tagged abundance, children, dating, disappointment, eleanor roosevelt, excitement, expectation, fun, gratitude, heartbreak, hope, internet, internet dating, life, living, love, modern society, online dating, plenty of fish, pof, rejection, relationships, resilience, romance, self-esteem, self-love, single, strength
I am yawning sleepily behind the wheel this morning when Stevie Wonder’s For Once in My Life comes on the radio. I turn it up loud and sing along as tingles fizz throughout my body. I drive delightedly into the beautiful green countryside, bathed in early September sunlight.
This is the kind of song that plays as the credits roll after a heartwarming rom-com, where the two lead characters finally shrug off their doubts and stubborn self-sabotage and swoop upon one another in the middle of a rain-shocked street or teeming airport terminal.
This is the kind of song that you only smile at when you’re in love. When you’ve found the person you believe is going to save you, crown you, give you the unconditional love you hadn’t even realised you’d been denying yourself. When you’re dazzled by the exciting debut of a relationship where colour and laughter are magnified and embraces and caresses come thick and often.
This is the kind of song you swiftly switch off when you’re not in love. The kind of song that grates on you as you peer out at lovestruck couples with envy and cynicism and a shameful knot of malice.
And yet, this morning, as a single woman, this is the kind of song that reminds me that life is wonderful, that I am happy, and that I don’t need a partner to distract or complete me. I am whole. Life is full. And I have all the love I could ever need.
Posted in Love, Personal development
Tagged beauty, confidence, cynicism, envy, for once in my life, happiness, in love, independence, learning, life, love, lust, malice, nature, neediness, optimism, positivity, relationships, romance, self-love, self-sabotage, september, single, stevie wonder, unconditional love
Last night, I went to a Post War Years and Everything Everything gig in Whelans. The performances were fantastic and the atmosphere was electric. Afterwards, because a couple of the girls work in Music PR, we went backstage. Having politely declined a pint of Guinness from a cute drummer, I settled onto a couch between two other gig-goers. Although they were lovely people and we had great conversation and laughs, I was clearly in my comfort zone.
I’ve never been the type to camp outside the hotels musicians are staying in and I’ve never even asked anyone for their autograph. I know it’s better not to swoon over somebody just because they’re famous but it’s healthy to be able to make eye contact with a celebrity. Famous people are still people after all. I’m sure they value being treated like normal human beings every once in a while.
Last year, I attended the I Can Do It! Scotland conference. During the lunch break, my friends got their books signed by some of the speakers. I went for a walk. While at the time I was glad of the fresh air and exercise, looking back it would have been good to have met Wayne Dyer, Robert Holden and Louise L. Hay in person.
I probably thought I was cool not to go gaga over the stars but there was something deeper at play. I obviously thought I was less than them in some way. I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem. I’d always found it difficult to be myself around celebrities, attractive guys and even certain teachers. So I ignored or avoided them and became tongue-tied when I found myself in their company. I was closing myself off to a sizeable chunk of the population.
A couple of weeks ago, dating coach Matthew Hussey was interviewed on the Ray D’Arcy Show. Matthew advises people to engage with the human race by chatting up service staff and striking up conversations with customers in the coffee queue or at the gym. He advocates giving compliments and completing random acts of kindness. He tells people to make eye contact and smile. While Matthew is speaking about getting dates, I feel this can be done by everyone. Since I listened to that interview, I’ve been making an effort to follow these tips. And it’s made my days brighter, lighter and much more interesting. Also, once you’re more confident and used to chatting to lots of people, it will come more naturally when you’re faced with someone you fancy or admire.
As we were leaving the back stage area, I remembered Matthew’s words. One of the bands had started messing about on stage. I made a comment and a bit of banter ensued. When we jumped off stage, the band members shook my hand, asked for my name and I told them how great they were. They were just nice, normal, humble guys who delighted in the positive feedback and seemed surprised when we weren’t staying for another drink. It was that easy!
Today I pulled a card from one of Louise L. Hay’s decks. It read: “I am neither too little nor too much, and I do not have to prove myself to anyone.” How very apt.
Here’s one of the tunes Everything Everything rocked last night. Imagine a whole venue singing along to these lyrics… You wouldn’t want to be taking yourself too seriously. And from now on, I won’t.
Posted in Modern Society
Tagged attraction, backstage, band, celebrities, celebrity, communication, concert, confidence, dating, dating coach, everything everything, famous, fans, fear, gig, glasgow!, human race, humanity, i can do it, louise l. hay, love, matthew hussey, music, partner, people, post war years, ray d'arcy show, robert holden, romance, self-esteem, suffragette suffragette, today fm, wayne dyer, whelans
This week has been a trying one. I got sick, I didn’t get a call I’d been waiting for, the buzzer for the parking gate stopped working just as a guest was pulling in, and I ran into an ex who was clearly trying to avoid me and who I today discovered has removed me as a friend on Facebook. I wanted to cry with frustration and anger and disappointment. My mind wanted to start telling me: Life is shit. You’ve been disappointed before. Of course that’ll never happen. You’ll never find romantic love or wealth or success.
However, I understand the power of our thoughts and of the spoken word. I pulled out Florence Scovel-Shinn’s book The Game of Life & How to Play It: Winning Rules for Success & Happiness. Amazingly (or not, depending on how you feel about synchronicity), the chapter I opened the book on was called The Power of the Word! She wrote:
“I know, in my own case, it took a long while to get out of a belief that a certain thing brought disappointment. If the thing happened, disappointment invariably followed. The only way I could make a change in the subconscious, was by asserting, ‘There are not two powers, there is only one power, God, therefore, there are no disappointments, and this thing means a happy surprise.’ I noticed a change at once, and happy surprises commenced coming my way.”
I settled back in the armchair and saw an image of a river. This river is on a journey. It has a source and a destination. You don’t tell the river: “You haven’t reached your destination yet so you’re no good.” No, you just look at it and it is a river. It simply is. It plays with the fish and the children and the loved-up couples. It sparkles in the sunshine. And when it rains, it becomes one with the rainfall. When it comes up against a jagged rock, it laps around it. Its power is in its non-resistance.
But what if I tried to control that river? If I cupped part of it in my hands and wanted that piece just for me? I would be interrupting the natural flow of the river and, soon, it would all have trickled through my fingers and the river would keep on running regardless. Wouldn’t it be more fun to jump into the river and splash about and allow it to carry me along for a while? I could hop in and out whenever I chose. And, all the while, the river would be there, ever-moving, ever-changing, ever-flowing.
So, instead of telling myself that I should feel disappointed, rejected, less than, or angry because this happened and that didn’t and he didn’t behave the way I wanted him to, I could simply accept that everything was unfolding exactly as it should be. That so-and-so wasn’t for me. That better things are coming my way. That I already have love and wealth and success. That I am all of those things. How am I to know what’s for my highest good anyway? I could even be limiting myself! I just have to trust and be patient and enjoy the currents and ripples of life. It feels good to let go.
Posted in Love, Personal development, Spirituality
Tagged anger, belief, disappointment, facebook, florence scovel-shinn, flow, frustration, god, highest good, journey, letting go, life, limitations, love, non-resistence, power, river, romance, success, surprise, synchronicity, the game of life & how to play it, trust, water, wealth, word
So, the dude from last night texted me but I haven’t replied. I’ll explain why but first I’ll have to tell you the whole story…
The Dude got chatting to my friend and I by eavesdropping and then interrupting the tale I was telling her about a male friend. He enquired, “How did you get on with him?” “Fine,” I said and turned back to my mate. He persisted in asking me questions until he figured out that the guy from the story was just a friend. He then asked: “So, where’s the love of your life?” “I don’t know yet,” I responded. I never got to finish the conversation with my pal because The Dude was there to stay.
The Dude proceeded to seriously insult my resilient friend while simultaneously coming on to me. We can both take a joke but this guy was going too far. Fortunately, she wasn’t fazed by his brutal banter and he did make us laugh, so we stayed chatting to him and his mates. One of them whispered that The Dude was only joking and that it was a technique to chat me up. He explained that if I thought he hated my friend but liked me then I’d think I was extra special. What did he take me for? A needy puppy who couldn’t distinguish between a kick and a cuddle?
A few years ago, a male friend told me about a book called The Rules or The Game or The Condescending Bastard or something, which had taught him how to get lucky with the ladies. He began to adopt strategies like using insults as chat-up lines. He’d start with something like: “You could have at least brushed your hair before leaving the house!” The surprised dame would look all offended but then he’d follow with something charming and funny and she’d be hooked. Or he’d converse with the least good-looking girl in the group so the hot girl would wonder why he was ignoring her. Then, when he finally gave the pretty one his attention, she’d be relieved and grateful and his for the night. This unconventional approach worked a treat for him in night clubs.
That method might fool girls who are horribly insecure and easily manipulated but not a 31-year-old woman who’s made the effort to work on her self-esteem and doesn’t want to entertain such ridiculous mind-games (yes, I am talking about myself in the third person). I’ve come too far to waste my time on a man who belittles others to cover up his own insecurities.
If I went on a date with him, would he drop the act and be real with me? Or would I spend the evening trying to defend myself by conjuring up witty retorts, while desperately hoping to outsmart (and thus charm) him with my cool intelligence? This year, I’ve decided to go with my instincts. No prizes for guessing what my gut’s telling me about The Dude.
So, why did you give him your number? Because I told him I’m studying acupuncture. And despite informing me that acupuncture was a “questionable occupation”, he ran after me as I walked out of the pub and asked for my number because he wanted me to help him with his sore back (he’s actually not the first guy to use that line). I hesitated before giving him my digits. What if he really did want some acupuncture? Was I to deny a guy in pain some beneficial treatment?
Anyway, he texted today asking how I was. No mention of acupuncture. Not that I’m surprised. But I couldn’t be bothered engaging him in dialogue when I’ve no interest in meeting him again. Am I being mean? Pessimistic? Should I at least have the decency to reply to the chap?
Anyway, enough about him (although he deserves some recognition seen as I’ve just written an entire blog post about him). Here’s an update: My Resilient Friend texted her guy from last night and they’ve arranged a date for Friday. Quick work, girl friend! I told her she’s my role model.
I hope their date looks something like this.
Images: http://lavenderbullet.tumblr.com/post/13113472632
https://twitter.com/#!/briancag/status/153964226476646401/photo/1/large
Posted in Love, Modern Society, Personal development
Tagged attraction, bravery, chat up lines, courage, date, insecurities, insults, men, needy, night out, pub, rejection, relationships, romance, self-esteem, women
She sits with a large sigh, relieved to set down her Christmas shopping. The waitress asks if she’s waiting for someone. Or is she alone? She nods at the latter.
She eats quickly, a glazed expression in her eyes. When she’s satiated the initial intensity of her hunger, she begins to slow down. Only then does she look around the bar.
There is a guy to her right. He’s on his own too. She tries not to look directly at him but he lingers in the outskirts of her vision. He could be cute… He plays self-consciously with his phone, taking occasional sips of his latte. She pushes the plate away and opens a book.
If this was a movie, he would spot the title of the novel she was holding and realise that he found this woman intriguing. He would pluck up the courage to approach her and their story would begin…
The potentially attractive man smiles as his date walks towards him. The lone female diner looks up to appraise the pretty new arrival, then bows her head to read about somebody else’s romance.
Image: http://fuckyeahtumblraddict.tumblr.com/page/2
Being single does not translate as “looking for a partner”. In the words of The Pussycat Dolls (this blog really is high-brow stuff), “I don’t need a man to make me feel good.”
Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m available. I want to be sure of myself and my own self-worth before exchanging digits (or body fluids) with some randomer. I want to love and accept myself completely instead of inviting someone else in to do it for me. I’ve got to really know myself and be who I am (and proud of it) before I can meet the right man for me.
If I put myself out there prematurely, I run the risk of getting into the wrong type of relationship. One that will bring me soaring up in the honeymoon stage before crash landing back to reality. Somebody’s bound to get hurt. Been there, done that, bought the self-help book.
We only attract in what we’re projecting out. So, if you’re feeling needy or unattractive or if you’re beating yourself up over anything and everything, you will surely manifest a relationship with someone controlling or critical or angry (or how about all of the above?)
“If you aren’t happy being single, you will never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life and love it first, then share it.” Unknown author
So for now, I’m tentatively entering into a healthy relationship with myself. A romance that’s guaranteed to last a life-time. It’s uncharted territory, folks. But it’s so worthwhile.
So, be grateful for this time you now have to work on yourself and what makes you happy. Giggle with friends over enormous frothy cappuccinos. Take long walks by the coast. Read. Focus on your passion. Start classes in yoga or art or drama. Dance the night away. Go on a skiing or writers’ holiday. Drive somewhere you’ve never been before, with the windows down and your favourite tunes banging. Just because you’re still single doesn’t mean you’re destined to suffer a long, lonely existence with only your cats and knitting needles for company.
Know that you owe it to yourself to experience self-love first.
Featured image: http://www.kriyayoga.com/wallpapers/widescreen_wallpapers/rose/beautiful_roses.html
Images: http://weheartit.com/entry/16568451; http://www.ilovephotoblogs.com/freelance-photographer-salih-guler-ankara-turkey; http://pulpfactor.com/photography/6840/photography-by-luis-beltran/
Posted in Love, Personal development
Tagged anger, art, attraction, books, coast, coffee, control, criticism, drama, exercise, holidays, i don't need a man, knowledge, learning, lessons, life, love, music, neediness, partner, passion, reading, relationships, romance, sea, seaside, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-help books, self-image, self-love, self-worth, skiing, the pussycat dolls, walking, writing, yoga
Disappointment can strike you like a ferocious tidal wave on a calm summer’s day. It takes you by surprise, plunges you into an icy, suffocating darkness, washes away your energy, erodes some of your hope, and snaps off a little piece of your heart. I’ve experienced a few disappointments in recent times and it’s hard not to let them trip you up.
wallpaperstock.net
According to Ardictionary.com, disappointment is “a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realised”. The only reason we get disappointed is because something happens outside of our control. Our expectations are shattered. We want to control how someone behaves towards us or how we expect a situation to turn out. When life rails against our wishes, we experience an extraordinary sense of disappointment.
By dissecting the word, it can be broken down into “dis-” and “appointment”. The prefix “dis-” has a negative or reversing force on what comes after it. An appointment is “a fixed mutual agreement for a meeting or engagement.” (Dictionary.com) You had a plan and this plan was obliterated. You feel as though you’ve just been knocked down by the tsunami created by the aftershock of this disappointment. The trick is not to allow yourself be swept away by the current of negative emotions that arises.
When you suffer a disappointment, be it having been rejected or dumped, when a friend lets you down or a family member behaves in a way that hurts you, or your holiday/business/career plans are dashed, you need to do two things.
1. Realise that this person’s behaviour has nothing to do with you. It’s all about them and what’s going on in their world. Also, everything happens for a reason. Trust that all will work out in the end. Focus on the bigger picture. Perhaps this partner/friend/trip/business idea was not the one for you. Or the timing wasn’t right. Ultimately, you will be thankful for this disappointment as you will be open to something better coming your way.
“Disenchantment, whether it is a minor disappointment or a major shock, is the signal that things are moving into transition in our lives.” William Throsby Bridges
2. Recognise that how you feel and react as a result of this disappointment is all about you. Delve into the emotions that are overwhelming you and get into the bodily sensations you are experiencing. Ask yourself why you’re upset/angry/hurt. Are you placing too much of yourself into the hands of one person or plan?
I spent a large part of my life feeling that I had to do it all on my own. I believed that people were inherently selfish and would let you down. I needed to be independent and self-sufficient. As a result, I found it hard to get too close to people. However, in recent times, my experience of people and the world has altered. I’ve come into contact with good people, who go out of their way to help others. I started to see things differently. It was like a rainbow had exploded across the charcoal canvas of my world.
clubfresco.webs.com
I didn’t want to see the blacks and greys any more. I focussed on the bright and vibrant colours. But that was not being real either. Life is made up of darkness and light, happiness and sadness, grief and excitement, faith and loss, hope and disappointment.
It is important to be independent. To be okay on your own. To do your own thing and follow your calling in life. And if someone wants to help/befriend/date you, accept that as an added bonus. And if they take their altruism/friendship/affection away, it will not devastate you because you are still a whole person.
We all go through difficulties and disappointments. This is a requirement for growth. These times offer us a lot of learning if we are willing to look inwards. They enable us to greater appreciate the beauty and possibilities that arise. It may feel like it will never stop raining and that you’ll drown in the mud. Just know that, after the fright and fury of the storm, a rainbow flashes her colours…
technochitlins.com
Posted in Personal development
Tagged acceptance, business, colour, darkness, disappointment, friendship, grief, hope, loss, love, romance, sadness, storm
Valentine’s Day is like an extreme form of Marmite. Either you can’t get enough of it or you would rather slit your throat with a rusty nail and fling yourself into shark-infested waters than deal with this sickly sweet 24 hours. Some of us can pretend the day doesn’t exist, and ignore the large red love hearts blazing out of every shop window. Others cannot banish the day from their thoughts, because their enthusiastic other half would not let them away with it, or because they feel devastated about being alone on this loved-up day.
Recently or pathologically single folk presume that everyone else is gushing with love and romance on this spring day. They imagine couples walking hand-in-hand by the water’s edge, gazing into each others’ eyes, whispering sweet nothings, sharing plates of spaghetti, and surprising their partners with enormous crimson cards, sparkling jewels, holiday plans, and maybe even a diamond ring.
The unwilling half of a couple experiences equal amounts of dread and disdain in the run-up to this marathon of mush. They know that if they don’t have something wonderful planned for their partner they are liable to lose a limb (or another highly prized body part). For the sake of their own sanity (and physical well-being), they trudge to the gift shop, buy the first card that grabs their attention, and grudgingly “surprise” their loved one with a bunch of flowers and the piece of jewellery that they were ordered to purchase.
A number of years ago, a friend and I held a quiet protest on Valentine’s Day. Instead of sobbing at Love Actually on the box and checking the post every five minutes, we decided to replace the celebration with one of our favourites- Hallowe’en. We rented horrors, munched on treats, and sipped red wine. We were screaming so much that we didn’t have time to dwell on being single. And after watching The Ring, we were just glad to be alive.
For whatever reason, I’ve been single more often than not on Valentine’s Day. And it doesn’t bother me. It’s just another day (apart from the fact that card companies, florists, restaurants and the like are a lot richer afterwards). I don’t have to think about buying presents, writing cards, or making dinner reservations. And I have more money to spend on myself.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” Oscar Wilde
This year, instead of moaning about my single status, bitching about the shortage of romantic Irish men, or dissing the festival for being a “money-making racket” and an “exercise in soulless commercialism”, I am learning more about love. Recently, I have come to the delightful conclusion that I am loveable. I am getting to know myself more. I am discovering what I like in life. I have started doing the things I want to do. And I am thoroughly enjoying the process.
If you don’t know or love yourself, how can you love another, let alone believe that anyone would love you? There was a time when I looked at love dubiously. But I was confusing real love with romantic love.
"In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person." Margaret Anderson
Romantic love is often based on neediness and selfishness. You desire the person as a possession, as a tool to make you feel better about yourself. However, I’m beginning to see that there is another kind of love that speaks of balance and respect and sharing.
Once you know who you are and what you want from life, if you are fulfilled in what you are doing and treat yourself with love and respect, you are ready to move onto the next phase. And this is where love for another human being becomes possible. When you enter into a healthy relationship, you bask in the best parts of yourselves, and you accept and love the other bits too.
Relationships can be challenging. As Thomas Moore writes in his book Soul Mates, a struggle occurs between the soul’s need for attachment and the spirit’s need for freedom. When our partner seems distant, the soul becomes insecure and wants to hold on. When our partner clings, the spirit feels trapped and restless.
"A healthy relationship needs to create a balance between spirit and soul, expansion and constriction, freedom and commitment." Anodea Judith
So, this Valentine’s Day, if you’re part of a happy couple, do something nice together. Laugh and embrace. Remember the excitement of the first sparks of your romance. And celebrate the growth and intimacy that has developed since then.
And if, like me, you’re single, be thankful that you have this time and space to work on your self and your individuality. Love and accept each and every aspect of your being. Learn what makes you smile. Observe what fills you with passion. Witness the many ways in which you shine.
Images: Google
Tagged alone, anodea judith, cards, celebration, gifts, growth, learning, love, partner, presents, respect, romance, self-love, single, thomas moore, valentine's day
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